A Ranking Of Feminine Hygiene Products In Terms Of Boyfriend Material

You've probably gone through at least a few of these...

Inspired by the Brazilian Twitter user @mareparts and her soon-to-be legendary thread comparing men to ~menstrual~ pads, we've created a ranking of feminine hygiene products as boyfriends.

Ratings are based on comfort, packaging, and general dependability, of course.

12. The Menstrual Sponge

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Environmentally friendly and just oh-so-different in an ~in touch with the earth~ kind of way, the appeal is definitely there.

But even though you know that logically it all should work, these dudes still feel weirdly invasive and terrifying all at once. Because WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU'RE DONE? Some people will have the fortitude to uh, reach ~within~ to make this work, but most do not, and therefore in our opinion, these are NOT the foundation for a healthy long-term relationship. Plus, does anyone else think they look suspiciously flaky?

11. The Thong Pantyliner

Always

Again, we'll say: This guy will work for some ladies out there — ladies with perfect Instagrams and cuticles, and who have cosmic faith in the universe and live in a world where slippage doesn't happen — but that's not you. You are a full, bleeding (heh)-heart woman with real demands, and you need a little more than a tiny little patch of adhesive in your life.

10. The Wingless Pad

TENA

This motherfucker is a TRICK. He's soft and sturdy-looking and seems to offer the kind of full-frontal support that fairy tales are made of. As a result, he'll lull you into a false sense of security, and you'll go to sleep entrusting him with everything — your favorite PJs, your sheets, your sense of dignity. And without fail, he will turn on you and ruin everything.

9. Crumpled Toilet Paper

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We've all been there: Times were tough, Aunt Flo pulled a fast one on us, CVS was closed, and we got desperate. This one is less of a steady boyf than a reliably easy access hookup who never asks for anything more, and we kind of love him for that.

8. The Daily Pantyliner

Twitter: @mareparts

Your friends will tell you it's not worth it, but you get sucked in because it just seems so cute and **so easy.** After a while, you just keep committing because life suddenly feels weird without him, and then all of a sudden, wham, bam, thank you ma'am — you have yourself a raging yeast infection.

7. The Thin Pad With Wings

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He's got huge mass appeal, but you'll need to limit your expectations because TBQH, he's not that great outside of the bedroom. Plus, he's failed you miserably at least once, and so there's definitely a trust issue still there.

6. The Tampon With the Cardboard Applicator

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I mean, he's fine. A reliable choice that doesn't cut into your budget and fulfills all of your basic needs...but he's sometimes uncomfortably dry and boring, and you're always going to suspect that you deserve a little better.

5. The Tampon With the Nice Applicator

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You'll fall for his ~gentle glide~ goodness and flashy looks — it's what you've always dreamed of when you were growing up and watching TV. But after a while, the glamour of it will fade, because he ends up being a little too extra, for you and the earth. Once the guilt about your environmental footprint overrides that silky smooth exterior, it's best to cut him out of your life for good.

4. The Organic Tampon

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This guy is serious arm candy that you'll love showing off whenever you can — he's got all the perks of #5, but is overall way more impressive, assuming you've got the money to throw around with him.

3. The Tampon That Comes Without Any Applicator At All

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At first, you're going to be a little reluctant. Is this really my kind of thing? Can I really do this?? You can't imagine getting that real with yourself so soon. But before you know it, you can't imagine life without this guy.

Sometimes, he's embarrassing as fuck because he doesn't come in a trendy cool ~exterior~, but you always know you can count on him. Overall, he's a way more sustainable choice on almost every account, and to top it all off, you can literally take him anywhere.

2. The Menstrual Cup

Reprodução

This guy is commitment with a capital "C," because once you invest, you know you'll have to stick with it for a while. But if serious relaysh material is your thing, we recommend giving him a fair chance. Plus, all of your hippest friends will love him.

1. The Overnight Pad With Wings

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It's love, and you know it. He's your best friend, your gentle nighttime companion, and a reliable source of support when things get really tough. This boyf is loyal as hell, because once he commits, you know he'll stay put AF.

This post was adapted from Portuguese.