1.
my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent? me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one. narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.
2.
boys that will definitely ruin your life: 1. any boy named kyle 2. all matts 3. chads (or anything with -ad) 4. any variation of zachary 5. any guy whose name starts with j
3.
Dating apps be like: Matt, 30, financial analyst, enjoys craft beer and hiking Matt, 33, holding a dead fish: “let’s eat pizza and watch the office” Matt, 28: “if you don’t work out we won’t work out” “go birds” 6’1” because apparently that matters”
4.
have you or a family member ever dated a guy named matt. you maybe entitled to compensation
5.
My decade in dating: 2010: serial killer 2011: human dial tone 2012: dial tone 2013: best friend 2014: best friend 2015: slut 2016: slut 2017: slut 2018: guy who compared me to a mailbox 2019: 15 guys named Matt
6.
fun fact: ur body count doesn’t increase if u have already previously had sex w someone w that name. so for example, my body count this year was 1, bc even though i slept w 17 guys, they were ALL named matt.
7.
90% of guys named Matt have their name on twitter and instagram as mattyice
8.
what up we’re 5 White Dudes in a Band, this is our drummer Mustache SticknPoke, our bassist NailPolish Earring, lead singer Denim Glasses, and 2 guys named Matt. Altogether we have 3 famous dads, 6 DUIs, and 4 pics of us on a couch outside.Our EP ‘My ex is crazy’ out on bandcamp
9.
I have slept with enough guys named Matt to populate a small town in Ohio
10.
the hardest part about working in tech is telling the difference between all the white guys named matt
11.
Frat boys will find out you like Kpop and be like "WTF dude 12 guys in one group lol how do you tell apart they look the same" even though they had 4 white guys named Matt in their pledge class of 15.
12.
i do believe i was put on this earth to systematically ruin the lives of white men by dating them, to ensure that guys named matt have full blown panic attacks every time they get a text message.
13.
There's too many guys named "Matt" at this Whole Foods.
14.
When I am king, all welcome mats will be replaced by guys named Matt who lay down in front of doors saying "welcome" to whomever approaches.