1.
2.
snickers got a d*ck vein https://t.co/l1HYNDMyrN
3.
So today I was lookin at a girl bcuz she had a piece of lettuce in her hair & she looks at me and said "I have a boyfriend" ok lettuce head
4.
When train conductors drive past each other
5.
My bop it: bop it Me: *bops it* Bop it: oh yeah, twist it Me: uhh weird *twists it* Bop it: pull it Me: *pulls it* Bop it: HARDER Me: ..... wtf Bop it: fuck me
6.
Me and Matt are no longer allowed in @IHOP
7.
im at knots berry farms n my butts 2 big 2 fit in da seats on ride. ahhhhhh (dats me yellin)
8.
when my manager asks where ive been for the last hour
9.
jake gyllenhaal reminds me of a sim and maybe that's why i find him so comforting.. i can just picture him saying "dag dag" and laughing at a wall
10.
We have a chicken at work and it loves attacking me when I let it out
11.
Moths when they see a lamp (via @notphozee)
12.
Me: *choking on a piece of bread* Paramedics: let’s get this bread
13.
me when someone says its 8:53 but on my watch it says 8:52
14.
You know it’s time to go to bed when you reach this account in Explore
15.
locals in 1928 watching charlie chaplin silent films
16.
Pizza rolls are just Italian gushers
17.
me walking to my parents room at 2am telling them i threw up
18.
my popcorn in the microwave
19.
what does NASA stand for. not another spaceship aaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
20.
Let's not...
21.
*Child visiting the Willy Wonka factory getting brutally injured in one of the machines* Oompa Loompas watching from a distance: https://t.co/cSZhqQgaR3
22.
starbucks barista: and what’s your name? me:
