In my ever-exhaustive search to be hotter, I'm constantly turning to celebrity greats for advice: it was from Kim Kardashian that I got the idea to (tape my boobs), and from Gwyneth Paltrow that I got the idea to cleanse myself with soup. But more on that another time.
About a week ago, in search of more life secrets, I went to every earth princess' favorite website, Goop, to see if Gwyneth Paltrow had any more health and beauty wisdom to bestow. She never disappoints — she's recommended sex dust, 18K gold dumbbells, and moon juice.
As always, Gwyneth delivered.
That’s right. Gwyneth recommends we chant and pray over our makeup to infuse the products with positive intentions.
Though she likely wanted me to buy some hella expensive products that were pre-chanted-upon and pre-infused, I realized this was the rare Goop recommendation I could try entirely for free.
I immediately spread out all the products from my morning routine, lit a candle, and began chanting.
According to Goop, Sodashi Skincare plays an “Ayurvedic rain melody” to cleanse their active skin treatments, so I did the same.
I lit some weird herbs on fire to clear the air of mean energy.
And then, I chanted:
"BB cream, you are wonderful. You will make my skin smooth and sexy. Mascara, you will make my eyes pop wide open so that I may see the world in all its beauty. I love you, Advil. Never change. Each and every one of you are special to me. You serve a mighty purpose: to make me hot. And for that I am thankful. A-women."
I hadn't been able to find any reference to the length of time I needed to chant in order to cleanse my products of evil spirits, so I stuck with twenty minutes. Then it was time for the true test: I put my lotions and makeup back on.
Here is my before and after:
I couldn’t believe it. It actually worked. As you can see, the positivity in my makeup shone through. I looked like a goddamn glowing goddess.
I hope this is enough to put Gwyneth’s skeptics to rest. In this highly scientific procedure, I proved that chanting over your makeup can — and will — make you hotter. No, I did not put bronzer on. That’s the same makeup. No, we did not photoshop me orange. No, I did not accidentally spread Cheeto dust all over my face, a la Donald Trump. Did the lighting change because the sun moved in the sky? It's certainly possible, yeah. Probable, even. But still. My mind is blown.
So if you want a free and easy way to look more beautiful, infuse your products with positivity by chanting over them. Or just buy some shit from Goop’s website.
I couldn’t believe it. It actually worked. As you can see, the positivity in my makeup shone through. I looked like a goddamn glowing goddess.
I hope this is enough to put Gwyneth’s skeptics to rest. In this highly scientific procedure, I proved that chanting over your makeup can — and will — make you hotter. No, I did not put bronzer on. That’s the same makeup. No, we did not photoshop me orange. No, I did not accidentally spread Cheeto dust all over my face, a la Donald Trump. Did the lighting change because the sun moved in the sky? It's certainly possible, yeah. Probable, even. But still. My mind is blown.
So if you want a free and easy way to look more beautiful, infuse your products with positivity by chanting over them. Or just buy some shit from Goop’s website.
I couldn’t believe it. It actually worked. As you can see, the positivity in my makeup shone through. I looked like a goddamn glowing goddess.
I hope this is enough to put Gwyneth’s skeptics to rest. In this highly scientific procedure, I proved that chanting over your makeup can — and will — make you hotter. No, I did not put bronzer on. That’s the same makeup. No, we did not photoshop me orange. No, I did not accidentally spread Cheeto dust all over my face, a la Donald Trump. Did the lighting change because the sun moved in the sky? It's certainly possible, yeah. Probable, even. But still. My mind is blown.
So if you want a free and easy way to look more beautiful, infuse your products with positivity by chanting over them. Or just buy some shit from Goop’s website.