A Guideline For Using Household Objects As Sex Toys

DIY if you're dumb enough to try.

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During the winter holidays, I’m usually too stressed to worry about twirling on my clit.

Netflix / Via tumblr.com

This year was no different — at least until my family sat down to binge-watch Making a Murderer. After I got in bed, my mind couldn’t stop wandering to Avery’s sexy, idealistic attorney Dean Strang. I went to pull out my box bullet — to finish the job my fingers started — when I made a very upsetting discovery: I had forgotten my vibrator. I was dildo-less. My orgasm, which moments ago seemed just within reach, suddenly became a ton of work.

Once home, that experience still fresh in my mind, I vowed I would never let it happen again. If I ever found myself sans sex toy, I would be prepared. I had to know how to masturbate with common household objects.

Before I started poring over my pantry, I reached out to Alyssa Dweck, M.D., an assistant clinical professor of Mount Sinai School of Medicine and a gynecologist in New York. She’s also the author of V is for Vagina, so she knows a thing or two about sticking weird things up there.

“People in general will use household items as dildos, but as a medical professional I cannot condone this because we must say safety first,” Dweck told me. “With that said, I’ve seen a lot of crazy things in the emergency room.”

Dweck told me she's seen people for masturbating with a whipped cream canister (the top came off and got stuck) and rectally inserting a brush handle, among other things.

You can't properly sanitize anything wooden, since it's too porous, Dweck warned. You also can't insert a food item into your vagina without a condom, because it can and will break down inside you and cause a retrieval infection.

Generally speaking, Dweck recommends that if you find yourself in a situation where you're toyless and need to 'bate, you should probably "rely on good old-fashioned hands and massage oil."

Clearly, a medical professional was not going to recommend weird objects with which to crush my cooch.

That's where Claire Cavanah, Babeland co-founder, comes in.

If you haven't been to Babeland, go: It's a treasure trove of sex toys and it's extremely female- and couple-friendly.

Cavanah told me: "People find ways to get off by themselves and with their lovers by repurposing household items all the time." She mentioned using wooden spoons as slappers and scarves as restraints. I took this as a sign I could go ahead with my plan. (Though she did point out that all of these things can do "unintended damage" and are far more dangerous than you might imagine).

But that doesn't mean everything you find at home is bad. Cavanah called firm, phallic vegetables and electric toothbrushes "the classics," but said the best solution was to take a long shower and use a handheld shower head. "Warm, rushing water feels great on the clit." She's right about that one; so right that I didn't need to test it because you already know it's the bomb.

Cavanah also said that when sexually aroused people "urgently want to come, then [they] make poor choices." That's what I'm here for: to make sure that when you're in a horny stupor, you make the least poor of the poor choices.

So here are all my poor choices.

Jon Premosch / Andrew Richard / Buzzfeed

This fruit may be the “looks like a dick” standard, but it gets soft like one too. And even with a condom on it, you don’t want that mush falling apart in your vag. For a moment, though, I fully believed the curved top would stimulate my G-spot. Then I remembered that I don’t know where that is.

Did I come? No.

Jon Premosch / Andrew Richard / Buzzfeed

I’m not gonna lie: This is just what I had in the fridge. It’s like a white carrot, OK? I think it goes in soup? The parsnip definitely beats the banana because it did not fall apart inside the condom. I had trouble deciding which end to enter myself with, and ultimately decided on the pointy end. This was a poor decision.

Did I come? No.

Jon Premosch / Andrew Richard / Buzzfeed

Boys sometimes masturbate with fleshlights, so I thought it was only natural that I try the male counterpart: the flashlight. It felt…not good. I also got distracted using the flashlight for its intended purpose: to shine a light on my nether regions. I wasted a good 20 minutes sitting spread-eagle with a mirror and a flashlight. Although this is not technically masturbation, it was important, and I recommend everyone try it.


Did I come?
Not even close.

Jon Premosch / Andrew Richard / Buzzfeed

This was the best object yet in terms of feel and sizing for insertion. After talking to a doctor about potential issues in creating suction, though, I got nervous. I tried creating suction around my clit, which felt nice, but not nice enough to get the deed done, if you know what I’m saying.

Did I come? Naw.

Jon Premosch / Andrew Richard / Buzzfeed

Now we are talking. I personally do not use non-vibrating dildos to masturbate, so everything prior to the electronic toothbrush was mere child’s play. I don’t understand people who can masturbate by shoving objects inside themselves. If this works for you, please let me and the world know how in the comments.

Did I come? No, but I think given a two-hour window, I could.

Jon Premosch / Andrew Richard / Buzzfeed

The nice thing about the vibration function of the phone is that you can design your own vibration. For me, that’s a constant vibration. I set it up and then scheduled an alarm every minute for 15 minutes. It worked! Unfortunately, phones are not really designed for clitoral stimulation (please fix that for iPhone 7, Apple).


Did I come?
No, but maybe I haven’t found my perfect pattern.

Jon Premosch / Andrew Richard / Buzzfeed

I attempted to use the Wii remote to masturbate during a game of Super Smash. Not only was the vibration power weak, but I kept losing, which made me angry. I did play with Captain Falcon, so if you are into cartoon characters with super erect nipples, that’s an added bonus to this method. Also, it looks like PlayStation’s DualShock control has a more powerful vibration, so if you’re between Nintendo, Xbox, and PlayStation, maybe that’s your deciding factor.


Did I come?
No.

Jon Premosch / Andrew Richard / Buzzfeed

REMOVE THE BLADES! This device, which I deduced is used for cooking or something because I found it in a kitchen cabinet, had by far had the best vibration. Cons: You have to plug it in (what is this, the 1950s?), and it’s large and unwieldy. I would have given this 4 stars, but was forced to bump it down to 3 due to safety concerns.

Did I come? ;)

The Takeaway:

None of these household objects really hold a candle to the real things. What you should do, and what I ultimately did, was go buy a portable sex toy so you're ready whenever you're feeling a little randy.

Babeland's Kavanah recommended these two discreet vibrators:

Peace, ladies, and happy muff buffing!