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Updated on Jul 11, 2020. Posted on Jan 8, 2016

31 Utterly Useless Things British Kids Learned At Primary School

*Practices drawing "the S" forever*

1. How to get out of a parachute before you are trapped for the rest of your life.

Monkeybusinessimages / Getty Images / Via thinkstockphotos.co.uk

2. How to run with a beanbag on your head.

SportsWarehouse / Via sportswarehouse.co.uk

3. And then how to sprint the length of a field whilst tied to your mate.

Erproductions Ltd / Getty Images

4. How to run while balancing a hard-boiled egg on a spoon.

Alethe / Via en.wikipedia.org

This so rarely comes up in adult life.

5. And how to get from one side of a field to another inside an old potato sack.

Anthea Sieveking/Wellcome Images / Via Flickr: dullhunk

6. How to tell your future.

Feng Yu / Getty Images / Via thinkstockphotos.co.uk

7. And the number of future boyfriends you were going to have based on how many pretend flowers you picked from a "garden."

Sophie Gadd/BuzzFeed

8. How to make triangle shapes in cat’s cradle.

Steven Depolo / Via Flickr: stevendepolo

There was always that one kid who could make the Eiffel Tower or something.

9. The bizarre clapping game: “I went to a Chinese restaurant to buy a loaf of bread bread bread.”

Mark Harrop / Via youtube.com

The lyrics usually went on to talk about Elvis Presley and having a baby and then dying. Good times.

10. All the dance moves to "Saturday Night."

BBC / Via youtube.com

11. How to freeze when a playground monitor walked around ringing a bell.

Ognianm / Getty Images / Via thinkstockphotos.co.uk

End of playtime :(

12. How to put on a firefighter's uniform really quickly.

Mark Richardson / Getty Images / Via thinkstockphotos.co.uk

There was always a contest when the local fire brigade came round to tell you and your fellow 7-year-olds not to smoke in bed.

13. How to play "London’s Burning" on the recorder.

Fuse / Getty Images / Via thinkstockphotos.co.uk

14. And then how to sing it in a round.

Milangonda / Getty Images / Via thinkstockphotos.co.uk

*screaming* FIRE FIRE, FIRE FIRE, POUR ON WATER, POUR ON WATER.

15. The "King of the Road" song.

Think! / Via youtube.com

But probably not the actual sentiment behind it.

16. What animals the different instruments represent in Peter and the Wolf.

Naxos / Via radenterprises.co.uk

"The clarinet represents the cat." —My brain, forever.

17. The entire plot of Through the Dragon's Eye.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FR3UBetNO3E
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FR3UBetNO3E

Scariest show in the entire world.

18. The "Magic E" song.

View this video on YouTube

youtube.com

Nothing funny to see here.

19. How to do joined-up writing.

Sotakeit / Via commons.wikimedia.org

You can get through adult life completely fine without this.

20. How to draw a picture of yourself based on a grid.

Sophie Gadd/BuzzFeed

Me.

21. How to make an absolute masterpiece on MS Paint.

Sophie Gadd/BuzzFeed

22. And how to make really over-animated Powerpoint presentations.

Microsoft/Actden / Via actden.com

Hello old friend.

23. "Divorced, beheaded, died, divorced, beheaded, survived."

Parliamentary Art Collection / Via commons.wikimedia.org

Alright. Probably useful for the odd pub quiz.

24. "Remember, remember the 5th of November, gunpowder, treason, and plot."

Crispijn van de Passe / Via en.wikipedia.org

Yeh but now what?

25. The life cycle of a frog.

Siyavula Education / Via Flickr: 121935927@N06

26. How to grow cress out of an egg.

Martin Poole / Getty Images / Via thinkstockphotos.co.uk

27. The tongue or taste map.

MesserWoland / Via en.wikipedia.org

It's pretty much BS.

28. This specific layout.

Sophie Gadd/BuzzFeed

God forbid you forgot your ruler one day.

29. How to make “title pages.”

Sophie Gadd/BuzzFeed

AKA This is the opportunity for you to get the new pens out and for your teacher to slack off.

30. Bubble writing.

my-how-to-draw.com / Via youtube.com

Bonus points if you did it all in different-colour gel pens.

31. How to draw “the S.”

Sophie Gadd/BuzzFeed

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