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The Most Hilarious Conspiracy Theory Straight Out Of Texas

Summer military exercises taking place in Texas have become a conspiracy theorist's wet dream.

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The Pentagon just prescribed a chillaxative to pretty much all of Texas. Why? There's been a lot of conspiracy theories that Jade Helm might really be a military takeover of Texas.

Pat Sullivan / AP

Uh, excuse me, excuse me? WTF is Jade Helm? And why would anyone takeover Texas?

Andrew Harnik / AP

Great questions. Especially the second. But let's start with Jade Helm. When we hear that, we think this: a hot, red-headed superhero fighting against the scourge of unrecycled trash.

David Grigg / Getty Images

Unfortunately for us :( that's not the case. Jade Helm 15 refers to planned military exercises that will take place this summer across 7 states, including Texas.

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For the training, U.S. Special Ops will move covertly through the public in military aircraft.

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Training operations of this type are done on the reg, but Jade Helm 15 is unusual because of its large size. Which leads us to...

Why is the military in Texas? The state is historically supportive of the military exercises to help fight foreign enemies.

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OR is it that the military is preparing for martial law so that the federal government can takeover and STEAL ALL THE TEXMEX??!??

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Nobody messes with Texas's texmex. Governor Greg Abbott ordered the Texas State Guard to "monitor" the Jade Helm 15 exercises in order "to address concerns of Texas citizens."

Eric Gay / AP

I've ordered the Texas State Guard to monitor Jade Helm 15 to safeguard Texans' constitutional rights, private property & civil liberties

You know what citizen has some concerns? Someone who isn't very happy with the federal government?



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Chuck Norris, who just re-endorsed Mike Huckabee for president, wrote, "The U.S. government says, 'It’s just a training exercise.' But I’m not sure the term 'just' has any reference to reality when the government uses it."

Saul Loeb / Getty Images

This map of military training exercises, published by the Washington Post, stoked conspiracy concerns when people misinterpreted the "hostile" portion of the map as referring to actual Texas citizens (not imagined foreign hostility for training purposes).

Washington Post / Via

Chuck Norris doesn't appreciate being called "hostile."

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That map isn't the "only" evidence martial law conspiracy theorists have discovered. Many believe their beloved Walmart is also involved in these dastardly government plans.

@NeonNettle #JadeHelm15 walmart closures. Also note they are the hostile zones for jade helm

Six Walmarts closed due to plumbing issues in states involved in #JadeHelm15. Will those empty Walmarts become food distribution centers for invading Chinese/Russian/Unicorn armies?

Chris Stewart / AP

Amount of #Secrecy & #Disinfo regarding #JadeHelm15 & #Walmart is beginning to distress the Public; it's time for Truth, not Lies. #NoNWO

I kept asking a Walmart manager about the tunnels and he said I needed to leave the store. Obviously we live in a Police State #JadeHelm15

Well if everyone is jumping on the conspiracy bandwagon, why not presidential hopeful and U.S. Senator Ted Cruz?

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Hmmm. Doesn't seem like Ted's buying it, but he understands if you do. And why not? It is fun to indulge conspiracy theorists.

Erich Schlegel / Getty Images

#unicornarmy #martiallaw #walmart #plumbing???

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Who will save us? The Texas State Guard? Jade Helm, the recycling superhero?

David Grigg / Getty Images

I'm putting my money on the Texas Rangers.

Tony Gutierrez / AP

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