The New "Bachelorette" Cast Is Here, And The Bios Have Me, Like, Befumbled

"Matteo is a sperm donor who has helped create 114 children."

So, as we all know, Hannah B.'s season of The Bachelorette is right around the corner.

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Which means — you guessed it — it's time to MEET 👏 THE 👏 MEN. 👏

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And lemme just say, the bios this year are...reeeeeally something else. So, without further ado, let's *live studio audience chanting* MEET!!! THOSE!!!!! MEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

1. John Paul Jones, a financial analyst from Maryland!

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Best part of his bio: "When referring to John Paul Jones, always use his full name: John Paul Jones" and "John Paul Jones rarely uses words that are less than three syllables long."

2. Matteo, a management consultant from Georgia!

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Best part of his bio: "Matteo is a sperm donor who has helped create 114 children." Also, "Matteo once competed in a talent show where he chugged a gallon of milk in ten seconds."

3. Kevin, a behavioral health specialist from Illinois!

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Best part of his bio: "Kevin wants to travel more, but he won't go anywhere that doesn't have an available gym."

4. Connor S., an investment analyst from Texas!

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Best part of his bio: "Connor LOVES Justin Bieber" and "Even though he doesn't speak Spanish, he loves listening and dancing to Spanish songs in the clubs."

5. Jonathan, a server from California!

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Best part of his bio: "Jonathan loves sparklers."

6. Cam works in software sales and is from Texas!

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Best part of his bio: "The most important thing Cam looks for in a woman is good dental hygiene."

7. Brian, a math teacher from Kentucky!

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Best part of his bio: "Brian was born on Flag Day, so naturally, it's his favorite holiday!"

8. Chasen, a pilot from Michigan!

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Best part of his bio: "According to Chasen, 'women always love a man in uniform,' so naturally, he became a commercial airline pilot."

9. Connor J., a sales manager from California!

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Best part of his bio: "Connor's grandmother says he deserves a 'sexy woman' who is ready to give her grandkids!"

10. Daron, an IT consultant from Georgia!

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Best part of his bio: "Daron is a total video game nerd! He is even a globally-ranked champion in Guitar Hero" and "He is terrified of spiders."

11. Devin, a talent manager from California!

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Best part of his bio: "His advice for anyone who wants to find love is 'don't be a sleaze.'" Nice, bro! Thanks!

12. Jed, a singer/songwriter from Tennessee!

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Best part of his bio: "Jed can rap Nicki Minaj's part in 'Bottoms Up' flawlessly, and says he can shoot a rubber band with freakish accuracy."

13. Dustin, a real estate broker from Illinois!

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Best part of his bio: "Dustin loves Tony Robbins," and "says he can beat anyone in a game of Jenga."

14. Dylan, a tech entrepreneur from California!

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Best part of his bio: "He loves to drive his boat, scuba dive, and cook up a big meal. Hopefully, Hannah's hungry."

15. Garrett, a golf pro from Alabama!

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Best part of his bio: Nothing is that funny in Garrett's bio. He likes going to church, golfing, and drinking beer. That's pretty much it.

16. Grant, who's unemployed from California!

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Best part of his bio: "Grant is the real-life 'The Dude'" and he "has no interest in hearing about your CrossFit workout plan or recent Instagram post." Sounds like a real winner, ladies!

17. Hunter, a pro surfer from California!

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Best part of his bio: Nothing that funny here either. He surfs, lives at home, and hosts Bachelor viewing parties.

18. Joe, "The Box King" from Illinois

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Best part of his bio: "When he's not killing it in the family cardboard box business, he enjoys going to Vegas and club-hopping" and "Joe's most complimented features are his eyebrows."

19. Joey, a finance manager from Maryland!

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Best part of his bio: "Joey loves to document important moments with his Polaroid camera." A nostalgic KING!

20. Luke P., an import/export manager from Georgia!

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Best part of his bio: "Worst fear is having bad gas on a date."

21. Luke S., a political consultant from Washington, DC!

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Best part of his bio: "Luke S. works as a political fundraiser on Capitol Hill and is also a tequila expert."

22. Matt Donald, a medical device salesman from California!

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Best part of his bio: "Matt's biggest fear in the world is being trapped in a room with spiders."

23. Matthew, a car bid spotter from California!

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Best part of his bio: "Matthew is into the ink and has a full sleeve on his left arm, a chest tattoo, two right-arm tattoos, and four leg tattoos. Most people's bodies are their temples, but Matthew's is an art gallery."

24. Mike, a portfolio manager from Texas!

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Best part of his bio: "Mike really wants to get into Parkour."

25. Peter, a pilot from California!

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Best part of his bio: "Even though he is a man of the world, Peter still lives at home."

26. Ryan, a roller boy (...???) from Pennsylvania!

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Best part of his bio: "Though he loves being outdoors, birds freak him out."

27. Scott, a software sales executive from Illinois!

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Best part of his bio: "Scott is an admirer of Kris Jenner" and "Just for fun, Scott once ran in a circle around the mall food court, acting like a flying chicken."

28. Thomas, an international pro basketball player from Michigan!

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Best part of his bio: Nothing that funny, but his family has never met anyone he's dated and he loves dancing to EDM music.

29. Tyler C., a general contractor from Florida!

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Best part of his bio: "He says his friends get embarrassed by how intense he gets on the dance floor, but he doesn't care." Additionally, he "~kills it~ as a general contractor in his hometown of Jupiter, Florida."

30. Tyler G., a psychology graduate student from Florida

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Best part of his bio: "He adheres to a strict Keto diet."

To read these iconic bios in full click here!!!!!!

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