18. Sun… Sex & Suspicious Parents.
So this is a documentary/reality TV mashup whereby parents secretly watch tapes of their teenage kids on lads’ holidays in places like Ayia Napa and Magaluf. And then they all sit down and talk about how upset they are that their little darlings sometimes shag strangers in nightclub toilets. It’s unashamedly tacky and obviously fantastic.
17. Hotter Than My Daughter.
Atomic Kitten’s Liz hangs out with mums and their daughters, asking them who they think is prettier. The mums always think they are. Then they get make overs. There’s always tantrums, there’s sometimes rebellion and occasionally the grown ups realise that they need to dress more appropriately for their age. It’s oddly heartwarming.
14. The Jeremy Kyle Show.
This is such a terrible show to admit to liking. But but but, there was once a man called Mad Dog Deon on it who tattooed his entire face because, and I quote, “Well I’m a mad dog, aren’t I?”
13. How Clean Is Your House?
Eeeew some people are so gross. The premise of this show is that Kim and Aggie, two bitchy clean freaks, visit really dirty houses and, erm, clean them. It’s so voyeuristic, but there’s something bizarrely satisfying about judging other people’s lax hygiene standards.
11. The Xtra Factor.
So much better than The X Factor because Caroline Flack’s on it. And once, when she was linked to Harry Styles, she had to interview 1D and it was the most awkward (slash best) thing ever.
8. Geordie Shore.
Because did you know that actual sex can be shown on actual TV? Well, it can and it is on Geordie Shore. Start watching and you’ll be appalled at yourself for getting hooked. And you’ll be even more disgusted when you start rooting for Charlotte and Gaz, trust us.
4. Take Me Out.
Remember how good Blind Date was? This is basically the same. Paddy McGuinness has got nothing on Cilla Black, but Take Me Out compensates by making its male contestants show off their skills in order to avoid being buzzed out by the girls. Just excellent.
3. Made In Chelsea.
It’s almost too cringe to admit that you love Made in Chelsea, except it’s not because Made in Chelsea is incredible. As long as Spencer keeps cheating on his girlfriends, Marc-Francis keeps out-poshing his fellow poshos and Jamie keeps pardying, Made in Chelsea will remain the UK’s greatest constructed reality TV show. End of.
2. Big Brother.
I know, everyone stopped watching it when Davina McCall left and it moved to Channel 5. But it’s still so good. Watching a bunch of strangers live in a really small house together for an entire summer is psychologically fascinating. Trashy, yes. But OMG so interesting.
1. The Eurovision Song Contest.
What do you get if you combine tuneless Europop, outrageous quantities of hair gel and all of the glitter in the whole world? Only The Eurovision Song Contest, the indisputable queen of trashy telly. Remember when those Russian grannies baked bread live on air to raise money for the hole in their church roof? And one of them only had one hand? It was WONDERFUL.