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Here's What Happened On Episode 2 Of "The Bachelorette"

Starting to think Uncle Sam's nephews would be more mature than he is.

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We opened with the boys casually chilling in the mansion, waiting for that glorious date card.

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Uncle Sam seemed to think he had a target on his back because he got the Double Delight rose. Dude. This is a dating show, not Survivor. The other men can't eliminate you. You don't have an Idol. Just kick back and relax until you get your moment.

Jourdan happened to be wearing a moon-boot because he "injured himself on the basketball court". But bro, you were limping last night at the rose ceremony? Did you injure yourself drunk at the cocktail party? Were there actual basketballs involved? What did we miss? Channel 10, I have questions.

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The first single date went to Jarrod, the winemaker!

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As it turned out Sophie is terrified of heights, yet the date was some weird tightrope challenge above a Sydney stadium. Because all good dates are held near Olympic Park.

Jarrod is also terrified of heights, but he tried desperately to pretend he was fine so he didn't freak out Sophie, and it was actually really sweet. But before we got to see if they would conquer their fears...

...we had to flash to Uncle Sam having a whinge!

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UnClE SaM hAd No IdEa WhY hE DiDn'T gEt A SiNgLe DaTe!

We were barely even 10 minutes into the episode, and Uncle Sam referenced the fact he had the Double Delight rose – and still no date – about 397 times. As all the boys pondered why Jarrod got the date, Apollo, bless his sweet heart, was oblivious to the underlying tension and talked about how great he thinks Jarrod is. A man with muscles and a heart. Stop the show.

Back to Sophie and Jarrod: Look, the heights thing didn't work out for them.

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What kind of sadistic producer gets two people terrified of heights on top of a tightrope and calls it a date?

The two got halfway through the course, before they had to turn around and go back. Jarrod was very sweet and reassuring as Sophie cried. Finally they got to drown their fears with some champagne and a nice, long chat about feelings. Fun!

It was nice, they seemed nice, Sophie gave him a nice rose... AND the first kiss of the season! There was a lot of tongue involved! I had to turn away and pray with my rosary beads!

As the boys waited for Jarrod to come home, Uncle Sam continued to have a good whinge.

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Uncle Sam, a hot tip: No lady likes a clingy bitch.

"What if Jarrod didn't come home tonight?", Blake asked, as though that had ever happened in the history of this franchise before.

Jarrod came home and gave the guys a pep talk on being honest with Sophie on their future dates. This aggravated Uncle Sam who said Jarrod shouldn't be telling them what to do. "We know how to go on dates," he fumed. Mmmm, ok, y u on this show then, buddy?

Sophie, wherever you are... I love you. But I hope you regretted giving Uncle Sam the Double Delight rose. Because I regret it on your behalf.

The group date was a photo shoot of iconic couples from history... like Richie Strahan and Alex Nation!

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Lol jk.

Unfortunately the whole date wasn't just Apollo shirtless. Sometimes it's like the producers don't even know what the audience wants. As Sophie and Apollo masqueraded as Ares and Aphrodite, Ryan and Harry were given the jobs of being their cupids. Harry, his hair perfectly styled in ringlets like a baby angel, wondered why he was a cupid when he was more suited to be Hercules or Thor. OK, Harry. OK.

Next, Uncle Sam came dressed up as Robin Hood, with James as Friar Tuck. Uncle Sam decided it'd be real cute to get in close with Sophie and then start talking about her boobs! What woman doesn't love that! "I've been locked up in a mansion with a bunch of men," Uncle Sam complained, as though that was a justifiable excuse for being a dirty perve.

On the plus side, James was taking his terrible outfit like a champ. Not only was he cracking jokes and poking fun at the situation, but he also stood up for Sophie when Uncle Sam got a little too creepy.

Don't get me wrong though, Sophie did not take this shit from Sam. At the end of the shoot she gave James a kiss on the cheek and hugged him, and saved her own special goodbye for Sam – a very platonic high-five. How's that Double Delight now, dickhead?

Sophie and Jourdan then dressed up as Bonnie and Clyde, while some other forgetful names stood behind them as the police.

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Oh Jourdan. He looked a little less like Clyde and a little more like Oliver. Bless.

Blake had the solo shoot with Sophie, and they dressed up as Adam and Eve.

The makeup lady patiently contoured Blake's abs on for him, and whatever she did worked – the shoot did look a little steamy, and there was even some romantic music played over the top! I do have to say I did wonder what would happen if Little Blake made an appearance through that rather small leaf garment. How awkward.

"Lol, surely Uncle Sam wasn't standing for this?" I just heard you ask. Ahh, you're clever. No, instead he awkwardly leered from the shadows, being all insecure and gross. Here's my conclusion: Sam is totally a guy that has been friend-zoned one too many times, and is super sensitive when he's not the centre of attention. He's definitely come on the wrong show.

At the cocktail party, we learned the men are bitchier than any of the ladies from last season!

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God, I miss Jen, at least she was entertaining.

Here's the short version of what happened: A bunch of grown-ass men had a fight about Ugg boots.

For those of you who want more detail, it basically started like this. Uncle Sam gave a speech about Jarrod not being able to hack the other guys also dating Sophie. Pot. Kettle. Black.

Jefferson (lmao, who?) popped up to steal Sophie away, and Jarrod and his weird stalkerish heart eyes watched their every move. He then let the others know he wanted to talk to Sophie next, to thank her for their date. The men then started getting into an argument about whether Jarrod was allowed to do that. Nevertheless, he found his moment to steal her away and thanked her for the date by giving her a pair of Uggs!

Well! The uproar! See, Blake had given Sophie a pair of Uggs on the very first night! Either Channel 10 has a weird contract with the brand, or Jarrod STOLE his idea! Blake was then filthy at Jarrod for copying him. Everyone was mad and bickering! Uncle Sam was trying to pull the Double Date rose from his asshole where he kept it for safe storing!

Sophie ran down the driveway to where Osher was waiting in a getaway car, and the show ended.

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