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71 British Men’s Names, And What They Actually Mean

Based on careful observation of the species.

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Simon – Low pain threshold.

Dave – Draws penises on things.

David – Too snooty to be a Dave.

Jonathan – Takes piano lessons.

Pete – Owns electrical tape.

Peter – Collects dull things.

Luke – Narrows his eyes in photos.

Bob – Is aggressively friendly.

Andy – Talks about software.

Dan – Listens to reggae.

Ben – Cries.

Jack – Pops his collars.

Gav – Hits friends in the balls.

Stu – Finishes people's drinks.

Darren – Shares farts.

Marcus – Never smiles.

Tim – Wears flip-flops in the supermarket.

Josh – Gels hair upwards.

Jake – Keeps taking shirt off.

Rob – Is already drunk when you get there.

Declan – Wants you to see his penis.

Charlie – Maudlin when drunk.

Tom – Gay when drunk.

Alex – Takes post-workout selfies.

Tyler – Wears Ray-Bans indoors.

Graham – Talks about cricket.

Terry – Ought to have a moustache.

Seb – Has unpleasant girlfriend.

Mike – Rides a fixie.

Nick – Stands around with balls dangling out.

Mark – Corrects grammar.

Brian – Has a caravan.

Alan – Is boring about vinyl.

Ed – Is boring about wine.

Sam – Is boring about weed.

Tony – Talks to girls' chests.

Rory – Exercises in a headband.

Gareth – Plays World Of Warcraft.

Liam – Plays with his nuts.

Dom – Thinks he's so awesome.

Zac – Gives unwanted massages.

Nigel – Has sensible shoes.

Will – Has technical trainers.

Doug – Has a fleece.

Giles – Has a Rolex.

Jez – Has a tribal tattoo.

Shane – Has a pornographic tattoo.

Wayne – Has a racist tattoo.

Guy – Had a gap year.

Miles – Insists on going to Shake Shack.

Adam – Constantly quotes The Simpsons.

Steve – Plays air guitar at gigs.

Greg – Tells you how far he ran.

Rupert – Tells you what your house is worth.

Chris – Tweets about commute.

Neil – Instagrams about lunch.

Craig – Ostentatiously drinks two litres of water a day.

Gerard – Has coffee breath.

Toby – Is going to crowdsurf in a minute.

Henry – Carries baby in papoose.

Jim – Keeps forwarding spam.

Hugo – Speaks to waiters in French.

Scott – Drinks fruit tea.

Alfie – Wears thin scarf.

Gary – Fist pumps after business calls.

Justin – Wears a headset.

Rick – Stands too close at urinals.

Callum – Thumps chest when angry.

Olly – Enjoyed the Twilight films.

Brandon – Is competitive at frisbee.

Max – Is the one who's stealing from the fridge.

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