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We recently asked members of the BuzzFeed Community to tell us about their best and/or weirdest drunk purchases on Amazon. Here are their hilarious responses:
1. A cheeky bumper sticker for the most devoted lovers of #2.
"Road rage drivers don’t honk at me because they don’t want to encourage my hilariousness. I have at least two drivers a day taking a picture of it at red lights while cracking up. It also helped me get a promotion at work (the boss told me this herself) because the 'higher ups' loved it! 10/10 would drunk purchase again." —FallenAngelsRiz
Get it for $6.89.
2. A snuggly narwhal onesie for lounging, wearing on Halloween, walking around the city — the possibilities are endless.
3. A copy of Gordon Ramsay's perfectly titled autobiography, because everyone deserves a chance to tell their ~whole~ story.
"I was drunk watching MasterChef and my husband told me I almost cried while saying I thought that Gordon Ramsay must just be misunderstood." —shelleybaxterg
Get it for $13.01.
4. A massive parachute (aka a blast from past gym classes and playdates).
"No regrets." —katykaboom
Get it for $26.
5. A replica of Bellatrix Lestrange's wand for the dark wizards lurking inside of us.
"I'm not even a Harry Potter fan." —l48c36f03a
Get it for $52.97.
6. A Charles Darwin ornament to show your deep appreciation for his contributions to the study of evolution.
7. The most magnificent "Funny Cute Cat Dressed as Rambo With Gun Riding a Glowing Red Eyes Fire Breathing Unicorn Mouse Pad" you've ever laid eyes on.
"I got wine drunk, blacked out, and must have turned off all notifications for Amazon while shopping, because two days later the most amazing thing showed up at my house unexpectedly. It now sits proudly on my desk at work." —lornejangle
Get it for $7.99.
8. A comfy neck pillow shaped like a red chili pepper so you can travel in style.
"It’s arguably my best Amazon purchase ever." —heatherp40c82dcc2
Get it for $8.99. If you're not a fan of chilis, fret not — it also comes in eggplant and shrimp versions. 🍆 🍤
9. A snazzy bubble wrap calendar that'll have you ~bursting~ with excitement every morning.
"After a State of the Union drinking game, my roommate and I bought a bubble wrap wall calendar. Not at all disappointed when it showed up a week later — who doesn’t love getting to pop bubble wrap every day?!" —gingersnaps1092
Get it for $26.99.
10. A sea monkey kit for those who probably can't be trusted with keeping real pets alive.
"The little shrimp creatures started having babies and I had SO many sea monkeys. I grew to love and adore them. That was until my boyfriend spilled them all over the carpeted floor. We honestly got into a fight over my dead sea monkeys and I’m still mad about it. RIP my whiskey-inspired sea monkeys." —BreeJeffer
Get it for $10.50.
11. A cello to make your dreams of being a world-reowned classical musician come true (but make sure you get it in the right size).
12. A set of devilishly handsome Zac Efron cupcake toppers that capture his best hair days, tbh.
"After a great night of getting drunk at home with some friends, my roommate discovered that she had ordered edible stickers of Zac Efron’s face. A week later she baked them onto cupcakes." —hannahh4424f4c00
Get them for $3.25.
13. An entire Batman-themed bathroom set if you're really into the yellow and black decor theme.
"We now call our bathroom the bathcave." —alexw4ab1f2a9b
Get the set for $122.31.
14. A used Ouija board that was most definitely haunted thanks to its previous owners.
"Weeks later, when my apartment lights started flickering, I stared at it in horror and swore off getting drunk on $4 wine." —ennathinks
Get one (that hasn't been previously used) for $22.94.
15. An Amazon Prime membership followed up by some very redeeming horse head masks.
"I woke up in horror the next morning when I saw my bank account, but it turned out to be one of the smartest purchases I've made. I used that Prime membership to drunkenly buy horse head masks so my friends and I could have some immature fun." —Lee Werner, Facebook
16. A kiddie pool and some good ol' sand that will save you a bunch of time and gas you would've wasted going to an actual beach.
"To make a beach in my backyard, because I couldn’t drive there." —amandal4d25e72aa
17. A "wine rack" for your boobs because bras that don't contain hidden alcohol padding are B-list bras.
"It’s a sports bra that holds an entire bottle of wine that you can drink from with this long straw like a CamelBak." —katiev42503191e
Get it for $29.99.
18. A T. rex head to mount on your wall and instill deep fear in all of your visitors (but probably mostly yourself).
Submitted by stephaniepatriciak
Get it for $49.98.
19. A fun-sized pocket breathalyzer to satiate your curious self during ~future~ alcohol consumption.
"I wanted to see how drunk I was. Except I was a little too drunk to remember that Amazon takes a few days to deliver. I thought that it'd be at my apartment within the hour and I even kept checking my phone to see if it had been delivered yet." —Dustin Ginsberg, Facebook
Get one for $27. Or if you're really committed, get a more expensive but highly rated one for $100.
20. The complete series of The Flintstones, because you deserve quality cartoons at all times of the day.
21. A copy of The Communist Manifesto that covers all of your no-fail conversation starters.
22. A colorful AF Hawaiian shirt for your precious, unsuspecting feline or pup.
Submitted by deannew468724928
Get it for $10.99.
23. Train horns that your significant other definitely won't judge you for.
"My boyfriend decided to become a redneck and buy a train horn for his truck. He installed them and throughout the day they drained his battery. He got stranded at work." —ajg4c8e6e610
Get a set of three for $34.95.
24. A sex positions coloring book for when the usual flowers and stuff gets a little ~boring~.
Submitted by rebeccal4b5a1258d
Get it for $8.99.
25. A life-size alien cardboard cutout that kind of looks like E.T. if you squint really hard.
Submitted by calistas4e06e2327
I couldn't find an actual E.T. cutout on Amazon. SUE ME. But you can get a generic alien instead for $39.99.
26. Enough dog poo bags to last you a lifetime (or less than that).
"Useful? Yes. But WTF, drunk self." —hollyj4e51f24fd
Get 900 bags for $14.97. For a little more $$, these are a good eco-friendly option.
27. A chubby garden gnome sleeping on a hammock, which no lawn or office desk is complete without.
"My little sister had it shipped to our family home, so my parents were very confused when a mini gnome appeared on their doorstep a few days later. My mom sent a picture of it in our family group message asking where it came from, thinking my great aunt from Florida, who is a frequent HSN shopper, might have had sent it as a gift. It wasn't until then that my sister even remembered ordering it. As weird as it is, we still set him out during the holidays as a decoration." —Olivia Brand, Facebook
Get it for $22.
28. A soy candle–making kit, which is probably best to play around with when sober, because hot wax and all.
"My first ever time getting drunk, I was feeling crafty and bought $60 worth of candle-making supplies. I didn't have a job and instead used the 'emergency savings' that my parents gave me. That was really fun to explain." —Cayla Walton, Facebook
You could buy supplies separately...or just get this kit for $39.
29. Shel Silverstein books to fill the gaping holes in someone's childhood left by the lack of these classics.
"I was wasted at the bar reminiscing about my childhood and my boyfriend said he had never read them, so I ordered them right then and there and proceeded to cry about how much he had missed out on as a child." —marci ziemba
Get Where the Sidewalk Ends for $11.29, The Giving Tree for $10.39, Falling Up for $11.49, and A Light in the Attic for $12.59.
30. A tiny brush that will spruce up your dirty butt in no time.
"I sent them to a few of my friends because I thought it was the most hilarious product ever. By the time they got them, I had forgotten I even sent them." —bridgetten465adb552
Get it for $16.56.
31. A snake bite kit because...you never know.
32. Eight jars of rainbow chip frosting, because your cakes deserve the very best slathers of colorful sugar.
33. A talking bathroom scale that is very eager to inform you how many pounds you've put on.
"It announces your weight VERY loudly. Also, every time you bump into it in the closet it says, 'Hello, are YOU ready?' Drunk me didn’t read the fine print, clearly." —missmarthaanne
Get it for $40.89.
34. A pound's worth of Pez candy and a baby wipes Dash button, so you can be relive your childhood and be really clean?
"I don’t have a baby…" —chloew4c8ba5c02
Get the Pez for $9.95 and Dash button for $4.99 (but you also get a $4.99 credit).
35. A cute stuffed zebra for your pup to inevitably destroy (out of love).
"I had just thrown away my dog's favorite zebra chew toy cause she had officially destroyed it, so she sat by the garbage can and whined all night. I felt racked with guilt and drowned it in red wine. A few days later a box of 8 stuffed zebras arrived!" —kristenelisen
Get it for $14.39.
36. A winning combination of gummy worms, a French cookbook, a giant unicorn pool float, and purple hair dye.
And last but not least...
"Every time I buy off Amazon I'm drunk." —l4bbb4efe7
#goals #winningatlife
The comments for this post have been edited for length and clarity.
