back to top

31 Utterly Useless Things British Kids Learned At Primary School

*practices drawing "the S" forever*

Posted on

1. How to get out of a parachute before you were trapped for the rest of your life.

Monkeybusinessimages / Getty Images / Via thinkstockphotos.co.uk

2. How to run with a beanbag on your head.

SportsWarehouse / Via sportswarehouse.co.uk

3. And then sprint the length of a field whilst tied to your mate.

Erproductions Ltd / Getty Images

4. How to run while balancing a hard boiled egg on a spoon.

This so rarely comes up in adult life.
Alethe / Via en.wikipedia.org

This so rarely comes up in adult life.

5. And how to get from one side of a field to another inside an old potato sack.

Anthea Sieveking/Wellcome Images / Via Flickr: dullhunk

6. How to tell your future.

Feng Yu / Getty Images / Via thinkstockphotos.co.uk

7. And the number of future boyfriends you were going to have based on how many pretend flowers you picked from a "garden".

Sophie Gadd/BuzzFeed

8. How to make triangle shapes in Cat’s Cradle.

There was always that one kid who could make the Eiffel Tower or something.
Steven Depolo / Via Flickr: stevendepolo

There was always that one kid who could make the Eiffel Tower or something.

9. The bizarre clapping game “I went to a Chinese restaurant to buy a loaf of bread bread bread”.

Mark Harrop / Via youtube.com

The lyrics usually went on to talk about Elvis Presley and having a baby and then dying. Good times.

10. All the dance moves to "Saturday Night".

BBC / Via youtube.com

11. How to freeze when a playground monitor walked around ringing a bell.

End of playtime :(
Ognianm / Getty Images / Via thinkstockphotos.co.uk

End of playtime :(

12. How to put on a firefighter's uniform really quickly.

There was always a contest when the local fire brigade came round to tell you and your fellow seven-year-olds not to smoke in bed.
Mark Richardson / Getty Images / Via thinkstockphotos.co.uk

There was always a contest when the local fire brigade came round to tell you and your fellow seven-year-olds not to smoke in bed.

13. How to play "London’s Burning" on the recorder.

Fuse / Getty Images / Via thinkstockphotos.co.uk

14. And then how to sing it in a round.

*screaming* FIRE FIRE, FIRE FIRE, POUR ON WATER, POUR ON WATER.
Milangonda / Getty Images / Via thinkstockphotos.co.uk

*screaming* FIRE FIRE, FIRE FIRE, POUR ON WATER, POUR ON WATER.

15. The "King of the Road" song.

But probably not the actual sentiment behind it.
Think! / Via youtube.com

But probably not the actual sentiment behind it.

16. What animals the different instruments represent in Peter and the Wolf.

"The clarinet represents the cat"- my brain, forever.
Naxos / Via radenterprises.co.uk

"The clarinet represents the cat"- my brain, forever.

17. The entire plot of Through the Dragon's Eye.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FR3UBetNO3E
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FR3UBetNO3E

Scariest show in the entire world.

18. The "Magic Magic E" song.

View this video on YouTube

youtube.com

Nothing funny to see here.

19. How to do joined up writing.

You can get through adult life completely fine without this.
Sotakeit / Via commons.wikimedia.org

You can get through adult life completely fine without this.

20. How to draw a picture of yourself based on a grid.

Me.
Sophie Gadd/BuzzFeed

Me.

21. How to make an absolute masterpiece on MS paint.

Sophie Gadd/BuzzFeed

22. And how to make really over animated Powerpoint presentations.

Hello old friend.
Microsoft/Actden / Via actden.com

Hello old friend.

23. "Divorced, beheaded, died, divorced, beheaded, survived."

Alright probably useful for the odd pub quiz.
Parliamentary Art Collection / Via commons.wikimedia.org

Alright probably useful for the odd pub quiz.

24. "Remember, remember the 5th of November, gunpowder, treason, and plot."

Yeh but now what?
Crispijn van de Passe / Via en.wikipedia.org

Yeh but now what?

25. The lifecycle of a frog.

Siyavula Education / Via Flickr: 121935927@N06

26. How to grow cress out of an egg.

Martin Poole / Getty Images / Via thinkstockphotos.co.uk

27. The tongue taste map.

It's pretty much BS.
MesserWoland / Via en.wikipedia.org

It's pretty much BS.

28. This specific layout.

God forbid you forgot your ruler one day.
Sophie Gadd/BuzzFeed

God forbid you forgot your ruler one day.

29. How to make “title pages” .

AKA opportunity for you to get to new pens out and for your teacher to slack off.
Sophie Gadd/BuzzFeed

AKA opportunity for you to get to new pens out and for your teacher to slack off.

30. Bubble writing.

Bonus points if you did it all in different colour gel pens.
my-how-to-draw.com / Via youtube.com

Bonus points if you did it all in different colour gel pens.

31. How to draw “the S”.

Sophie Gadd/BuzzFeed