Hello, friends. My name's Stephen LaConte, I'm a writer here at BuzzFeed, and according to my friends and family, I'm pretty darn good at giving advice.
So I've invited the world to message me on Instagram and Twitter (@StephenLC in both places) with your biggest problems. And I'm solving 'em on BuzzFeed, one DM at a time. Let's get right to it!
Today, we've got this woman, who's developed a crush on her (theoretically heterosexual) roommate. Now she wants to know whether to tell her about it:
I think you should pump the brakes on telling your roommate about this — unless you're ready to move out if the conversation goes south.
As a gay man myself, I know all too well the painful experience of crushing on a straight person. It sucks! And hey, maybe your roommate isn't really straight, as you imply in your DM — but you say she's "not outwardly bi," which I interpret to mean she currently identifies as a hetero.
If she does say she's straight, you need to take her at her word on that. "Flirty vibes" are not sufficient evidence to the contrary, and many straight women appreciate beauty in others without wanting to date them.
And (I'm saying this next part without ANY judgment, because I have fully been there) sometimes our minds show us what our hearts want to see, instead of what's really happening. There's a chance you're reading more into your interactions with this person than what's actually there — at the very least, you need to explore that possibility before sitting her down for a conversation.
Now, if you didn't live with this person, I'd probably encourage you to throw caution to the wind and tell her about your feelings. After all, there's nothing shameful or wrong about your crush, and if there's even a small chance the feelings are reciprocated, why not roll the dice and tell her about it, right?
But you do live with her, which means rolling the dice comes with much higher stakes. Both of you deserve a home where you can feel comfortable and safe, and both of you will be at risk of losing that if this conversation doesn't go as you hope.
For example, let's say you tell her, but she doesn't like you back. Now you have to deal with the awkwardness of seeing her every day — and she might, for her part, have reservations about living with someone who just professed their love for her.
Another scenario: Let's say you tell her, and she isn't sure how she feels. Maybe she's never had attraction to women until now and is still processing her feelings for you. If that's the case, you'd need to give her space to figure it out, without pressure — which is very hard to do when you're living together.
And while we're at it, let's explore the third, most optimistic scenario: You tell her, and she does indeed like you back! Yay! But do you really want to live with your new girlfriend of one day? If you two are going to start dating, you might want to move out anyway, so your relationship can start in a lower-stakes way.
So my advice to you, dear DMer, is to spend a little more time sitting with these feelings before you act on them. Ask yourself if revealing this crush is worth disrupting the roommate/best friend relationship you currently have. And if it IS worth it, then great! Go for it. But either move out before the conversation takes place, or be ready to pack your bags real soon after.
And honestly, you might want to consider moving out even if you DON'T tell her about this crush. If she's really, truly straight, I think you'll need to find a way to get over your feelings for her — and that will be hard to do when you're in such close proximity to her.
TL;DR: Take some time, sit with your feelings for a bit, and no matter what you decide, it might be time to start browsing those apartment listings on Craigslist. Good luck, my friend! I'm rooting for ya.
That's all the advice I'm giving today, folks, but if you've got any words of wisdom for our DMer, please share them in the comments. I'll be reading.