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A Definitive Ranking Of The Kardashian Family's Khristmas Kards

Merry Khristmas and a bronzer-filled new year.

13. Jurassic Park

Kommentary: Stylistically, this is just a hot mess. But at least they all look happy in this ~candid~.

Kash Winner: Brody, because that smile either says he's really constipated or really happy that he gets to take a photo with a dinosaur dressed as Santa.

Apparently, this dinosaur is actually a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle. In our defense, it does kind of look like Reptar.

12. Darkness Falls

Kommentary: Is this a Christmas card or an ad for Gossip Girl? Either way they look seriously diva-esque. Check out Kendall's face, though — it was like she was born to show that fierce mug on the runway.

Kash Winner: Casey, Bruce's daughter from his first marriage. Seriously, she looks like a '90s supermodel.

Sorry, we were so blinded by all that beautiful junk in Khloé's trunk that we incorrectly identified Bruce's daughter as Leah instead of Casey.

11. The Motorcycle Diaries

Kommentary: A study in contrasts — Kris, Khloé, and the Jenner half smile while Kim, Kourtney, and Rob look like they want to smother the photographer with one of their ill-fitting motorcycle jackets.

Kash Winner: Bruce, who hasn't looked this happy since this photo was taken.

10. Miracle on 34th Street

Kommentary: Wait, everyone is pretty much accounted for — so who the fuck is Santa? Did they get a random person to pose as Santa? This is just frightening.

Kash Winner: Rob, obviously. LOOK AT THOSE CHEEKS.

9. Red Dawn

Kommentary: Why is there a ladder? Are they literally climbing the social ladder?

Kash Winner: Kourtney, because everything about that dress is fantastik.

8. The Big Wedding

Kommentary: They didn't even have to schedule a new shoot that year! Khloé and Lamy's wedding proved the perfect backdrop (RIP Khloé & Lamar). But, like, why is Ryan Seacrest there? Oh right, they owe him their souls.

Kash Winner: Really? Ryan, duh. HE CREATED THEM.

7. Gosford Park

Kommentary: "Let's just kasually gather in the foyer in kolor-koordinated kouture gowns."

Kash Winner: Kendall, who looks the most comfortable since she gets to sit down.

6. Bonfire of the Vanities

Kommentary: So where is the Kristmas part?

Kash Winner: Mason, because his pose is EVERYTHING.

5. The Ring

Kommentary: Really, everything about this is great — Kim's innocence, Kourtney's confusion, Rob Jr.'s excitement. Rob Sr. seems super happy and Kris has never looked better.

Kash Winner: Khloé, for nailing that whole horror-film-child-ghost look.

4. The Godfather

Kommentary: This. All of their Khristmas Kards should look like THIS.

Kash Winner: Pretty much everyone, because this is adorable and appropriate and everyone is SMILING LIKE HOW YOU DO IN A FUCKING CHRISTMAS PHOTO. Oh wait, not Khloé, or should I say, "Kholé."

3. The Three Musketeers

Kommentary: "And over here on the right, we see a rare sighting, the Kardashian sisters touching each other without worrying about their makeup (that took three hours to apply) being rubbed off on one anther's $2,000 Givenchy shirts."

Kash Winner: Dare I say it...Kim. She just looks so darn cute.

2. White Christmas

Kommentary: "OK everyone, look at the camera, open your mouths, smile, and YOU'RE HAVING FUN. No, Scott, act like you actually enjoy being around these people."

Kash Winner: Penelope, because she's just as confused as we are.

1. Blade Runner

David LaChapelle / Via

Kommentary: Honestly, WTF is this? Is Mason supposed to be DRUNK?

Kash Winner: No one. And everyone. It's almost so ridiculous that it's incredible.

OK... Merry Christmas?

David LaChapelle / Via

Does this mean, "Happy New Year?"

David LaChapelle / Via

I guess "peace and blessings" to all, right?

David LaChapelle / Via

He knows something. HE KNOWS.

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