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Who Should You Visa Marry?
Remember Jen? She was nice, wasn’t she? You met at a house party a few years ago and made small talk about the shit beer you were drinking. You’ve stalked her on Facebook and it looks like she’s living in Toronto. The only problem is, she IS already in a relationship, so things might get really awkward. Maybe send her a message and ask if she’ll march you down the aisle so you can start a new life wearing flannel shirts and generally being nice to people. Who knows, maybe her girlfriend won’t mind!
Philippe seems like a really nice guy, doesn’t he? He wears fancy jumpers, and he brought all those nice macarons to the office when he came back from his last holiday. Your mum would probably call him a “lovely young man”. Even more excitingly, Philippe has a French passport! You barely speak to each other at the moment, but maybe it’s time to send him a speculative email. It’s only a quick ferry ride across the Channel and you can start your new life over in France with him.
You met her at a youth hostel party in Amsterdam a few years ago, and if you remember rightly she’s German. She might be called Marta, or maybe Ava – your memory is a bit fuzzy. Or are you confusing her with that girl from uni who had a similar name? Anywho, she brought a bottle of Jäger with her and you drunkenly snogged at that grim hostel party. She’s saved in your phone as “Girl Amsterdam”, so why not send her a text? You and “Girl” could have a beautiful life together.
Remember that Swedish boy who moved to your school in Year 10? Well it turns out that not only is Sweden really good at Eurovision, it’s also in the EU, so you’ll still be able to travel freely and live wherever you want. Hooray! Luckily he’s careless enough to have a public Facebook profile, and it seems he’s got a pretty good job and a pretty nice dog. Why not add him and start on your path to a beautiful life of hiking and taxation in Sweden!
If Scotland declares independence, marrying your Scottish neighbour Hamish might actually be a good idea. So what if he’s 20 years older than you? It won’t matter when you get to move to a big castle in the Highlands and live out the rest of your life pretending to be in Game of Thrones. Start saying hi to him in the hallway! You might be able to get married, and maybe that will stop him from sliding passive-aggressive notes about the recycling under your door.
Dan isn’t really your friend, but he’d probably let you visa-marry him for banter. Honestly he’s kind of a fucking douche. You’d definitely get annoyed with him and end up getting a horrible divorce, but that’s a small price to pay for the option of enjoying an idyllic life in Australia. Their politics is almost as bad as ours, but at least you get to sunbathe while the world collapses around you.
Your friend Hannah has a housemate from Poland! Luckily for you, Klara is a great catch. She’s got a bunch of degrees and a pretty good job in a bank. You’ve only spoken once and it was that one time when you all decided to have an afterparty in the kitchen and woke her up. She seemed pretty pissed off, but maybe there’s time to rekindle your relationship. Marry her and you’ll be allowed to move to Poland if it all kicks off here! And hey, at least pounds are still worth SOMETHING in Poland.
Her name badge says her name is Megan but honestly it could be Margaret or maybe even Marigold – you never have your glasses on to be able to read it clearly enough. She remembers what you order every morning, which seems like a really good reason to get married. You’re pretty sure she said something about being here to study, so maybe you can go with her when she goes back to America! It’s time to strike up a conversation over your next Americano order. You never know where it could go!
Remember when you had that summer job in 2012 and you made friends with that Italian guy? Anyway, he seemed like a pretty nice bloke, and from what you remember, he had one of those glamorous Italian lake houses and did a lot of mountain biking. Everyone thought he was pretty hot. I mean, you’re fairly sure you saw his wedding photos on Facebook last year, but don’t let that stop you!