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Animals March Madness, Round One: Polar Bears Versus Walruses

The battles have begun!

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A: Consider the walrus.

Wildlife Conservation Society, Julie Larsen Maher / AP

You might think you've already decided how you're going to vote in this important fight, but I hope you'll genuinely consider what both sides have to offer and, once you've weighed the facts: choose walruses. Walruses are sociable, tactile, hilarious, and smart. Polar bears, while ostensibly "cute," are cold-blooded killers who would eat you alive if given a chance. Walruses love to snuggle, make out, sleep, and make crazy noises. If we look deeply into the eyes of a walrus, what emerges is a picture of ourselves. Walruses are full of love. I find them adorable, but more importantly, they have heart, soul, and mustaches. -Summer Anne Burton


A: Are you serious? We live in Polar Bear World. SMH.


Remember your favorite animal in third grade? GUESS WHAT? IT'S STILL YOUR FAVORITE ANIMAL! Have you ever seen a walrus? It looks like an angry man who likes to go bowling a lot but isn't particularly good. You know who's good at bowling? Polar bears, maybe. I'm not sure. Other things polar bears are good at: loving, fighting, hunting, snuggling, math, cuddling, singing, and most other things that end in "-ing." They also invented the facepalm and several types of antibiotics that have saved countless children. That's right, children. -Dave Stopera

B: Check out these vocalizations!

View this video on YouTube

I've never seen a polar bear do anything other than look vaguely cute or kill a smaller and more innocent creature. Meanwhile, walruses are making noises like this crazy beast. If you think looks > personality, choose the polar bear. But if you understand that what really matters is the crazy-ass noise this big guy makes at 0:10, vote walrus.

B: Singing? Polar bears have no time for singing, they are too busy training for a black belt.

Which they will also use only for good and to save even more children. That's right, children. Again.

C: Baby walruses are heart-meltingly adorable.

Facebook: AlaskaSeaLifeCenter

Not only do they have cute faces, but apparently they are incredibly tactile creatures who love to be snuggled and cuddled. JUST TRY to look deeply into this little big guy's face and tell him that he shouldn't be the next big animal. Guess what? He'll want to give you a hug either way. <3 <3 <3


C: Clearly, you were either born without eyes or have never seen a baby polar bear. I hope it's the latter, because if not I am very sorry for making fun of your very serious disability.

Seren Koch, Hilmer & Kock Naturfotografi/Skandinavisk Dyrepark

Polar bears would never make fun of a very serious disability.

D: Walruses are super-smooth, and they have diverse taste in music.

View this video on YouTube

Above, you see a walrus playing the saxophone, smoothly.

Below, a walrus dancing to Michael Jackson is a smooth criminal.


View this video on YouTube

I: Walruses have excellent mustaches.

Photo by Kochi Kamoshida / Getty Images

But they're still embarrassed by all this attention, because they don't have HUGE EGOS like some bears we can think of...

I: That walrus doesn't look comfortable in his own skin. Polar bears, on the other hand, are so confident in their physical appearance that they spend most of their day taking new Facebook pics.

K: One more thing: Here's that baby walrus again, snuggling up to one of his friends because his heart is completely full of love and acceptance for all people and other creatures great and small.

K: Have you ever seen a walrus frolic through a field of flowers? Oh, wait? You haven't? That's because walruses can't walk. SORRY, WALRUSES, BUT THESE FLOWERS ARE BEAUTIFUL! Enjoy "swimming" or whatever!


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