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Keep March Madness Going All Year Long

An entire calendar of sports worth going mad for.

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March Madness

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Event: College Basketball

Fill out your bracket, cheer for your favorite teams, and experience the exhilaration of winning and losing alongside the country’s best young athletes.

April Insanity

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Events: MLB Opening Day, The Masters, The NFL Draft, End of the NBA and NHL Regular Seasons

There are so many sporting events to watch that you literally have to quit your job to watch them all!

May Mania

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Event: Kentucky Derby

Woo! Like all sports, horse racing is a lot more fun if you’re gambling! And you’d better have a good betting strategy because, remember, you quit your job to watch sports last month.

June X-Treme Psychosis

Ezra Shaw / Getty Images

Event: The X Games

These sports are simply too extreme for most members of your family, and besides, now that you're on the run from last month's gambling debts, you'll want to divorce your spouse and your children to fully appreciate the X Games!

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July Rapid Descent Into Financial And Personal Ruin

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Events: Tour de France, British Open, World Swimming Championships in Kazan, Russia

You may not have a family or a home, but sports still love you! You NEED to catch ALL SPORTS live and in person even if you have to sell your belongings (remember, blood and plasma count as belongings!) to afford it.

August Instability

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Event: International Race Walking World Cup

Sports are now the only thing you care about. You’ll be unwashed, unshaven, and unable to miss these semi-fast almost-speedsters compete to do whatever it is they they’re doing. The point is it’s a competition and you need it to fill the hole where your life used to be.

September Silliness

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Event: Commonwealth Youth Games in Samoa

Samoa has no extradition treaty with the U.S., so if you have to stick up a few drug stores or commit some light kidnapping to afford a ticket to these games in the South Pacific, you'll be A-OK!

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November Nuttiness

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Event: Trampoline World Championships & The Canadian Football League Championship

Trampolining or Canadian football? Trampolining or Canadian football? Trampolining or Canadian football or returning home to the family you left behind or accepting $1000 to let a Dutch businessman photograph your feet? These are the questions a real sports fan like yourself has to ask.

December Depression

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Event: Men's World Team Squash Championships

You'll be so hyped up to continue your non-stop athletic journey that you'll feel the full range of emotions you're still capable of feeling–from a slightly sad numbness to a slightly more sad numbness.

January Full Month Of Panic Attacks

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Event: The Masters of Snooker

Sports don’t care that you haven’t changed your clothes in months. Sports don’t care that you have a gangrenous leg wound. Sports are about pure competition, like the one you’re locked in against your own mind. You ARE the sport.

February Fun!

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Event: Reintegrating Into Society

Having gone through an entire year's worth of madness-inducing athletics, you can now experience the thrills of victory and the agonies of defeat as they apply to your daily attempts to reconcile with your family and live as a normal human. And if it doesn’t go well, March Madness is right around the corner!