back to top

17 Reasons Tiffany "New York" Pollard Should Run For President

That's Madam President HBIC to y'all!

Posted on

If you were a fan of the halcyon age of reality TV that was VH1's Celebreality, you DEFINITELY remember Tiffany "New York" Pollard, the baddest chick alive of Flavor of Love and I Love New York fame.

New York truly was the total package, steamrolling over plebeians, keeping it 💯, all while trying to find love in a hopeless place (reality TV, that is). Oh yeah, she was — and still is — the HBIC.


New York is truly a woman of the people, and that's why we're THRILLED to announce that the HBIC stopped by the BuzzFeed offices to announce she's FINALLY running for president.*

1. Her campaign slogan shows that she understands the crucial issues and she is HERE for all the American people.

Macey J. Foronda / David Bertozzi / BuzzFeed

"Free health care, free beauty care, free cock care, whatever that means," New York proclaimed. "Just everything would be for free. It would be the biggest celebration ever. I mean like, ever. I would be the best president to do it!"

3. She'd give the Oval Office a long-overdue makeover.

Macey J. Foronda / David Bertozzi / BuzzFeed

First off, New York says she's decking out the place "in nothing but Swarovski crystals." But the fun doesn't stop there! There'd be leopard print AND lace too. "It'd be like Liberace came back to life," New York said.



4. And don't worry, she'd know how to keep members of her cabinet in line if any of them acted ~naughty~.

Macey J. Foronda / David Bertozzi / BuzzFeed

"And then the ones with the big dicks? I would fuck them."

Now THAT, ladies and gentlemen, is REAL homeland security!

5. Pass that blunt, because New York is all about LEGALIZING IT. Decriminalizing marijuana would be her first act in office!

Macey J. Foronda / David Bertozzi / BuzzFeed

"Higher than airplanes, higher than the sky, higher than clouds. Just so, so high that we're all gonna beam up," her HBIC-ness said.

6. And trust us, she'd have the most awesome first husband ever...HATE IT OR LOVE IT!

Macey J. Foronda / Charlotte Gomez / BuzzFeed / Getty / Thinkstock

First of all, New York asked us if she could only have one FHOTUS. I mean girl, you're the president, you get to make the rules. But she went with The Game as her primary man, because why not?

"I'm not gonna lie, I do fantasize about The Game," New York said. "He is such a hardass!"

7. Y'all better watch out, because the infamous Sister Patterson would be New York's choice for veep.

Macey J. Foronda / David Bertozzi / BuzzFeed

"How could I not? Do I even need to get vocal on this?" New York asked.

I mean, Sister Patterson could settle ALL the conflict in the Middle East with one of her patented fiery glares. "Pollard/Patterson 2016" has a nice ring to it, doesn't it?


9. And she can keep up with the Kardashians.

Macey J. Foronda / Charlotte Gomez / BuzzFeed / Getty

"How could you not love them? They're ladies, they're making paper, most of them are brunette," New York said. "I'm down for it, and they have hella ass." Hmmm, maybe she could tap Kim to be her secretary of state?


10. She's also here for all-denim outfits, so you KNOW she's going to look 🔥 at her Inaugural Ball!

Macey J. Foronda / David Bertozzi / BuzzFeed

"But we need to leave them damn mom jeans alone," New York said. Let's be real, you KNOW she could push that bill through Congress!

12. And most important of all, she's all about turning UP and lowering that drinking age!

Macey J. Foronda / David Bertozzi / BuzzFeed

Real talk though, she's all for lowering the drinking age to 16, like it is in Europe (for beer and wine, at least). #Responsibility

13. Like any inspiring leader, New York is all about cashing those CHECKS and a ROBUST economy!

Macey J. Foronda / David Bertozzi / BuzzFeed

She wants to make a hundred billion zillion dollars in her first 100 days in office. IDK how many zeros that is... but it's a lot!

"Then I wanna give up! I'll give it back to you Obama," New York said.

Now that, my friends, is true leadership!


14. I mean, we might as well give Ben Franklin the boot and get New York on the hundred-dollar bill at this point, right?

15. You know she'd be commanding respect at G-8 summits, because she'd have Vladimir Putin and Angela Merkel calling her by her PROPER title:

16. You're probably asking, "OK, so she's HBIC. But what REALLY qualifies New York for office?" Well, she's a PEOPLE person, for starters.

Macey J. Foronda / David Bertozzi / BuzzFeed

"I love people. I care for people," New York said (this doesn't hold true if you spit at her like Pumkin did, in which case New York will TAKE YOU OUT.) "We all have basic needs!"

New York's polling must be off the charts, right?

17. And if you were sitting on the fence, well, her campaign theme song will have you adding a "New York 4 President" bumper sticker to your car in no time.

Every. Tasty. Video. EVER. The new Tasty app is here!