Back in 2016, I asked the BuzzFeed Community to tell me their absolute worst, funniest, and embarrassing diarrhea horror stories.
I received so many submissions, but there was one in particular from BuzzFeed user Idahopotato that literally brought tears to my eyes.
Because everyone loves a good poop horror story, I thought I'd share this gripping tale with you. Ladies and gentlemen, here's the story of Mary Poopins:
User Idahopotato said that it all began on a beautiful spring day: "I wasn’t feeling the best, but I was guilted into going to the play Mary Poppins at our local performing arts center."
Apparently the seats were fantastic: "We were third row from the front, smack in the middle — the kind of middle where you can’t escape because you would have to do the movie theater shuffle for a mile and a half."
Then things took a turn for the worse: "The play started, but then it happened... The pain was unbearable. I almost passed out multiple times from my bowels doing the salsa. I thought I was dying."
"I squeezed my mom’s leg in a desperate attempt to convey that I was in such a panic and didn't know what to do. I awoke her from a hardy slumber and all I could think was, 'Why?! Why me?!'"
Apparently it took forever for the play to reach intermission, and Idahopotato was stuck in the middle the whole time: "I couldn’t just get up! I was in the center of a crowded room! At each slight pause I prayed that the curtains would drop, only to be horrified to find another song start up."
"Finally the curtains closed. Intermission! I was free! I jumped out of my seat and plowed my way through the people sitting. I got to the door before the lights came on. I was unstoppable!"
But just as Idahopotato saw freedom, something happened: "I heard my name. Some long-lost friends spotted me. I was in a nightmare. Too polite and socially conscious, I tightened my sphincter and put a fake smile on my green, sweaty, miserable face."
"Luckily my mom came in behind me. I acted like I was going to walk with her towards my friends, but I quickly made a fake right and booked it to the restrooms."
But Idahopotato wasn't fast enough. There was already a line outside the bathroom. "I was dancing, trying with all my might not to pass out from gas pains."
"I wondered: Could I be lucky enough to maybe vomit and pee myself along with releasing the great flood from my anus in this line? Maybe then people won't be so damn selfish with forcing me to wait."
Luckily, Idahopotato finally got to a toilet. "You know the movie Mad Max where there are a whole bunch of fiery explosions? The toilet almost caught fire."
"My mom followed the scent of nuclear waste mixed with stagnant pond sludge to find me miserably sitting with a flood of molten lava burning everything in its path."
Finally, Idahopotato was saved. "My mom said that we could leave, which was a nice sentiment if I wasn’t knee-deep in agony. I looked as though I had survived war."
Idahopotato finished the story with one final sentiment: "May 14th will be solemnly remembered as The Day of the Brown Squirts. The day I lost my innocence. The day I contemplated squatting mid-aisle during a play. The day I learned that life is fleeting."
~Fin~
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