1.
I worked at forever 21 as a cashier and i guess the customer i rang up was an ig baddie because a few people recognized her but I didn’t and when I checked her out she was like “this line is so long do you know who i am” and I said “no sorry” and then her card declined for $1.35
2.
My dad went to a doctors apt with my grandma & found out she was diagnosed with dementia over a year ago but she never told anyone because she forgot lmfaoooo
3.
When I was younger I thought cops were legally allowed to commit crimes and get away with it and then I got older and found out that wasn’t true and then I got even older and found out it was
4.
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
5.
the united states is $22 trillion dollars in debt and they have the audacity to try and give ME a credit score? worry about yourself first babygirl
6.
Being poor is cool cus you’ll be saving up for something you really want and you’ll be almost there and ready to buy it and then your check engine light comes on
7.
why do they keep remaking disney movies and make the animals look “realistic” if i wanted to see an elephant be sad for over an hour i would go to the zoo
8.
PETER PAN: we meet again, Captain Hook CAPTAIN HOOK: well well well-- wait u guys call me Hook? PETER PAN: yeah CAPTAIN HOOK: because of the hand? PETER PAN: ...i'm sorr- CAPTAIN HOOK: wow ok hey my dads dead too why not call me captain dead dad
9.
I finally got my average resting heart rate down to 65 beats per minute. Only 65 more to go.
10.
2011: The world’s gonna end next year...like probably....bc of something w the Mayans People: *freaking out* 2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast. People: lol ok
11.
I remember my moms Uncle Joe died and got cremated and we were on the way to the funeral and she said she wanted some coffee and my older brother said “well we got a box ‘a Joe right here” and that didn’t make her laugh
12.
In elementary school when we would have read out loud to the class from the textbook I would literally count the kids in front of me and figure out what section I was reading so I could practice it before it got to my turn & I think that’s where my anxiety started.
13.
Do you ever catch someone looking at your paper during an exam and almost feel bad that they think you’re the right person to cheat off of
14.
[buying a dog] hi yes i want to be absolutely devastated in like 11 years or so
15.
My teacher is asking kids “Did you get anything for Valentine’s Day?” If a kid says no she puts candy on their desk. When she got to me she didn’t even ask she just put it on my desk.
16.
me to my anxiety: people are focused on themselves. they're not thinking about you depression: ever me: that's not what i meant
17.
Just learned our 9y/o did an experiment on us. Lost tooth, told no one for 3d, kept tooth under his pillow. No $. Then he tells us he lost the tooth, next night there is money under his pillow. Then confronted us with his scientific evidence that the tooth fairy isn't real.
18.
Me: *slapping my older brother in the face with his own hand* haha stop hitting yourself, why are you hitting yourself Sister-in-law: *crying* is this why you wanted an open casket
19.
*on Ellen* ELLEN: so i hear u tweet about wanting to die ME: haha yeah, i do *Death comes out, creeps up behind me* ME: omg ellen you didnt
20.
My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
21.
I jokingly reminded my grandpa that we were the only single people in the family and he seriously reminded me that’s only because his wife died.
22.
My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.
23.
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn't, I have some bad news