1.
my organs: ...water....pls.. me, pouring a glass of wine: come get y’all juice!!
2.
me commenting on celebrity posts as if we’re friends
3.
being attracted to men means at some point in your life you've pretended to be interested in watching someone play video games
4.
When you're eating fistfuls of shredded cheese at 3 am and someone turns on the light
5.
professional comedian: [genuine funny joke with context and a punchline] me: .. ok twitter user: we need a disney princess with a yeast infection me: https://t.co/mWbwWCQ9BP
6.
This gonna be in a history textbook in 2043
7.
Me: "I'm going to take a quick shower brb" *45 minutes later* Me:
8.
“Fleetwood Mac’s music is so boring, you can’t even dance to it” Me, an intellectual:
9.
me calling my dad when i’m getting an oil change and they say i need something else done
10.
why does every male model on ASOS look like they've just bumped into the girl they've been ghosting
11.
I ordered Uber Eats for my Grandma to try, and not even a day later she's taken control
12.
how to get laid at a party: 1) get wasted 2) whip out the Dance Dance Revolution mat you brought from home 3) do pretty okay 4) walk up to the hottest girl at the party 5) tell her you would of gotten 100% if you hadnt been thinking about her the whole time
13.
Face the facts.
14.
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
15.
me and aria were giggling at this painting and this middle aged white man walks by and mutters "immature girls" chill how is this not funny https://t.co/yP9hmpXCAB
16.
Men complain about having to buy women drinks to get them to sleep with them but 1000 years ago you’d have to offer their family an entire pig and maybe even a cow
17.
should i text him back after he ignored me for 2 hours
18.
Me: hey can I borrow a pencil goth girl: what? Me: oh sorry. 🕷 𝔠𝔞𝔫 🦇 ℑ ⛓ 𝔟𝔬𝔯𝔯𝔬𝔴 🥀 𝔞 🕸 𝔭𝔢𝔫𝔠𝔦𝔩 ☠️ goth girl: 𝔰𝔲𝔯𝔢🗡
19.
therapist: being on social media everyday is clearly not good for your mental health and you should use it less often me, already planning my subtweet about her in my head: https://t.co/8WtmnL9LbO
20.
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; give a man a fish and he’s got a new dating profile picture.
21.
two bros chilling in the hot tub five feet apart 'cause they're not gay
22.
my son can be gay, my daughter can be lesbian but I WILL NEVER raise a child who likes the big bang theory!
23.
Trying to be honest with my therapist but not so honest that I get involuntarily hospitalized
24.
“Please get a job” my mom desperately cries from outside my room as I strategically photoshop an image of something I like on the Krusty Krab, and something I dislike on the Chum Bucket. She’s completely oblivious to the amount of retweets I’ll be compensated for this masterpiece
25.
my dad asked me how to spell katy perry a couple minutes ago and now i’m an accessory to this crime