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55 Things That Slightly Infuriate Londoners

Fuck changing at Bank.

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1. When someone wheels a tiny wheely suitcase you could easily carry across a busy station concourse with no regard for the waves of carnage they are leaving in their wake.

2. Fools who stand on the left.

3. People who play shitty music out of their phone on the bus because they need everyone to know they're a colossal bellend.

4. Twats who bring cumbersome suitcases on the tube at rush hour.

5. Those who refuse to take off their gigantic backpack even though it has already bashed into several people.

6. Dickheads who eat McDonald's on the tube.

7. (Unless it's you: then it's fine.)

8. Cruel bastards who stand in the place you normally stand on the platform.

9. Those who attempt to engage in conversation with strangers in public.

10. People who shut the tube window because it's messing up their hair when everyone else is quite clearly melting.

11. Tourists who feed the pigeons in Trafalgar Square, so they no longer fear man and become cruel and sentient birds.

12. And people who feed the squirrels in the park.

13. Shit buskers who play the same three songs on loop outside your office window.

14. People who stand at the bar in a central London pub and only buy one drink, which is almost certainly a cocktail.

15. Having to drink ridiculously expensive beer at someones fancy pub birthday when there's a perfectly good Spoon's down the road.

16. Those who do not respect the Pret system of utter anarchy and try to queue in a straight line, even though this actually makes a lot more sense.

17. Thinking about going somewhere other than Pret for lunch and then ending up in Pret anyway.

18. Having to go inside the Angus Steakhouse for any reason ever.

19. Wanting to support your local independent coffee shop but not wanting to bankrupt yourself forever.

20. Being forced to eat off old wooden boards or Victorian tea trays in all wanky new restaurants.

21. When someone brings a really cute dog on the tube but you're slightly too far away to pet it.

22. People who carry golf umbrellas when it's raining and almost take everyone's eyes out.

23. Getting on the tube in bright sunshine and getting off six stops later to discover a Day After Tomorrow-type weather situation.

24. The sinking feeling of getting a Facebook party invitation and realising that getting there is going to involve more than one type of transport.

25. Being forced to change at Bank.

26. When CityMapper says the bus is in two minutes and then it doesn't appear at all.

27. Running for the bus and then getting closer and realising it isn't your bus so styling it out into a casual jog.

28. The ever-present smell of hot bins in summer.

29. When it's the summer and your friends want to stand on the pavement outside the pub when there are perfectly nice chairs inside.

30. Ridiculous leg spreading.

31. Having to be within 50ft of M&M's World.

32. And tourists who visit M&M's World which has NOTHING to do with London.

33. Getting trapped in a group of children on a school trip.

34. Being in a nice pub with seats when somebody suggests visiting a cool new pop-up where you have to stand up, and agreeing to go because you don't want to look like a dick.

35. Being woken up by sirens/street cleaners/rowdiness every fucking day.

36. Reading "Rush Hour Crush" and realising that yet again, you're not in it.

37. When someone tries to give you a copy of Time Out when you're already holding a copy and you still feel guilty for saying no.

38. Enthusiastic chuggers who ask for a minute of your time when it's clearly going to take longer than a minute.

39. Boris Johnson.

40. When you walk past a police horse and sort of want to stroke it but don't want to get arrested.

41. When the transport police are on the tube and you stand there trying to look normal but inadvertently look extremely suspicious instead.

42. Falling asleep on the tube after a big night and ending up in Morden.

43. Cyclists who flagrantly break the rules of the road.

44. (Except when you do it: Then it's mostly fine because it was a quiet road and there weren't any cars coming anyway.)

45. Having to ride an arse-destroying Boris bike because your own bike got stolen even though it was a piece of shit anyway.

46. Anyone who refers to them as Santander bikes.

47. Tube strikes.

48. (But then being secretly quite pleased that you got to work from home.)

49. Accidentally getting into a conversation about whether Uber is good or bad for the city with people who have different opinions to you.

50. When there are signal failures and you have to get the bus to work.

51. When you normally get the bus to work and there are signal failures, so awful tube people get on and ruin your lovely bus.

52. Walking up to the top deck of the bus to look for a seat and then realising it's full so having to do the walk of shame back downstairs.

53. Living in fear of accidentally shutting your bag in the tube gates.

54. Looking for a new flat and realising your choice is between living in Zone 6, Luton, or a cupboard under the stairs.

55. Having to live in London when you'd much rather live somewhere cheaper and nicer but not being able to leave because it's where your job is. Fuck.