Over the weekend, a viral Reddit thread asked high school teachers, "What is the one thing that you want your students to know that you’d never tell them in person?"
The thread quickly blew up, as more and more teachers started chiming in with their ~juiciest~ secrets. Here are some of the wildest things teachers confessed to:
1. "Yes, I put you in a group with the kid you have a crush on intentionally. I'm stuck here with you 180 days a year — I want to see some drama."
2. "Your parents are literally the worst part of my job."
3. "The weed smell doesn't magically disappear between the parking lot and my classroom."
4. "If your parents email a teacher and argue with them, the whole staff knows. (At least at my school.)"
5. "We have much better hearing than you assume. We just choose our battles as it pertains to inappropriate comments."
6. "If I know your name by the third day of a new school year, that means you're probably an asshole."
7. "Yelling 'fuck!' in the hallways doesn’t make you a badass. Teachers are yelling 'fuck' in their heads all day long."
8. "My students are the reason why I am second-guessing having my own kids."
9. "Please stop Juuling in the classroom. That’s what the bathrooms are for."
10. "When you think you are being genius by getting me to talk about random things at the beginning of class instead of 'teaching.' I'm really allowing it to happen because I don't have enough planned to cover a full class."
11. "I can smell you. Everyone can. Please, for the love of god, use deodorant."
12. "I don't care that you came to class stoned. Just stop interrupting class, and for god's sake, don't touch any power tools while you're stoned."
13. "It's just as weird for me as it is for you when we bump into each other in public."
14. "If you are stupid enough to have filmed yourself doing something that can get you in trouble, especially legal trouble, for the love of God don't post it online."
15. "I am no longer a teacher, but I remember several days that I felt lazy and wanted to give the class the day off. I never did because I knew the teacher's pet would rat me out. Sometimes even the teachers don't like the teacher's pet."
16. "A lot of us drink, smoke, and sleep around more than you do, and hearing you try to hide it as if it's something we wouldn't know about is richly ironic."
17. "I’d let you get away with so much more if you were actually a decent person who treated others with kindness and respect. Assholes rarely get the benefit of doubt or indifference."
18. "One of the most valuable lessons I can teach you is to fake looking busy. If we're supposed to be working on an assignment or reading or whatever, and you see me coming your way...at the least have a piece of paper on your desk and a pen in your hand and some shit on your paper, and then I won't bother you."
19. "I wish I could let my students know how dumb they look sometimes. And how they need to relax and stop taking themselves so seriously."
20. "Yes, I do have favorite students. No, I won't tell you who they are because that would discourage you, but yes, they're probably who you imagine them to be."
21. "You can't bullshit a bullshitter. I can tell 95% of what you're saying is a lie, so stop."
22. "If you’re jacking off in class, we can tell."
23. "In my 11-year career, the only names that I truly remember are the insanely talented kids and the students who were an absolute clusterfuck of a human being."
24. "If you’re going to eat in class, stop staring at me while you’re doing it! You’re ratting yourself out."
25. "One day you're going to come across people who are not being paid to tolerate you, and all of a sudden life is going to become considerably more difficult."
26. "You’re not going to be YouTube famous. Sit the fuck down and listen."
27. "I encourage my worst kids as much or more than my favorites because I don’t want them back in my class next year."
Note: Some responses have been edited for length and/or clarity.