13 Tips From Donald Trump's Book That Will Turn You Into A Monster

How The Art of The Deal teaches us to listen to our guts and tell our brains to STFU.

Alice Mongkongllite / Jon Premosch / BuzzFeed

Whatever your politics, we can all agree on one thing: Donald Trump is crazy confident.

He doesn't let his lack of experience or facts hold him back from stating his opinion. He flies by the seat of his pants and somehow still lands on his feet.

A year ago, the lamestream media mocked his chances of winning the GOP nomination. But Trump never doubted himself. When challenged, Trump whips out his machismo, and slaps you in the face with it.

You can't deny he gets results. They might be exaggerated or fake, but he still gets them. Trump has said insane things about grabbing pussy and banning Muslims, and he still has a solid base. His confidence is like a big bright light; it lures us in and we cannot look away.

Is it possible for anyone to obtain that kind of confidence? How does Trump keep it up? There's only one way to find out: follow Donald Trump's teachings.

So I picked up his masterpiece: The Art of The Deal.

Sarah Burton / BuzzFeed

The greatest #1-selling business book of all time, if time ended in 1987.

Trump's first lesson: You will never be as great as Donald Trump.

Trump's confidence is unattainable to the average Joe because it's not something you can learn — it's genetic. "More than anything else, I think deal-making is an ability you’re born with," wrote Trump.

Most of us will never be billionaires or run for President, so it makes sense we will never attain Trump levels of bombast. But that doesn't mean that The Art of The Deal isn't packed full of teachings to help the rest of us become crazy confident in our own right.

Here's what I learned:

1.

“The other thing I do when I talk with reporters is to be straight. I try not to deceive them or to be defensive, because those are precisely the ways most people get themselves into trouble with the press.” — Donald Trump

"The simplest approach is often the most effective." — Donald Trump

"I play to people's fantasies...." — Donald Trump

People like straight-talk and authenticity, even if it's bullshit.

Jon Premosch / BuzzFeed

A lot of what makes Trump appear relatable comes from three things: his casual speaking style, his "locker room talk," and his enjoyment of fast food.

Speaking in fragmented sentences was an easy change to adopt. Most people will still figure out what you're saying, and letting go of those extra words was certainly weight off my back. Plus, when you let other people fill in the blanks, they'll usually end up believing you said what they wanted you to say. It's a win/win.

Authenticity also comes from not giving a flying fuck what the elites think. Fast food is bad? Then I'm going to eat it. I've got that confidence because I know people will relate to me and my goddamn Big Mac (even if I am eating it with a fork and knife because I am very much so an elite).

2.

"Good publicity is preferable to bad, but from a bottom-line perspective, bad publicity is sometimes better than no publicity at all. Controversy, in short, sells." — Donald Trump

"One thing I've learned about the press is that they're always hungry for a good story, and the more sensational the better... The point is that if you are a little different, a little outrageous, or if you do things that are bold or controversial, the press is going to write about you." — Donald Trump

"The power of the New York Times is just awesome." — Donald Trump

Use controversy to get people talking about you.

Jon Premosch / BuzzFeed

Jon Premosch / BuzzFeed

I don't think Trump lead the birtherism movement because he really believed it or thought it was a righteous cause. I believe he was doing it to stir up controversy and get attention.

I decided to seek out my own bad press by standing around Union Square with a controversial poster. I took something Trump was already passionate about — windmills killing bald eagles and also looking ugly on his golf course — and upped it to the next level. That should do the trick.

I noticed many concerned citizens took photos of my message and likely tweeted them out. Alas, when I went to see the media shitstorm I had created, I could not find any of these tweets. The New York Times hadn't covered it. Apparently, my media savvy was no match for Trump's. I had forgotten a hashtag. #loser #dumbdumb #yourefired

3.

“In reality I wasn’t that far along, but I did everything I could, short of going to work at the site myself, to assure them that my casino was practically finished. My leverage came from confirming an impression that they were already presupposed to believe.” — Donald Trump

"What the bulldozers and dump trucks did wasn't important, I said, so long as they did a lot of it. If they got some actual work accomplished, all the better, but if necessary, he should have the bulldozers dig up dirt from one side of the site and dump it on the other. They should keep doing that, I said, until I gave him other instructions.... There were so many pieces of machinery on this site that they could barely maneuver around each other. These distinguished corporate leaders looked on, some of them visibly awed." — Donald Trump

People are impressed by a hard worker.

Jon Premosch / BuzzFeed

Jon Premosch / BuzzFeed

Appearances are everything. You should always look like you're working hard. As I carried around stacks of folders and speed-walked around the office, I noticed my coworkers noticing me. I even "tripped" a few times in front of my managers, just so they saw me get back up again. They saw the spirit of a hard worker who can't be stopped. They weren't going to double check what exactly I was doing. Donald's advice was solid, and I could feel my confidence growing with every turn of the page.

4.

“We had no formal name for the company… so I began to call it the Trump Organization. Somehow the word 'organization' made it sounds much bigger.” — Donald Trump

“I got a some of my sense of showmanship from my mother. She always had a flair for the dramatic and the grand.” — Donald Trump

"And while I can't honestly say I need an eighty-foot living room, I do get a kick out of having one." — Donald Trump

“Finally, I see a huge and magnificent gold wreath for the entrance to the building, and decide we should use just that. Sometimes — not often, but sometimes — less it more.” — Donald Trump

If you are #1, go with gold.

Jon Premosch / BuzzFeed

Typically I don't want anyone looking at me at my gross desk with lingering food crumbs and water ring marks. But following Trump's teachings, I realized just cleaning it up wasn't enough — that would only make my desk passable. To make my workspace grand, I decked it out in velvet, gold, and patriotic decor. Coworkers all stared as they walked by. As their jealous eyes lingered on the gold shimmer, I easily understood how going grand builds your confidence.

5.

“I don’t kid myself about why I’m asked to speak at or chair so many events. It’s not because I’m such a great guy. The reason is that the people who run charities know that I’ve got wealthy friends and I can get them to buy tables." — Donald Trump

"My father and I put in a very minimal bid for Swifton, and it was accepted. We ended up paying less that $6 million for a job .... We were also immediately able to get a mortgage for what we paid.... In other words, we got the project without putting down any money of our own." — Donald Trump

If you use other people's money, you look better and smarter.

Jon Premosch / BuzzFeed

We all know about Trump's "small loan" of a million dollars he got from his father. Turns out using other people's money is great confidence builder because you don't have to worry about suffering any personal losses. That's great for business, but also for charity! You can have people give you money, and then you can pretend you are giving your own money to charity. Appearance is important, so if you appear giving, you appear to be a good person.

I passed around a jar at work and collected money for charity. I only got $37, but I think that will be enough to buy a giant portrait of my face.

6.

“Listen to your gut, no matter how good something sounds on paper.” — Donald Trump

“My father could run circles around most academics.” — Donald Trump

"It didn’t take me long to realize that there was nothing particularly awesome or exceptional about my classmates.” — Donald Trump

Reading and listening will only make you second guess your gut.

Jon Premosch / BuzzFeed

Your gut is the only thing you should trust. Decisiveness doesn't involve listening to outside consultants, reading books with facts, or having diverse committees discuss the pros and cons of a given policy. All of those things just make you second-guess yourself and eat away at your confidence.

Tony Schwartz, the guy who helped Trump write his first book, had plenty of time to soak in his greatness. His conclusion: "I seriously doubt that Trump has ever read a book straight through in his adult life." Exactly. You don't need them.

To be like Donald Trump, I got rid of all the books around my desk. I set them on fire to make sure I wouldn't dig through the trash in a moment of weakness. I only needed myself, and I should only trust myself.

7.

“My people keep telling me I shouldn’t write letters like this to critics. They way I see it, critics get to say what they want to about my work, so why shouldn’t I be able to say what I want to about theirs?” — Donald Trump

“I’m the first to admit that I am very competitive and that I’ll do nearly anything within legal bound to win. Sometimes, part of making a deal is denigrating your competition.” — Donald Trump

"Even in elementary school, I was a very assertive, aggressive kid. In the second grade I actually gave a teacher a black eye — I punched my music teacher because I didn't think he knew anything about music and I almost got expelled." — Donald Trump

Give your haters a taste of their own medicine.

Jon Premosch / BuzzFeed

That's right. It's called tough love. When you're criticized, criticize right back. Let them know you're not to be walked over. Trump's constant complaint of mainstream media bias is a great hit back at everyone in the press who has ever badmouthed him. Of course, he also likes to call his critics dopey or wacky, and why not?

As a writer on the internet, I get a lot of mean comments. I used to ignore them — not anymore. Now I bite back harder.

Take that, commenters:

Sarah Burton / BuzzFeed

8.

"The day after Flutie's great game, I wrote a letter to Harry Usher, our new commissioner, suggesting that the cost of Flutie's contract be shared among all USFL owners — on the grounds that Flutie's promotional value was leaguewide. I knew it was highly unlikely that the other owners would go along — and they didn't — but my attitude is you can't get hurt asking." — Donald Trump

"If you want to buy something, it's obviously in your best interest to convince the seller that what he's got isn't worth very much." — Donald Trump

It never hurts to ask for more.

Sarah Burton / BuzzFeed

Donald Trump is all about shooting for the moon so you end up among the stars. You never know when someone is going to say yes to your request, so you might as well try.

So when I went to Starbucks for my usual PSL, I explained to the barista that I was BuzzFeed's Sarah Burton and I would love a grande for free. Having someone as important as me walk around with a PSL was pretty much free advertising, I explained.

Unfortunately, Andrew the Baristo told me he couldn't do that. So I paid and instructed him to write my name, B-U-R-T-O-N, huge on the cup.

As you can see, I did not receive what I asked for. Disgusted, I promptly threw the cup in the trash (after I finished drinking it, of course). I had been disrespected by Starbucks. That would be the last time I would be their loyal customer.

9.

“I’m very good to people who are good to me. But when people treat me badly or unfairly or try to take advantage of me, my general attitude, all my life, has been to fight back very hard.” — Donald Trump

"Just compare that will all the hundreds of 'respectable' guys who make careers out of boosting about their uncompromising integrity but have absolutely no loyalty. They think only about what’s best for them and don’t think twice about stabbing a fired in the back if the friend becomes a problem. What I liked most about Roy Cohn was that he would do just the opposite.” — Donald Trump

It doesn't matter if people are good or bad as long as they're loyal.

Sarah Burton / BuzzFeed

Sarah Burton / BuzzFeed

For Trump, loyalty is the best test of a person's character. Who is more loyal than man's best friend, the dog? That's why I decided to have Burton Jr. take a loyalty pledge. She had to read it before every meal. No more rolling on her back for the first person who will give her a tummy rub. Her loyalties had to lie with me.

10.

“People may not always think big themselves, but they can still get very excited by those who do. That’s why a little hyperbole never hurts. People want to believe that something is the biggest and the greatest and the most spectacular. I can it truthful hyperbole. It’s an innocent form of exaggeration — and a very effective form of promotion.” — Donald Trump

“They were just interested in buying his name. I’ve always felt that a lot of modern art is a con, and that the most successful painters are often better salesmen and promoters than they are artists.” — Donald Trump

Embellishments are not lies, and they're often better than the actual truth.

Sarah Burton / BuzzFeed

Sarah Burton / BuzzFeed

The English language is surprisingly versatile. Sure, there are "fact-checkers" that will try to fit a statement into a true or false box, but that's bullshit. I can be 100% honest while being purposefully misleading, and what's wrong with that?

For example, when my boyfriend wanted me to clean my dishes, I told the truth. The sink actually was looking shiny and clean, because the print-out I placed over my actual sink was shiny and clean. For those few hours before he got home, we were both happy. I'm sure I put his fears of cockroaches climbing over food in the sink to rest. So really, what I did was a great thing and I am an incredible person.

11.

“I don’t hire a lot of number-crunchers, and I don’t trust marketing surveys. I do my own surveys and draw my own conclusions…” — Donald Trump

"Among other things, she reported that a majority of fans who'd been surveyed in a poll wanted the USFL to stay in the spring. You can probably guess how much stock I put in polls.... I managed to get the issue of moving to the fall put to a vote. It passed by more than the required two-thirds majority." — Donald Trump

"I like to think that I have that instinct. That's why I don't hire a lot of number-crunchers, and I don't trust fancy marketing surveys. I do my own surveys and draw my own conclusions." — Donald Trump

Don't Trust The Numbers

Sarah Burton / BuzzFeed

Donald Trump described himself as similar to Sylvester Stallone — a "genius by instinct." He doesn't need numbers. For me, that was the most refreshing advice of all. I also hate looking at statistics. Sometimes people don't know what they want until you give it to them.

I went back and reinterpreted my post stats. I removed the numbers, and trusted my gut instinct. This is the kind of data the proves I'm a great employee who definitely deserves to be CEO. Or CFO? CDO? You know, whichever one makes more money.

12.

"He agreed to put me up for membership. He had only one misgiving. He said that because I was young and good-looking, and because some if the older members of the club were married to beautiful young women, he was worried that I might be tempted to try to steal their wives." — Donald Trump

"I was admitted to the club, and it turned out to be a good move for me, socially and professionally. I met a lot of beautiful young single women, and I went out almost every night. Actually, I never got involved with any of them very seriously. These were beautiful women, but many of them couldn't carry on a normal conversation. Some were vain, some were crazy, some were wild, and many of them were phonies." — Donald Trump

Surround yourself with Tens.

Jon Premosch / BuzzFeed

There's a reason Donald Trump knew it was important to join the most elite clubs. It's the same reason he bought the Miss USA beauty pageant: Surrounding yourself with Tens raises your own value. It's simple economics. So I picked out the two hottest guys at BuzzFeed and had them walk the streets of New York by my side. The passersby indubitably concluded that for me to be with these people, I must be pretty fucking smart myself. Either that or have a pretty big clit.*

*Please note: I did not grab them by their genitalia, because seriously, you just have to draw a line somewhere. For me, it was between being a jackass, and a giant piece of human garbage that doesn't understand the concept of sexual assault.

13.

“Tony was very good. He was the co-author. He didn’t write the book. I wrote the book. I wrote the book. It was my book. And it was a No. 1 best-seller, and one of the best-selling business books of all time. Some say it was the best-selling business book ever.” — Donald Trump

True, unlike the rest of the quotes I've included, that statement does not show up in The Art of the Deal.

But it's by far the most important. Besides, this Trump teaching is about the book, so it still counts.

Trump has taken credit for a lot of things: "finishing" birtherism, airplane hanger rallies, the Budweiser rebrand, US-Iran prisoner swap, Lady Gaga.

But after reading an interview with his book's actual author, Tony Schwartz, I saw another level of Trump's greatness. His teachings, which I had been religiously following, were not even his.

Wow. My mind is blown. It's the most brilliant piece of advice I've ever read. I had to put it into action right away.

And that, my dear readers, is why I'm taking credit for this article that I did not write.

Sarah Burton / BuzzFeed

That's right. I, Joanna, have been writing this article the entire time. Sarah will get all the credit – even if it sucks. But I guess she's cool with that because "all press is good press," right?

That's not to say that this has all been a lie. Sarah did dive whole hog into Trump's teachings, and it is fair to say that she's crazy confident now.

However, I feel I must take this opportunity to apologize to America, because like Tony Schwartz in 1987—

I have created a monster.

Jon Premosch/ BuzzFeed

I'm so sorry.

Jon Premosch / BuzzFeed