Hello, world. My name's Stephen, and like any red-blooded American patriot, I am a big fan of the Bravo reality series Vanderpump Rules.
Now if you DON'T know what Vanderpump Rules is, allow me to explain: It's an absolutely batshit reality series about a group of friends who all work* together at a restaurant in West Hollywood, owned by Lisa Vanderpump from Real Housewives of Beverly Hills.
The cast drinks, they fight, and they cheat on each other CONSTANTLY, and it is honestly the best television series I have ever seen. No exaggeration.
And I'm not the only one who thinks so! The show has a very A-list cult following which includes Chrissy Teigen, Lady Gaga, and Jennifer Lawrence. This show is ART y'all.
The show airs on Monday nights, and — I cannot stress this enough — you absolutely must start watching it. So, without further ado, here are the 77 things I thought about during this week's episode.
1. God, these opening credits get me every time. WHAT I'D GIVE to twirl a cocktail tray in slow motion like that.
2. Damn, how did Raquel manage to sneak herself into these credits? Do you think anyone noticed? She is pretty quiet...
3. Lisa hungover is truly a MOOD.
4. I love how Lisa tells Peter she only had two drinks, and then we immediately cut to her the night before saying she's had five. We love a shady edit!
5. Y'know, they actually don't do that many shady edits for Lisa on this show. Maybe the editors are scared of her. I would be.
6. I do not like when the Toms call Lisa "cute." That's your boss!
7. I love that Kristen and Ariana are friends now. LOOK HOW FAR WE'VE COME.
8. But the show completely glossed over how they became friends. That coulda been a whole fucking season!
9. Lisa uninviting Kristen from the party was unnecessarily rude.
10. Why can't Lisa forgive Kristen? She continually forgives Jax for much, much worse.
11. Lala broke a hurricane-proof window while she was drunk??? Literally, HOW?
12. Why are they worried about Kristen getting travel anxiety on a trip TWO HOURS outside of Los Angeles...?
13. OH NO NOT CARTER. Are they broken up now??? I'm gonna go check Instagram.
14. Okay, they're still together according to Instagram. Phew!
15. Wait, Brittany's curly interview hair is so pretty. I stan.
16. They're all calling Jax cheap but honestly this IS kinda over-the-top for an engagement party?
17. Or maybe I'm just cheap, too. Who knows!
18. But all these prices they're saying are just for the camera, right? I mean, I feel like all this stuff gets comped because they're doing it on the show???
19. FOURTEEN GRAND FOR AN ENGAGEMENT PARTY?
20. I'm glad that Jax and Brittany have decided to go to therapy! That sounds very healthy of them. As long as they don't do it on camera.
21. Oh fuck, they're gonna do it on camera, aren't they?
22. Why are they still making Tom Sandoval pretend he works at Sur? He has his own bar now! It's literally named after him! He doesn't work at Sur anymore and that's okay!
23. I love that Scheana's job at Sur is apparently "stuffing the menus." Ugh, none of these people actually work at this restaurant, do they?
24. All this "girl's night" and "guy's night" business is really getting ridiculous. Heterosexuals are WILD!
25. Lol @ the girls asking Lisa for "time off" from Sur to go on their trip. Can we stop with the fakery? We know they're gonna go.
26. And double lol @ Scheana saying she found someone to "cover her shift". COVER YOUR SHIFT DOING WHAT, SCHEANA? STUFFING THE MENUS?
27. Look, I know this show gets kinda fake sometimes. But the drama is real. AND THAT'S WHY WE WATCH.
28. Ah, and now James is doing therapy on-camera. Why does Bravo LOVE having people do therapy on-camera?
29. Damn, his family issues are actually pretty heavy. He's financially supporting BOTH his parents?
30. I don't want to write any more thoughts on this scene. It is bumming me out!!!
31. Instead I'm just gonna write about the therapist. Why do these therapists agree to do this on camera? Shouldn't that be, like........frowned upon.....in the therapy world?
32. Okay. Thank god that scene is over. Too hard to watch.
33. I love that Katie's opinion on private jets changed as soon as she got invited on a private jet. Relatable.
34. But can we just acknowledge for a second that private jets are VERY BAD for the environment? Do not use them, people.
35. So is this "travel anxiety" thing actually gonna be a thing? THEY ARE GOING TWO HOURS OUTSIDE OF LOS ANGELES!
36. Stassi and Beau are so cute together. I'm happy for them. Sue me!
37. OH GOD DAMMIT. Now Jax and Brittany are doing their therapy on-camera. I knew it.
38. WHY ARE ALL THESE THERAPISTS WILLING TO DO THIS?
39. Jax refusing to talk about his own cheating past is...dark.
40. Somebody save Brittany!!!
41. "Why are you rolling your eyes?" Okay I kinda stan this therapist now.
42. HOW IS BRITTANY NOW APOLOGIZING TO JAX? This dude is such a gaslighter.
43. SOMEONE. SAVE. BRITTANY.
44. Ariana singing.......oh no baby what is you doing???
45. Why is it a rite of passage for EVERY Bravolebrity to record a single? Is it in their contracts that they have to?
46. This is going only SLIGHTLY better than Tom's trumpet solo.
47. James' mother makes me feel...dark inside. Something is very wrong there.
48. Is she drinking an entire pint glass of rosé? It's, like, noon.
49. He pays his mother 200 dollars every three days??? Where do I sign up to become James' mother?
50. Honestly, James is a fucking mess but after watching this scene...he's doing his best, y'all.
51. She's very angry! She would honestly make an incredible Real Housewife of New Jersey.
52. "You took your first steps at fucking Tiffany's." HOUSEWIFE STATUS CONFIRMED.
53. Jax telling Brittany that next time she needs to go to therapy by herself...I CANNOT.
55. Now James' mother is getting dinner with Lisa??? Is this woman like fully a cast member now?
56. And if she IS a cast member now, can Bravo start paying her so that James doesn't have to?
57. How is Raquel in the opening credits and the mother isn't? Someone give her a tray to twirl STAT.
58. Ugh, are we really putting James' little brother on the show now, too? Okay, fine, whatever.
59. Lisa's distaste for this woman is palpable.
60. "Love you, Vanderpump." I DON'T THINK THE FEELING IS MUTUAL.
61. If they call their private jet "the PJ" one more time I'm gonna scream.
62. K, I'm gonna scream.
63. Of course Kristen found the box of liquor on the plane right away. God, I love her.
64. It literally makes no sense to fly to Solvang. It's a two hour drive away! Randall definitely just wanted to flex his private jet on camera, and he chose the cheapest possible flight to do it.
65. Lala not drinking but wanting everyone else to get shitfaced is bizarre.
66. Kristen, ILYSM, but just apologize for being late! There's nothing more annoying than someone who claims that being late is just part of their personality. It is totally within your power to fix!
67. Kristen says she doesn't want to room with Stassi now but I kinda feel like Stassi would be the best roommate of the bunch? She seems like she would be very respectful and clean and just want to sleep a lot???
68. Why is Scheana complaining about getting a room to herself? THAT'S THE DREAM.
69. Aw, James' brother is so cute and wholesome and way too pure for this show. Someone protect him!
70. Damn, Guillermo came in HOT.
71. And now James is crying. I don't like to see this poor boy cry!!!
72. Honestly, this episode has completely redeemed James for me. He is going THROUGH IT, y'all.
73. Solvang is so cute, why haven't I ever gone there? Probably because I don't have a PJ.
74. Did Kristen really just eat a plant off the fucking sidewalk? God, I LOVE HER.
75. Oh, Crazy Kristen is COMING. I can feel it in my bones.
76. Why are they all complaining about Crazy Kristen?? Do they not realize that Crazy Kristen is literally the reason they're all getting a paycheck?
77. I LOVE THIS FUCKING SHOW. SEE YOU NEXT WEEK.