A Definitive Ranking Of The Kardashian Family's Khristmas Kards

Merry Khristmas and a bronzer-filled new year.

13. Jurassic Park

kimkardashian.com

Kommentary: Stylistically, this is just a hot mess. But at least they all look happy in this ~candid~.

Kash Winner: Brody, because that smile either says he's really constipated or really happy that he gets to take a photo with a dinosaur dressed as Santa.

Dec. 16, 2014, at 06:44 AM

Apparently, this dinosaur is actually a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle. In our defense, it does kind of look like Reptar.

12. Darkness Falls

kimkardashian.com

Kommentary: Is this a Christmas card or an ad for Gossip Girl? Either way they look seriously diva-esque. Check out Kendall's face, though — it was like she was born to show that fierce mug on the runway.

Kash Winner: Casey, Bruce's daughter from his first marriage. Seriously, she looks like a '90s supermodel.

Dec. 16, 2014, at 05:18 AM

Sorry, we were so blinded by all that beautiful junk in Khloé's trunk that we incorrectly identified Bruce's daughter as Leah instead of Casey.

11. The Motorcycle Diaries

kimkardashian.com

Kommentary: A study in contrasts — Kris, Khloé, and the Jenner half smile while Kim, Kourtney, and Rob look like they want to smother the photographer with one of their ill-fitting motorcycle jackets.

Kash Winner: Bruce, who hasn't looked this happy since this photo was taken.

10. Miracle on 34th Street

kimkardashian.com

Kommentary: Wait, everyone is pretty much accounted for — so who the fuck is Santa? Did they get a random person to pose as Santa? This is just frightening.

Kash Winner: Rob, obviously. LOOK AT THOSE CHEEKS.

9. Red Dawn

kimkardashian.com

Kommentary: Why is there a ladder? Are they literally climbing the social ladder?

Kash Winner: Kourtney, because everything about that dress is fantastik.

8. The Big Wedding

kimkardashian.com

Kommentary: They didn't even have to schedule a new shoot that year! Khloé and Lamy's wedding proved the perfect backdrop (RIP Khloé & Lamar). But, like, why is Ryan Seacrest there? Oh right, they owe him their souls.

Kash Winner: Really? Ryan, duh. HE CREATED THEM.

7. Gosford Park

kimkardashian.com

Kommentary: "Let's just kasually gather in the foyer in kolor-koordinated kouture gowns."

Kash Winner: Kendall, who looks the most comfortable since she gets to sit down.

6. Bonfire of the Vanities

kimkardashian.com

Kommentary: So where is the Kristmas part?

Kash Winner: Mason, because his pose is EVERYTHING.

5. The Ring

kimkardashian.com

Kommentary: Really, everything about this is great — Kim's innocence, Kourtney's confusion, Rob Jr.'s excitement. Rob Sr. seems super happy and Kris has never looked better.

Kash Winner: Khloé, for nailing that whole horror-film-child-ghost look.

4. The Godfather

kimkardashian.com

Kommentary: This. All of their Khristmas Kards should look like THIS.

Kash Winner: Pretty much everyone, because this is adorable and appropriate and everyone is SMILING LIKE HOW YOU DO IN A FUCKING CHRISTMAS PHOTO. Oh wait, not Khloé, or should I say, "Kholé."

3. The Three Musketeers

kimkardashian.com

Kommentary: "And over here on the right, we see a rare sighting, the Kardashian sisters touching each other without worrying about their makeup (that took three hours to apply) being rubbed off on one anther's $2,000 Givenchy shirts."

Kash Winner: Dare I say it...Kim. She just looks so darn cute.

2. White Christmas

kimkardashian.com

Kommentary: "OK everyone, look at the camera, open your mouths, smile, and YOU'RE HAVING FUN. No, Scott, act like you actually enjoy being around these people."

Kash Winner: Penelope, because she's just as confused as we are.

1. Blade Runner

David LaChapelle / Via eonline.com

Kommentary: Honestly, WTF is this? Is Mason supposed to be DRUNK?

Kash Winner: No one. And everyone. It's almost so ridiculous that it's incredible.

OK... Merry Christmas?

David LaChapelle / Via eonline.com

Does this mean, "Happy New Year?"

David LaChapelle / Via eonline.com

I guess "peace and blessings" to all, right?

David LaChapelle / Via eonline.com

He knows something. HE KNOWS.