Hey there. My name is Sheridan. I'm a 24-year-old woman who likes to watch so-bad-it's-good movies for the health of my soul. Recently, I decided to rewatch all of the Twilight movies. Why, you ask? Because I'm a masochist! Also, I was bored AF and wanted to relive my youth.
But as I was rewatching the movies, I noticed one thing my 15-year-old never-had-a-boyfriend self missed: Edward Cullen and Jacob Black, the two boys who divided the world into #TeamEdward and #TeamJacob, #TeamVampires and #TeamWerewolves, fucking suck.
Let's start with Edward first. He's presumably Prince Charming. But here's the thing: If Edward wasn't hot (yes, I think Edward is attractive in a tuberculosis-chic kind of way, don't @ me), he wouldn't be able to do 5% of the shit he does without a call to the police.
For example, when Edward and Bella are in a weird will-they-or-won't-they situation (spoiler alert: They will), he literally stalks her and it's somehow "romantic" and not creepy.
After Bella cuts herself and Jasper tries to kill her (#NormalBirthdayParty), Edward decides to break up with her for her own safety. As obsessed as these two are with each other, he thinks Bella will be able to function without him?
This brings us to Jacob. Fucking Jacob.
Jacob knows that Bella is recovering from the love of her life/future guy on Snapped leaving her, and is her shoulder to cry on, her very best friend.
And when Bella decides to go to Italy to save Edward from provoking the ancient vampire ruling class known as the Volturi into killing him (wow, I can't believe I just wrote that fucking sentence), Jacob is like, "Nah, don't go, Bells."
So now Edward keeps asking (more like forcing) Bella to marry him by withholding his magic vampire bite, and Jacob is doing everything in his power to convince her to stay human and un-vampire-y since he wants to date her.
Can Edward and Jacob put their differences aside for even a second? HAHAHA, NOPE. Jacob tries to kiss Bella and she breaks her hand punching him while Edward gets so jealous, he doesn't want Jacob to keep Bella warm during a blizzard.
ARE. YOU. STILL. WITH. ME? Good! The vampires/werewolves end up winning and this would be the perfect time to end a series. But that would be too easy! Let's make two more movies! And Bella and Edward will get married in one of them!
A few weeks later (because vampire pregnancies, lol), Renesmee* is born. But during the birth, Bella seems like she's about to die and Edward tries to turn her. Everyone thinks it was too late, so Jacob wants to MURDER a BABY.
Before he can, however, Jacob imprints on Renesmee. Which means he is now hopelessly devoted and in love with a fucking baby. It is very gross and not romantic at all.
Bella, baby girl. WTF are you doing? BILLIONS of people in this world and you are in a love triangle with Edward, the CEO of Stalkers 'R' Us who would talk about how your blood gives him a nose orgasm, and Jacob, a guy who will one day fuck your daughter even though he was once madly in love with you?
