1. "Oh look. It's the ghost of Christmas yet to come. Who knows what hellish future lies ahead? Well actually I do, I've seen the rehearsals."
2. "Spain's is next, with a song called 'Bloody Mary'. That reminds me, I haven't touched a drop yet."
3. "It's been 29 years since the Netherlands won the Eurovision Song Contest. After this performance, make that 30."
4. "The song is called 'In the Disco'. 'In the Disco' it is. It is more of a night out in Stringfellows."
5. "This skit must have seemed like a tremendous idea at the time, but actually it's covering a commercial break for Finnish television. And if you don't mind me expressing an opinion, I'd prefer the commercials."
6. "Now this song is certainly on the experimental side. Four knitting brides of Frankenstein, and a loony with a clothes line."
7. "The Polish entry next. There are four girls pretending to play the violin, there's a huddled figure over a piano, and you haven't seen teeth like this since The Osmonds."
8. "That was France. Gosh, wasn't that awful?"
9. "Heavens above. And this is the favourite."
10. "Hold on. Be strong. Just cling to the wreckage. It will be over soon."
When 24 songs had been performed and there was only one to go.
11. "You can buy this?! These are for sale?!"
When the Greek hosts tried to flog Eurovision DVDs in 2006.
12. "I've seen this. This goes on for quite some time, so if you fancy making yourself a stiff drink, or putting the kettle on, or walking the dog, this is the time to do it."
At the start of the "interval" performance at the 2009 Eurovision in Belgrade.
13. "Points for neighbours, eh? That's a breakthrough."
After Latvia gave Sweden 8 points and then Russia 10.
14. "And Ukraine just wanted to be absolutely sure that the oil and the electricity rolls through."
After Ukraine gave Russia 12 points in 2008.
15. "I'm trying to remind myself of Serbia and Montenegro's song. What in hell's name was it? 109 points? I wouldn't have given them one."
16. "Is this supposed to be funny? No, of course not – it is the Eurovision Song Contest. What's the matter with me?"
During a skit in the green room in 2007.
17. "Can we please watch the commercials?"
In 2008 he summed up this part of the show with this comment: "Why are these green room moments such an unmitigated disaster?"
18. "Are you related to the director general of Swedish television?"
When Sweden was terrible at telling us what their votes were.