Skip To Content
  • Fail badge
  • lol badge
Updated on Jul 11, 2020. Posted on Jan 8, 2016

31 Utterly Useless Things British Kids Learned At Primary School

*Practices drawing "the S" forever*

1. How to get out of a parachute before you are trapped for the rest of your life.

Monkeybusinessimages / Getty Images / Via

2. How to run with a beanbag on your head.

SportsWarehouse / Via

3. And then how to sprint the length of a field whilst tied to your mate.

Erproductions Ltd / Getty Images

4. How to run while balancing a hard-boiled egg on a spoon.

Alethe / Via

This so rarely comes up in adult life.

5. And how to get from one side of a field to another inside an old potato sack.

Anthea Sieveking/Wellcome Images / Via Flickr: dullhunk

6. How to tell your future.

Feng Yu / Getty Images / Via

7. And the number of future boyfriends you were going to have based on how many pretend flowers you picked from a "garden."

Sophie Gadd/BuzzFeed

8. How to make triangle shapes in cat’s cradle.

Steven Depolo / Via Flickr: stevendepolo

There was always that one kid who could make the Eiffel Tower or something.

9. The bizarre clapping game: “I went to a Chinese restaurant to buy a loaf of bread bread bread.”

Mark Harrop / Via

The lyrics usually went on to talk about Elvis Presley and having a baby and then dying. Good times.

10. All the dance moves to "Saturday Night."

BBC / Via

11. How to freeze when a playground monitor walked around ringing a bell.

Ognianm / Getty Images / Via

End of playtime :(

12. How to put on a firefighter's uniform really quickly.

Mark Richardson / Getty Images / Via

There was always a contest when the local fire brigade came round to tell you and your fellow 7-year-olds not to smoke in bed.

13. How to play "London’s Burning" on the recorder.

Fuse / Getty Images / Via

14. And then how to sing it in a round.

Milangonda / Getty Images / Via


15. The "King of the Road" song.

Think! / Via

But probably not the actual sentiment behind it.

16. What animals the different instruments represent in Peter and the Wolf.

Naxos / Via

"The clarinet represents the cat." —My brain, forever.

17. The entire plot of Through the Dragon's Eye.

Scariest show in the entire world.

18. The "Magic E" song.

View this video on YouTube

Nothing funny to see here.

19. How to do joined-up writing.

Sotakeit / Via

You can get through adult life completely fine without this.

20. How to draw a picture of yourself based on a grid.

Sophie Gadd/BuzzFeed


21. How to make an absolute masterpiece on MS Paint.

Sophie Gadd/BuzzFeed

22. And how to make really over-animated Powerpoint presentations.

Microsoft/Actden / Via

Hello old friend.

23. "Divorced, beheaded, died, divorced, beheaded, survived."

Parliamentary Art Collection / Via

Alright. Probably useful for the odd pub quiz.

24. "Remember, remember the 5th of November, gunpowder, treason, and plot."

Crispijn van de Passe / Via

Yeh but now what?

25. The life cycle of a frog.

Siyavula Education / Via Flickr: 121935927@N06

26. How to grow cress out of an egg.

Martin Poole / Getty Images / Via

27. The tongue or taste map.

MesserWoland / Via

It's pretty much BS.

28. This specific layout.

Sophie Gadd/BuzzFeed

God forbid you forgot your ruler one day.

29. How to make “title pages.”

Sophie Gadd/BuzzFeed

AKA This is the opportunity for you to get the new pens out and for your teacher to slack off.

30. Bubble writing. / Via

Bonus points if you did it all in different-colour gel pens.

31. How to draw “the S.”

Sophie Gadd/BuzzFeed

BuzzFeed Daily

Keep up with the latest daily buzz with the BuzzFeed Daily newsletter!

Newsletter signup form