Hello, world. My name's Stephen LaConte, I'm a writer here at BuzzFeed, and according to my friends and family, I'm pretty darn good at giving advice.
So I've invited readers like you to message me on Instagram and Twitter (@StephenLC in both places) with your biggest problems — and I'm solving 'em right here on BuzzFeed, one DM at a time. Let's get right to it.
Today, we've got this woman, whose boyfriend has never given her an orgasm before and says there's "no point" in trying now:
You and your boyfriend need to sit down and have a frank conversation about this. I really do not love his "there's no point" attitude, but being as generous as I possibly can here, he is working with incorrect information right now. He thinks you've never gotten off before, and that's simply not true! So let's correct the record on that before we do anything else.
You should fess up, but you don't need to be overly apologetic or contrite about it. This was a small fib that you thought would be inconsequential, not some major betrayal for which you need to get on your knees and beg forgiveness. Simply let him know that, early on in your relationship, you told him you'd never had an orgasm before because you thought it would take the pressure off him — but you now realize this was a mistake, and you'd like to speak more openly about what does and doesn't work for you moving forward.
The good news is, you probably DO know a thing or two about what works for you, because you've had multiple orgasms with multiple partners in the past. When you no longer have to live in the fiction that you've never cum before, you can be a lot more direct about what it takes to get you there.
And, speaking of being direct, don't be afraid to ask for what you need! Your orgasm isn't some riddle that your boyfriend has to figure out on his own. If there's something you wish he would start doing, or stop doing, or do differently, you should feel free and empowered to tell him that, period.
It's also important to recognize that the things that get you off might be different than the things that get him off. For the entire duration of your relationship, sex has probably ended as soon as your boyfriend came — and it's time to change that. Your orgasm might take longer, and it might require something other than plain old penetration, but it is just as valid and important to the experience as his orgasm is.
If your boyfriend is a good partner, he'll be happy to have this new information and a better shot at giving you an orgasm. If he's a bad partner, he'll be a jerk about this, focus solely on the lie you told at the start of your relationship, and turn himself into the victim. So if you're having doubts about whether or not this man is someone you should be with, pay close attention to his response to this conversation. It will tell you a lot.
You and your boyfriend may also want to consider therapy if you continue to have trouble with this. Whether you choose a general couples therapist or a sex therapist specifically, some insight from an expert might help the two of you break down whatever communication barriers remain and find a sex life that's satisfying for you both.
And one final piece of advice: You might be tempted to give your boyfriend a little encouragement or ego boost by faking the occasional orgasm. Don't do this. Ever. Please!!!
Faking orgasms will only make it more difficult for your boyfriend to figure out what actually works for you — and it reinforces the idea that his orgasm is the more important one. I can personally guarantee you that your boyfriend will never, ever fake a single orgasm in his entire mortal life, so neither should you.
TL;DR: Tell him the truth, be direct about what you need, and if he continues to be apathetic about your orgasm, it might be time to move on. Good luck — you got this.
That's all the advice I'm giving today, folks, but if you've got any words of wisdom for our DMer, please share them in the comments. I'll be reading.
P.S. Do YOU have a problem that you want fixed in front of thousands of Internet strangers? DM me! I'm @StephenLC on Instagram and @StephenLC on Twitter. Just be sure to read the rules below first. See you in the DMs!
