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What London Landlords Actually Mean

"Thriving nightlife" – There are several 24-hour chicken shops nearby.

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1. "Up and coming area" – Everyone who was born here will be gone within 5-10 years.

2. "Vibrant" – For god’s sake don’t google the crime rates for this postcode.

3. "Thriving nightlife" – There are several 24-hour chicken shops nearby.

4. "Cosy" – You will be able to touch both walls with your arms outstretched.

5. "Extra single bedroom/study space" – Large storage cupboard.

6. "Period features" – Single-glazed windows.

7. "In need of modernisation" – Hasn't been redecorated since the '70s.

8. "Open plan living" – We put a sofa in the kitchen.

9. "Access to a shared garden" – You can have a BBQ while your neighbours watch.

10. "Bike storage" – Terrifying 50-year-old shed full of spiders.

11. "Balcony" – Your bike will still get stolen from here.

12. "Recently updated" – We replaced the oven because the gas safety inspector told us it was hazardous.

13. "New-build" – You will accidentally punch through one of the walls when you’re drunk.

14. "Modern interior" – Literally everything in this flat is painted white or made of chrome.

15. "Bathroom suite" – For some reason we’re acting like having a toilet is a perk.

16. "Central location" – Just outside the Zone 2 border.

17. "Community feel" – People will shout at you at the bus stop.

18. "Urban" – Lots of graffiti for you to Instagram.

19. "Well presented" – This flat has all four walls AND a roof.

20. "Near to local amenities" – There is a Nisa 20 minutes' walk away.

21. "Great transport links" – There is a bus stop right outside your house. The buses will keep you awake at night, forever.

22. "10 minutes from the tube station" – By bike, maybe.

23. "Close to great shopping" – There's a big Asda a bus ride away.

24. "Cafe culture" – There’s a Pret quite nearby.

25. "Near Shoreditch" – Essex.

26. "Suitable for a professional couple" – Obviously we’re saying this because nobody could afford this on their own.

27. "Exclusive opportunity" – The people who buy these properties will live there for one week of the year.

28. "Studio" – Good luck getting the smell of bacon and onions out of your duvet.

29. "Young professionals" – Actual adults still living together like students because the housing market is so fucked.

30. "Basement flat" – Constant damp.

31. "Lots of character" – This property was once an appalling slum and/or brothel.

32. "Warehouse conversion" – This building was never meant for human occupation.

33. "Homely" – One of the previous tenants put up some fairy lights.

34. "Large living room" – There is a living room.

35. "Furnished" – We bought everything from the cheapest Ikea range.

36. "Luxuriously furnished" – We bought everything from the second-cheapest Ikea range.


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