"Some of your lines need finishing properly.""You must tighten your bumcheeks, darling.""The only good thing about that for me was the end.""Your gate, my darling, is extremely wide.""A zimmerframe has, darling, more movement than I saw there.""The muscles for me were a slight distraction, I've got to admit.""All the Ls – lifeless, lacklustre, laboured.""Posture is really appalling. That needs attention.""I thought your arm placement was decidedly dodgy."
Iveta LukosiuteJoanne CliftonTrent WhiddonPasha KovalevOla JordanAnton du BekeKristina RihanoffKevin CliftonKaren Hauer
Awe-inspiring American smoothPassionate pasodobleCharismatic cha cha chaVivacious Viennese waltzQuirky quickstepFoxy foxtrotLoud Lindy hopArty Argentine tangoSEXY SEXY salsa
"I wish I had my glasses with me.""It's behind you and it will eat us.""My hand is stuck in an air vent!""My coat zip is stuck at the top.""My kitchen table will be this big.""I wish I had my umbrella with me."¯\_(ツ)_/¯"These trousers barely fit me.""Where is the chain for this toilet?"
Absolutely. Sorry, Strictly. *hits remote with face*Yeah – but I won't tell anyone.Nah – but I'll probably tune in for the finals.YOU'VE GOT TO BE JOKING. ITV MY ARSE.
No – because I don't understand any of Doctor Who.No – because it hasn't been the same since Matt Smith.Yes – because both shows are exactly the same.Yes – because this show is sex and the BBC is my sexuality.CLAUDIA WINKLEMAN'S FRINGE. THAT IS ALL.
Which "Strictly Come Dancing" 2014 Contestant Are You?
WOW, you got Simon Webbe. To celebrate, here are the lyrics from "All Rise", just for you: "One for the money and the free rides. It's two for the lie that you denied. All rise. All rise. Three for the calls that you've been making. It's four all the times you've been faking. All rise. All rise."
SHOULDN'T YOU BE PRESENTING THE BIT AFTER THE FOUR-HOUR SATURDAY X FACTOR? Don't worry Caroline, the BBC loves you. And you're doing really well in the competition, so boast about that.
WOW, you got Pixie Lott! You're already doing so well that Bruno Tonioli shouted last week: "WEEK TWO. That is pure artistry." You have the potential to go all the way. WOO WOO.
ALRIGHT TREACLE (fills mouth full of water because of some inevitable *innuendo bingo*). Congratulations for getting Scott. He might not win but he loves you. LOVE YOU. BYE.
YOU GOT STEVE. The one who is really hard around animals that might kill us all. He's the enthusiastic one, the cheeky one, the one you have to appease otherwise he WILL COME ROUND YOUR HOUSE WITH A TIGER AND UNLEASH IT.
WOW, you got Frankie. And as a special treat here's the lyrics to the chorus of The Saturdays' song "Up"... "I'm ready for the lift up, keep steady beat. Cos I'm ready for the big jump, keep up with me. If you lose me then you know, you're just a bit too slow. I only go UP, UP."
WOW, you got Judy Murray. Andy Murray's mother! The person you always see during the BBC's Wimbledon coverage with a serious "C'mon Andy" facial expression! Game, set, and match. Strawberries and cream. ETC ETC.
Yes, that's right, you got Mark from TOWIE! The one that you most recognise from TOWIE! Don't be cynical – he seems to be doing really well at the moment. You have the potential to go really far here. DON'T MOCK TOWIE FOR ONCE, FOR GOD'S SAKE.
YOU GOT THE HOT MODEL GUY. But you're also an impressively good dancer too. Here's what Bruno Tonioli has to say about you: "Thom, there is no denying that you are easy on the eye, but you nearly blew the thermostat this evening, my darling!"