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7 Hilarious Quotes From "My Dad Wrote A Porno", Illustrated

To celebrate, we decided to illustrate some of the most memorable quotes from Belinda Blinked, the book at the centre of the first season, and got the presenters' reactions. (NSFW, obviously.)

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Fans of My Dad Wrote a Porno, a podcast in which a guy reads aloud an erotic novel written by his dad to his friends, will be pleased to know there's a sequel.

In case you are unfamiliar with My Dad Wrote a Porno, let me explain. The presenter of the podcast, Jamie Morton, has a dad who, in his sixties, wrote a novel, Belinda Blinked, under the alias of Rocky Flintstone.

"I thought it was a great way for him to spend his retirement – he never told me what the novel was," Morton told BuzzFeed UK. "He emailed it across. I started reading and discovered it was porn, or erotica, to be fair to him. … As I read I realised how bad it was, like the worst literature ever put on paper."

The first series of the show involves Morton (below centre) reading the book to his friends James Cooper (left) and Alice Levine.

Laura Gallant / BuzzFeed

"I was so sick of reading it," Morton says. "To stop me reading porn every day of my life, why not record it and say 'my dad has written porn, listen to the podcast'?"

One of the things that works best about the show is that the presenters lightly take the piss out of Rocky's work but it's all in good taste. "The whole thing is written in such naivety," Mortan says, "and he obviously knows nothing about erotica – or probably even sex, I dunno – that we thought we couldn't be too horrible to it."

To celebrate the second series, in which Morton reads from the sequel, we illustrated passages from the first book and got the three presenters to talk us about them.

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1. "Giselle’s hands soon made light work of Belinda’s thong. The two girls started to excite each other and soon their respective vaginas were wet and steaming."

Sian Butcher / BuzzFeed

James Cooper: “Respective vaginas.”

Alice Levine: Steaming, that suggests condensation on a restaurant window.

JC: You can steam a vagina – I’ve heard Gwyneth Paltrow has steamed her vagina.

Jamie Morton: What does that do?

JC: Cleans it out. But your vagina doesn’t steam. I think he’s got confused somewhere along the line.

AL: But it’s a steamy moment, so sometimes he attributes the wrong thing. Sometimes he gets confused between what is the person and what is the moment. He gets his words a bit muddled.

2. "Her tits hung freely, like pomegranates."

Sian Butcher / BuzzFeed

Jamie: This is when the podcast came into its own.

James: Everyone says to us "pomegranates". Everyone. That’s the line.

BuzzFeed UK: So that’s the quote that has been following you.

James: I didn’t even know what a pomegranate looked like before the podcast.

Alice: I think as well it’s the idea that anyone would want their breasts to be described as "hanging". Like, I think most girls would want to think they're, like, pert, or standing up of their own accord, but hanging gives the idea they're at belly button level.

3. "'Absolutely,' Peter replied, 'In fact, this afternoon we’ve just ordered 3000 units of your Oxy Brillo range to get you started, and my purchasing team are looking at other products of yours which will fit into our present range of kitchen utensils.' 'Wow!' Belinda gasped and opened her legs slightly."

Sian Butcher / BuzzFeed

JM: So the success in business turns Belinda on. The fact that she's got a sale, she opens her legs. The two things are the same to her.

JC: And also, she's not fussy. She's got a purpose here. She's trying to make the sale.


AL:
She is always thinking about how she can do the deal. The sex bit is like, great, that's the bonus, but she's thinking how she can get the big order.

JC: She knows what she wants.


AL:
She's fucking boring.

JC: She only deals with the guys who have got upwards of 3,000 stores and things like that.

AL: On mainland Europe.

4. "Alfonse then said to Belinda, 'Would you visit me in my offices in Brussels and let me see your body again? Perhaps I could see more of it, and possibly in a less disgusting environment.'”

Sian Butcher / BuzzFeed

(Editor's note: This chapter is set in a maze where Belinda has a lot of sex.)

AL: Everyone I think was repulsed by the setting in the maze. It just got quagmiresque by the end.

JM: It just got ridiculous. She was slipping all over the place.

AL: We all got maze fatigue.

JM: I was relieved that we were out of that maze.

AL: God knows how she felt.

5. “The now devastated Belinda was immediately led to a hosepipe near the stables where the Duchess stripped her of her torn skirt and tennis shirt and hosed her down. She roughly fondled Belinda’s tits and ass in the washing process with a long handled brush and pushed her, still naked, into a horsebox."

Sian Butcher / BuzzFeed

AL: The first bit is like the one day every year that my dad rents a high-pressure hose to clean down the patio and I feel like the Duchess is giving an annual deep-clean of Belinda.

JC: First time she's been clean the whole book, because people are like, "When does Belinda shower?" We're like, "Did you remember? She got hosed down."

AL: In a weird horsebox scenario.

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6. “The conference room was upmarket. Tony liked to impress those customers who visited the offices and one of the best ways was decent meeting spaces.”

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JC: How boring. How unnecessary.

AL: Logistics are a big part of what Rocky does. He's concerned with, I would say, the book is 80% with business, 20% concerned with sex.

JM: The tags to find it [on Amazon] are erotica, lesbian, and business and leadership. But I also feel like, in a weird way, you need these long passages of dull description to really make the erotica sing. Because suddenly, out of nowhere, she's got her breasts out. It's the juxtaposition between inane boredom and sudden titillation.

AL: Introducing where the regional sales managers cover, like what their patch is. Who gives a shit. Even if I worked with them I wouldn't care.

7. “The signposts were true to their word and Belinda soon found her way to the Horse and Jockey.”

Scott Barbour / Getty Images

JM: Dad has obviously had a lot of problems with signposts in the past. Why wouldn't it start the first time? Why wouldn't the signposts be true to their word? They are signposts.

JC: One of my favourite other lines is, she's just got a brand new car, and he wrote, "The car started the first time." It's a brand new car!

8. “Peter, we just had good old fashioned sex… it was what we both wanted, and when you get what you want, you feel great!’

Sian Butcher / BuzzFeed

JM: That is the slogan of Belinda. That is her mantra to a tee.

AL: Scott, [i.e. BuzzFeed], you must live by that. When you get what you want, you feel great.

JM: "You feel great." Who could argue with that?

AL: I love that she has to explain that to him, 'cos that is a basic human assumption, like, when you get something that you want, you feel good. And the fact that she had to break that down for him, and he's like, "What a philosophy."

9. “Belinda bent over and pulled the plastic handcuffs over the Duchesses ankles. The Duchess stood up and stretched her cramped body. Her nipples hardened with her feeling and they were now as large as the three inch rivets which had held the hull of the fateful Titanic together.”

Sian Butcher / BuzzFeed

JM: He refers to them as "three inch rivets". We have had photographic evidence of the Titanic rivets and they are literally the size of a car.

AL: There's something so unsexy as well as bringing up a really massive disaster where loads of people died. Just don't talk about it.

So what about Belinda Blinked 2?

The first episode of the new series will debut Monday July 4th.

The format for the second series will be similar to the first. One chapter an episode. 17 chapters in all. Belinda Blinked 2 was written after the first book but before the podcast came about, so the written material won't be swayed by its growing audience.

While the show has been off the air, Belinda has even been the subject of fan fiction. "She [the writer] is as talented as Rocky," jokes James.

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