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Animals March Madness, Round One: Polar Bears Versus Walruses

The battles have begun!

by ,
Justine Zwiebel

A: Consider the walrus.

Wildlife Conservation Society, Julie Larsen Maher / AP

You might think you've already decided how you're going to vote in this important fight, but I hope you'll genuinely consider what both sides have to offer and, once you've weighed the facts: choose walruses. Walruses are sociable, tactile, hilarious, and smart. Polar bears, while ostensibly "cute," are cold-blooded killers who would eat you alive if given a chance. Walruses love to snuggle, make out, sleep, and make crazy noises. If we look deeply into the eyes of a walrus, what emerges is a picture of ourselves. Walruses are full of love. I find them adorable, but more importantly, they have heart, soul, and mustaches. -Summer Anne Burton

A: Are you serious? We live in Polar Bear World. SMH.


Remember your favorite animal in third grade? GUESS WHAT? IT'S STILL YOUR FAVORITE ANIMAL! Have you ever seen a walrus? It looks like an angry man who likes to go bowling a lot but isn't particularly good. You know who's good at bowling? Polar bears, maybe. I'm not sure. Other things polar bears are good at: loving, fighting, hunting, snuggling, math, cuddling, singing, and most other things that end in "-ing." They also invented the facepalm and several types of antibiotics that have saved countless children. That's right, children. -Dave Stopera

B: Check out these vocalizations!

View this video on YouTube

I've never seen a polar bear do anything other than look vaguely cute or kill a smaller and more innocent creature. Meanwhile, walruses are making noises like this crazy beast. If you think looks > personality, choose the polar bear. But if you understand that what really matters is the crazy-ass noise this big guy makes at 0:10, vote walrus.

B: Singing? Polar bears have no time for singing, they are too busy training for a black belt.

Which they will also use only for good and to save even more children. That's right, children. Again.

C: Baby walruses are heart-meltingly adorable.

Facebook: AlaskaSeaLifeCenter

Not only do they have cute faces, but apparently they are incredibly tactile creatures who love to be snuggled and cuddled. JUST TRY to look deeply into this little big guy's face and tell him that he shouldn't be the next big animal. Guess what? He'll want to give you a hug either way. <3 <3 <3

Marc Lester / MCT via Landov / Via

This description of what it's like to snuggle with a baby walrus should tell you all you need to know.

Facebook: AlaskaSeaLifeCenter

This orphaned baby walrus doesn't understand why he isn't already your favorite animal.

Facebook: AlaskaSeaLifeCenter / Via

OK, I am dead from the cuteness.

C: Clearly, you were either born without eyes or have never seen a baby polar bear. I hope it's the latter, because if not I am very sorry for making fun of your very serious disability.

Seren Koch, Hilmer & Kock Naturfotografi/Skandinavisk Dyrepark

Polar bears would never make fun of a very serious disability.

I'm sorry about your eyes, or lack thereof.

D: Walruses are super-smooth, and they have diverse taste in music.

View this video on YouTube

Above, you see a walrus playing the saxophone, smoothly.

Below, a walrus dancing to Michael Jackson is a smooth criminal.

View this video on YouTube

D: What's all this about music, again? Sorry, most polar bears are too busy training for their next triathalon.

E: What was that about working out?

Sorry, this walrus was too busy training like a boss to hear you.


E: Sorry, I can't hear you over this GIF of a polar bear being tickled.

F: Walruses are so humble that they're super-embarrassed by birthday celebrations.

Erik Bashatly

F: Polar bears will viciously attack you if you forget to wish them a happy birthday.

G: Walruses are hilarious.

Photo by SeaWorld San Diego / Getty Images

Everything they do is infused with a sense of humor!

G: Polar bears, despite being what many call "nature's busiest animal," still find time out of their intense training for some fun too.

H: Rob Lowe loves walruses.

Bob Couey / Getty Images

The only thing cuter than Rob Lowe in this picture is that baby walrus.

Bob Couey / Getty Images

H: Polar bears don't need Rob Lowe's charity. They can get drinks on their own. Speaking of drinking, I once saw a polar bear shotgun four beers in a row and eat the cans.

I: Walruses have excellent mustaches.

Photo by Kochi Kamoshida / Getty Images

But they're still embarrassed by all this attention, because they don't have HUGE EGOS like some bears we can think of...

I: That walrus doesn't look comfortable in his own skin. Polar bears, on the other hand, are so confident in their physical appearance that they spend most of their day taking new Facebook pics.

J: Walruses are passionate lovers.

Keystone / Getty Images

May 6, 1967: Two walruses kiss at the Hagenbeck Zoo in Hamburg, Germany.

J: Polar bears are more interested in long-term, committed relationships instead of one-night stands. You can't be too careful these days.

Photo by Keren Su

They also love creatures of every species...even walruses.

Ina Fassbender / Reuters


Ina Fassbender / Reuters


K: One more thing: Here's that baby walrus again, snuggling up to one of his friends because his heart is completely full of love and acceptance for all people and other creatures great and small.

K: Have you ever seen a walrus frolic through a field of flowers? Oh, wait? You haven't? That's because walruses can't walk. SORRY, WALRUSES, BUT THESE FLOWERS ARE BEAUTIFUL! Enjoy "swimming" or whatever!

Ooooooh, walruses. Looks like you just got polar burned. Need a hug?


Voting is now closed.

Walruses win (by the tiniest of margins)! More to come – keep track of it all here.

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