Whatever your politics, we can all agree on one thing: Donald Trump is crazy confident.
He doesn't let his lack of experience or facts hold him back from stating his opinion. He flies by the seat of his pants and somehow still lands on his feet.
A year ago, the lamestream media mocked his chances of winning the GOP nomination. But Trump never doubted himself. When challenged, Trump whips out his machismo, and slaps you in the face with it.
You can't deny he gets results. They might be exaggerated or fake, but he still gets them. Trump has said insane things about grabbing pussy and banning Muslims, and he still has a solid base. His confidence is like a big bright light; it lures us in and we cannot look away.
Is it possible for anyone to obtain that kind of confidence? How does Trump keep it up? There's only one way to find out: follow Donald Trump's teachings.
So I picked up his masterpiece: The Art of The Deal.
Trump's first lesson: You will never be as great as Donald Trump.
Trump's confidence is unattainable to the average Joe because it's not something you can learn — it's genetic. "More than anything else, I think deal-making is an ability you’re born with," wrote Trump.
Most of us will never be billionaires or run for President, so it makes sense we will never attain Trump levels of bombast. But that doesn't mean that The Art of The Deal isn't packed full of teachings to help the rest of us become crazy confident in our own right.
Here's what I learned:
People like straight-talk and authenticity, even if it's bullshit.
Use controversy to get people talking about you.
I don't think Trump lead the birtherism movement because he really believed it or thought it was a righteous cause. I believe he was doing it to stir up controversy and get attention.
I decided to seek out my own bad press by standing around Union Square with a controversial poster. I took something Trump was already passionate about — windmills killing bald eagles and also looking ugly on his golf course — and upped it to the next level. That should do the trick.
I noticed many concerned citizens took photos of my message and likely tweeted them out. Alas, when I went to see the media shitstorm I had created, I could not find any of these tweets. The New York Times hadn't covered it. Apparently, my media savvy was no match for Trump's. I had forgotten a hashtag. #loser #dumbdumb #yourefired
People are impressed by a hard worker.
Appearances are everything. You should always look like you're working hard. As I carried around stacks of folders and speed-walked around the office, I noticed my coworkers noticing me. I even "tripped" a few times in front of my managers, just so they saw me get back up again. They saw the spirit of a hard worker who can't be stopped. They weren't going to double check what exactly I was doing. Donald's advice was solid, and I could feel my confidence growing with every turn of the page.
If you are #1, go with gold.
If you use other people's money, you look better and smarter.
Reading and listening will only make you second guess your gut.
Give your haters a taste of their own medicine.
Take that, commenters:
It never hurts to ask for more.
It doesn't matter if people are good or bad as long as they're loyal.
For Trump, loyalty is the best test of a person's character. Who is more loyal than man's best friend, the dog? That's why I decided to have Burton Jr. take a loyalty pledge. She had to read it before every meal. No more rolling on her back for the first person who will give her a tummy rub. Her loyalties had to lie with me.
Embellishments are not lies, and they're often better than the actual truth.
The English language is surprisingly versatile. Sure, there are "fact-checkers" that will try to fit a statement into a true or false box, but that's bullshit. I can be 100% honest while being purposefully misleading, and what's wrong with that?
For example, when my boyfriend wanted me to clean my dishes, I told the truth. The sink actually was looking shiny and clean, because the print-out I placed over my actual sink was shiny and clean. For those few hours before he got home, we were both happy. I'm sure I put his fears of cockroaches climbing over food in the sink to rest. So really, what I did was a great thing and I am an incredible person.
Don't Trust The Numbers
Surround yourself with Tens.
True, unlike the rest of the quotes I've included, that statement does not show up in The Art of the Deal.
But it's by far the most important. Besides, this Trump teaching is about the book, so it still counts.
Trump has taken credit for a lot of things: "finishing" birtherism, airplane hanger rallies, the Budweiser rebrand, US-Iran prisoner swap, Lady Gaga.
But after reading an interview with his book's actual author, Tony Schwartz, I saw another level of Trump's greatness. His teachings, which I had been religiously following, were not even his.
Wow. My mind is blown. It's the most brilliant piece of advice I've ever read. I had to put it into action right away.