Here's What Went Down On "The Bachelor" Episode 8

Someone pass me a bucket.

Missed tonight's episode of The Bachelor or just want to relive all the glory again?

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Umm... OK then. I'm not saying you're wasting your time, I'm just pointing ou-... actually never mind. Here's what happened.

We opened with the girls discussing how happy they all are now that Leah is gone. Then the mood shifted when Elora was picked for a single date.

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Obviously, the other ladies were not impressed Elora's received a second date when many of them haven't even gone on one. Jen pointed out that at least she'd have a day without Elora, before noisily slurping her tea.

Elora and Matty went to go reignite their chemistry, and I reignited my love for alcohol.

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I settled on the lounge and grabbed a bucket for this date, because I knew the chances of me dry-retching over these two was high.

If you want the TL;DR on Matty and Elora's dates, it basically goes like this. He talks, she gives one word answers like "OK". Then she'll giggle and flip her hair while giving him puppy-dog eyes, and then they'll both froth over the chemistry they have together. But feel free to continue reading for a longer version.

Back at the house, Michelle pointed out to Jen that she hadn't talked to Matty in, like, "a month".

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Jen expressed to Michelle that she wouldn't be unhappy if Matty pushed Elora off a cliff. I imagine she then left to go brew herself another pot of tea.

Matty and Elora took 84 years to blow up an inflatable swan, and then engaged in a heavy petting session.

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After a weird montage of the two huffing and puffing and blowing a swan instead of each other, they finally got on their inflatable device and started to mack on as though they were filming a softcore porno. Elora got all lusty-eyed to the camera, and explained the amazing connection she had with Matty, and I vomited in my mouth for the fourth time.

In an amazingly original date, the two then bonded over some wine and cheese. Elora suggested they don't go back to the mansion and just live in the Blue Mountains with Matty's blue balls for the rest of their lives. She then told Matty she'd "never felt this way before", which is beyond frightening. In all honesty it's easy to get that lusty and excited over 20% off your fave restaurant on Menulog, so I feel like Elora needs to get out (or rather, stay in) more.

PLOT TWIST: Matty then shared that they'd be staying the night in the Blue Mountains. In two separate cottages, of course, because no one should do the sex before marriage... or at least before the show actually ends.

As Matty led Elora to her cottage (aka a tin shed from the 1800s), the two shoved their tongues down each other's throats for one more time. Just like those old R.L. Stine books where you could choose your own Goosebumps adventure, it was left to the audience to decide if Matty explored Elora's ovaries in the tin shed that night.

The next day, the other ladies were invited to the Blue Mountains to participate in the "Bachelor Bush Race".

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Network 10

Oh man, and I thought City2Surf sounded bad enough.

Basically the premise of this game was that the ladies would race each other to different boxes, where they then had to answer a question designed to match their compatibility with Matty's. If they got the answer right, they could run to the next box and be one step closer to winning one-one-one time with the man himself. (Matty that is, not Osher.) If they got the answer wrong, they had to wait a minute before continuing the game. "Would you compete in a bush race to win my heart and some alone time with me?" I asked my boyfriend. "What's a bush race and can I bring a horse?" he replied. He's a thinker, that one.

Elora took an early lead, so to prepare, I emptied and sterilised the bucket into which I'd been projectile vomiting. However, cheeky Flo decided to cheat on one round, then just CONTINUED to do so, because "no one was watching". Except for, you know, all the cameras and now half of Australia.

Flo confessed to Matty in their one-on-one time that she kinda, technically cheated.

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Network 10

Flo decided to come clean about cheating in the race and then elaborated on the consistent cheating she seems to enjoy doing in her everyday life. With a big, slightly psychopathic, beaming grin, she divulged to Matty not only does she cheat in races, but also in Monopoly and whatever other kind of games she can get her hands on. However, Flo DOES draw a line at cheating on a partner, so thank GOD for that.

Matty commended Flo for how honest she was... and sorry, may I reiterate here that SHE CHEATED TO WIN?!?! And can I also just point out because she cheated in a compatibility test, it technically would mean she's incompatible with him ANYWAY? But he gave her a ROSE? Fuck me, this show has become so confusing.

Sharlene took a stand at the cocktail party.

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Network 10

Sharlene said she felt unsafe as she's only spent 27-and-a-half minutes with Matty. No, like she literally came up with that calculation herself. I did a bit of maths myself, and considering they've ~allegedly~ been there over a month, this means Sharlene has spent less than a minute a day with him. Sharlene, hon, may I suggest downloading Bumble to pass some time?

Regardless, Sharlene thought there had been sparks with Matty in the 27 minutes they had spent together, and was determined to get some alone time with him at the cocktail party. Eventually she swooped in on him. "I'm actually one of the Bachelorettes, and not an external caterer," she helpfully pointed out. Bless her heart, the joke fell a little flat... but then the conversation got a lot worse.

With wide-crazygirl.meme eyes, Sharlene asked Matty advice on how to win him over, and Matty answered all her questions as though he was in a job interview. This led to an inevitable speech, where he admitted they didn't have a connection. The guy LITERALLY dumped her on the couch in the garden because he couldn't wait until the rose ceremony.

I honestly couldn't tell if Sharlene wanted to stab him in the eyes, or run off crying, but instead she settled for saying, "Umm yep. OK. Yeah," and walked off to see if the catering team could give her a lift home.

Before the catering team could pack-up though, Sharlene gave an amazing speech to the camera about how incompatible she and Matty actually were. "He doesn't like pugs, and I have a pug and I'm into musical theatre and love martial arts, and he's not into those things," she borderline sobbed. Oh Sharlene. I'll miss your random commentary.

Another two ladies are forced out of the mansion.

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Network 10

Matty was on a RAMPAGE this episode. He savagely slit the throats of another two ladies at the Red Wedding* and, before we knew it, only 10 were left standing.

*OK sorry. What really happened was he cut Stephanie (lmao who?), and Alix. Yep, that Alix he took on a single date last night. He gives no fucks!

Next week: Matty chooses another lady for her SECOND single date and invites the parents of some other ladies to The Great Bachelor Bake-Off.

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