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18 Slightly Crap Dates Every British Person Will Go On At Least Once

So many restaurants in carparks.

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1. Costa Coffee/Starbucks/Caffè Nero.

N Chadwick / Via

These are pretty much your only choices when it comes to a coffee date in most British high streets, unless you live somewhere with a cool indie coffee shop with exposed brickwork and mismatching chairs.

Your date will likely be soundtracked by weird acoustic covers of Nirvana and a group of mums with new babies who may cry throughout. At least you get loyalty card points.

2. Orange Wednesdays (RIP) at a vast and soulless Vue/Cineworld/Odeon cinema.

Hywel Williams / Via

One of those ones with about 20 screens. You will make a mental note to bring your own snacks next time after being charged £9 for popcorn and a drink.


4. The highstreet in general.

Stephen McKay / Via

You'll make plans to meet in town and not really specify what you're going to do so you'll end up walking up and down and going into HMV for no real reason.

5. Or on special occasions, a retail park.

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You will spend most of your time walking the considerable distance between the TK Maxx and shops on the other side of the gigantic carpark. For lunch you will be faced with disappointing carpark restaurants.

6. Frankie and Benny’s.

Mtaylor848 / Via

These places are only found in carparks. You will only go there while on a shopping date at the giant retail park, because there are no other options. It will not be good.

7. London (or your nearest big city).

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If you don't live there already, you will go up on the train on a Saturday and take cute photos of yourselves on bridges. The train tickets alone will be a fucking fortune, and you will wander around holding hands and go to larger versions of the shops you have in your home town.

8. Walking around a crap local park.

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This is a classic in the canon of rubbish teenage dates. You will decide to "go for a walk" as an excuse to get out of your parents house.


9. Followed by a picnic in the park when it’s a bit too cold.

alex lang / Via Flickr: langalex

You will decide a picnic might be a nice romantic date. But because this is Britain it will inevitably too cold and a dog will steal the cocktail sausages or something.

12. Pizza Express.

Ewan Munro / Via Flickr: 55935853@N00

Not bad food, but tends to be a bad date location because you'll be there with every other couple in the world doing the same thing with the same voucher ordering the same pizza.

13. Wagamama.

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As there's two of you you'll be seated on the end of a group of friends having dinner or on a really intimate table right next to another couple. You will be distracted listening to their conversation and will keep awkwardly bumping elbows. Because the food comes at different times you'll be sitting there like a lemon letting your Katsu Curry get cold while your date waits for their food.


14. Nando's.

David Woo / Via Flickr: mckln

Not an objectively bad place, and it holds a special place in the hearts of many a British person. But it's kind of a terrible date location because one of you will spend half the time in the queue to order.

15. The cheapish local pub that does food.

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Not the really fancy gastro pub, but the one that's like a worse version of a Spoon's and a Harvester. You'll go and eat disappointing burgers and wish you splashed the extra fiver on the nice place.

16. The Slug and Lettuce.

Ewan Munro / Via Flickr: 55935853@N00

Alright unless it's one of those ones that turns into a club on the stroke of nine in which case you'll be forced to bellow at each other over your 2-for-1 cocktails.

17. A really rowdy bar in your town.

Instagram: @kerry

It will look classy on the outside but be an absolute den of debauchery when you get inside. People will inexplicably be doing tequila shots at 6pm on a Tuesday. You will decide to leave after one drink.

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