Why You Should Always Fuck First When Eating

"Putting whipped cream on someone is to make them smell like baby vomit."

Maritsa Patrinos / Buzzfeed

If you walked in during the middle of the Hump! film festival, you might see a short featuring a Rube Goldberg machine that causes a chain reaction of sex acts. Walk in five minutes earlier, and you'd see a cartoon song about twincest. Five minutes later, and there are two beautiful women having sex on screen.

That wide variety of sex acts is intentional, according to Dan Savage, the curator of the Hump! amateur porn festival. You might recognize Dan from his sex advice column, Savage Love, or from his It Gets Better project. His festival, which returns to Brooklyn Aug. 28–29, might not be your typical film showcase, but it's also not the stuff you'd click through on YouPorn. There aren't any big-budget productions, and everyone involved is doing it for enjoyment, not for money. "We are reviving old-school, artisanal pornography," explains Savage.

Enticed with the promise of anonymity and limited viewership, many sexually adventurous couples and friends make five-minute porn videos to submit to the festival. Once there, Dan and a jury of 12 watch the films and choose which ones make it into the festival. Which ones make it? Why? Dan talked to Buzzfeed and answered these questions and more.

What’s an example of an interesting kink you might see at Hump!?

Maritsa Patrinos / Buzzfeed

"A couple years ago, there was a film called Go Ahead and Pee. It was just a normal, average-looking woman jumping on a trampoline with a leotard, saying, 'Go ahead, pee.' Eventually, she's jumping on the trampoline, and you begin to see that she is urinating. She's peeing herself. Her leotard is changing color as she pees down her own legs. That was the video. That's all that happened. And we were like, 'That's someone's kink. That's somebody's porn. That's something we want in the festival.' Juxtaposed with the other films, I thought it worked really well. It was beautiful."

Should you take a date to Hump! or go with friends?

"Absolutely bring a first date to Hump!. Often people come with their girlfriend or boyfriend, that they've been seeing for six months, or a year, and then they end up watching all this crazy shit, and they have a really honest conversation about their crazy shit. The stuff that they're interested in, what was hot to them, what wasn't hot to them, and it helps them open up. Sometimes when it comes to sex, it's easier for people to have a conversation like, 'Wow, look at what those people liked, look at what those people wanted, what do you think of that?'"

What if you start to feel uncomfortable while watching the porn?

Maritsa Patrinos / Buzzfeed

"You can protect yourself if something is too hardcore, extreme, or unnerving by closing your eyes. No film is longer that five minutes. It makes people better humans to be comfortable with and down with what other people are doing, what other people are into. To witness it and cheer for it.

"Under the plumbing, under the kinks, under the gender identity, everything is the same: the desire, the lust, the passion, the humor, the vulnerability. All of those things, the more important things, are the same. That's the cake, and the differences are the frosting. We are all the fucking cake."

One of the films is called The Grocer. Can you eat food after you fuck it?

Maritsa Patrinos / Buzzfeed

"I think most people who fuck food do eat it afterwards. People eat pussy after they've fucked it. Why should they treat produce any differently that they treat their own partners?

"Somebody who wishes they were kinky will think, 'What's in the refrigerator? Whipped cream, chocolate sauce,' and they'll incorporate that. Anybody who has had sex for more than 11 months knows that putting whipped cream on someone is to make them smell like baby vomit. So much of what we consume in America has already been dipped in chocolate, that maybe sex should be a chocolate-dipping free zone. Maybe you don't have to dip your partner's dick in chocolate. Let's leave sex alone. When people incorporate food they're including eggplants or carrots as penetration toys. Which isn't advisable, since you want something with a flared base so you don't lose it inside yourself. To actually incorporate other food products like schmears into sex is stupid. Have sex and then go have ice cream. Don't have sex and ice cream. Fuck first."

Should all couples share their porn with each other?

"It's OK to not watch porn together. It important to let people have alone time, to not be controlling. You don't have to occupy all the geography of your lover's erotic interests. We are individuals, we are allowed to have our own things. If you can accept that, you're going to have a happier, longer-term relationship. It's people who try to control and clamp down and police each other's everything that drive each other crazy and destroy relationships. The thing about watching porn as a couple is that you may watch porn and get off on a porn that shows things that you don't ever want to do. There are lots of lesbians that watch gay porn. Not only don't they want to, but they can't do that. People can be judged or misunderstood when sharing their porn, so it's good to take baby steps. You have to be smart about it if you're going to watch it with your lover. You have to have a conversation about what porn means, whether everything you watch is something you want to do. You shouldn't kink-shame your partner about it."

When it comes to giving head, how often is too often to throw up on that dick?

"I think if it happens once, you move on to something else. That doesn't mean try it again. A slight upchuck that you were able to suppress and the person didn't notice? You can keep going. Full-on dinner in his lap? Then it's time for a shower and maybe something else. If someone can smell [the vomit] and they stay hard, you have other problems. Seriously though, wrap a fist around the bottom of the dick. Make it shorter."

You’re a political junkie. What if the candidate is gay-friendly, but they’re just saying anti-gay things to appeal to their base?

Maritsa Patrinos / Buzzfeed

"I don’t think most of them believe what they say about gay people. I’ve been on television with Mike Huckabee, and he’s very charming, very personable. I look at him and think, You couldn’t believe the things you say about gay people, or else you couldn’t be nice to me. If I believed about gay people the things you claimed to believe about gay people, I wouldn’t be nice to me.

"My dad used to say, in 2004 when George Bush was running for reelection, that he was going to vote for him. I was angry. He reassured me that George Bush didn’t actually believe these things that he was saying about gay people. He was just appealing to the base. I don’t care if you want to punch me in the nose because you want to, or because you want to impress assholes. I still got punched in the nose. It doesn’t matter if Mike Huckabee believes it in the end, he’s doing it. It actually makes it worse, in a way, when they say these things and don’t believe them. It’s slightly more galling, those that mouth bigotry but don’t actually ascribe to it."

What’s your TV guilty pleasure?

"Tosh.0. My son actually got me into him. There's something scalding about his humor. He can sometimes be really sexist, really awful, but there's also something really human about him. I love his web redemptions, when he has people on and he talks to them. I don't think he gets the credit he deserves for his humanity that really comes shining through in those segments."

How have your column’s questions changed over the years?

"I've been doing my column for 25 years, which is pre-internet, pre-Google, pre-Wiki. I got questions like what's a cock ring, what's a butt plug. But now cock ring has a Wiki page. So all the questions I get now are here's this elaborate set of circumstances — it's all situational ethics. It's complicated, unique, fine-grained."

What’s the weirdest, most upsetting question you’ve ever gotten for your column?

Maritsa Patrinos / Buzzfeed

"It went like this: 'I caught my grandmother masturbating a parrot. I don't think she knows she's masturbating her parrot.' I don't think anybody else has gotten that question before. I still have to lie down on the floor and breathe deeply every time I think about it. I don't remember what I said. I've blocked the whole thing out."

Some of the festival's highlights include Beethoven's Stiff, The Glory Hole, Twincest, and Anal Alley, which features a butt plug bowling set. Tickets are available now for the Brooklyn screenings, which take place Aug. 28 at 7 p.m. and 9 p.m., and Aug. 29 at 6 p.m., 8 p.m., and 10 p.m. If you are interested in submitting your own amateur porn film, visit the Hump! Film Festival website for more information.

Find out what type of porn Dan thinks each GOP candidate would submit to Hump! here.