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So The "Twilight" Dudes Are Literally The Fucking Worst

Edward or Jacob? How about fuck both of them.

Hey there. My name is Sheridan. I'm a 24-year-old woman who likes to watch so-bad-it's-good movies for the health of my soul. Recently, I decided to rewatch all of the Twilight movies. Why, you ask? Because I'm a masochist! Also, I was bored AF and wanted to relive my youth.

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You see, I was a HUGE Twilight fangirl: I read all of the books in one weekend and would see each movie at the midnight opening.

But as I was rewatching the movies, I noticed one thing my 15-year-old never-had-a-boyfriend self missed: Edward Cullen and Jacob Black, the two boys who divided the world into #TeamEdward and #TeamJacob, #TeamVampires and #TeamWerewolves, fucking suck.

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Let's start with Edward first. He's presumably Prince Charming. But here's the thing: If Edward wasn't hot (yes, I think Edward is attractive in a tuberculosis-chic kind of way, don't @ me), he wouldn't be able to do 5% of the shit he does without a call to the police.

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Which, in the series, is Bella's dad Charlie so there's some irony for ya.

For example, when Edward and Bella are in a weird will-they-or-won't-they situation (spoiler alert: They will), he literally stalks her and it's somehow "romantic" and not creepy.

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"But he ends up saving Bella from a group of bad boys!" you say. Sure. But he was also stalking her for who knows how long! He also loves to watch Bella sleep because, as a vampire, he never sleeps. It's "peaceful."

After Bella cuts herself and Jasper tries to kill her (#NormalBirthdayParty), Edward decides to break up with her for her own safety. As obsessed as these two are with each other, he thinks Bella will be able to function without him?

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This brings us to Jacob. Fucking Jacob.

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Jacob knows that Bella is recovering from the love of her life/future guy on Snapped leaving her, and is her shoulder to cry on, her very best friend.

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Is that enough for Jacob? Of course not! He's IN LOVE with her, goddamnit, and even though she does not feel the same way, he's going to convince her.

And when Bella decides to go to Italy to save Edward from provoking the ancient vampire ruling class known as the Volturi into killing him (wow, I can't believe I just wrote that fucking sentence), Jacob is like, "Nah, don't go, Bells."

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EVEN THOUGH EDWARD MIGHT DIE? Like, I get you don't like the dude โ€” no one over the age of 13 does โ€” but you're gonna let him get KILLED? It's all good though: Bella manages to save Edward, but as you know, the Cullens have to promise that Bella will become a vampire in order to be let go. And while Bella wants to become a vampire reaaaaal bad, Edward has one simple condition: They gotta get hitched.

So now Edward keeps asking (more like forcing) Bella to marry him by withholding his magic vampire bite, and Jacob is doing everything in his power to convince her to stay human and un-vampire-y since he wants to date her.

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This is all happening while Victoria, the mate of James, is organizing a newborn army to come kill Bella. Because of this, Jacob/the werewolves and Edward/the vampires decide to work together to save Bella. I'm not saying they should have just all let her be killed but that's exactly what I'm saying.

Can Edward and Jacob put their differences aside for even a second? HAHAHA, NOPE. Jacob tries to kiss Bella and she breaks her hand punching him while Edward gets so jealous, he doesn't want Jacob to keep Bella warm during a blizzard.

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Edward, I'm sorry you can't warm Bella up with your frigid vamp body, but let the girl have a lil' spooning action so she doesn't DIE.

ARE. YOU. STILL. WITH. ME? Good! The vampires/werewolves end up winning and this would be the perfect time to end a series. But that would be too easy! Let's make two more movies! And Bella and Edward will get married in one of them!

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Congrats, you can finally get on the Bonetown Express, which ends up in Bella getting pregnant. Tbh, who knew you needed to use protection when one of the people doesn't have a heartbeat.

A few weeks later (because vampire pregnancies, lol), Renesmee* is born. But during the birth, Bella seems like she's about to die and Edward tries to turn her. Everyone thinks it was too late, so Jacob wants to MURDER a BABY.

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*Don't even get me started on that fucking name.

Before he can, however, Jacob imprints on Renesmee. Which means he is now hopelessly devoted and in love with a fucking baby. It is very gross and not romantic at all.

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So if you flash forward 10 years into the future, Renesmee will be with the man who was once obsessed with her mother, and Bella and Edward will be un-aged and I will hopefully be dead so I can stop stressing out about this. Like, who the fuck cares about the Volturi coming to kill the clan when there is a werewolf waiting for a baby to grow up?!?!?!

Bella, baby girl. WTF are you doing? BILLIONS of people in this world and you are in a love triangle with Edward, the CEO of Stalkers 'R' Us who would talk about how your blood gives him a nose orgasm, and Jacob, a guy who will one day fuck your daughter even though he was once madly in love with you?

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YOUR CGI BABY IS JUDGING YOU.

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Aren't we all?

  1. Who was the fucking worst dude in the Twilight series?

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Who was the fucking worst dude in the Twilight series?
  1.  
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    Edward.
  2.  
    vote votes
    Jacob.
  3.  
    vote votes
    Someone else who I'll say in the comments.
  4.  
    vote votes
    Sheridan...are you OK?

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