1.
last night we threw a party at our airbnb and the cops showed up & we told them Shawn Mendes was here and they deadass started taking pictures with some random ass kid that just wasn’t Shawn Mendes at all and that is the only reason why the party didn’t get shut down
2.
she was a punk he did ballet
3.
winona ryder is the girl in the nightclub bathroom at 2am who notices you standing in the mirror complaining about how bad you look.
4.
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this? Me: It be like that sometimes Therapist: No
5.
‘wHaT dO yOur TatTooS MeAn’ they mean im fucking cool ok
6.
i just felt that earthquake inside the bathroom of an asian restaurant and i thought i was gonna walk out with my consciousness inside jamie lee curtis.
7.
My dad: “you’ll look so much cooler if I make a huge splash behind you” Me: ... Dad: *can cracks open* Dad:
8.
My mom: why do you drink before events centered around drinking? Me: why do you clean before the cleaning lady gets here?
9.
two things I do not understand and cannot be bothered to research to try: bitcoin and tiktok
10.
This kid came dressed as an influencer apology video at #Vidcon2019 @pugloca
11.
If you ever wonder what having a brother is like....
12.
My cousin works @ Stanford hospital. She said some dude got fired bc he left a dead body unattended. Bruh didn’t wanna go in the elevator w the dead body. So he put the body in the elevator & ran down the stairs HAHAHA
13.
Just witnessed a man drop about half a cheese string on the floor on the way into the building where I work and say to himself, in the smallest and saddest of voices, “Oh no, me cheese.”
14.
My broke ass be having the nerve to tell people “Well I’m here if you need anything” 😂😂
15.
Fair enough
16.
Who the fuck wrote this book about me