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A Definitive Ranking Of The "Harry Potter" Books

If you think we're a bunch of Squibs, you get to re-rank them!

by ,

7. Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets


Enchanting because... this was the most shit-yourself-terrifying book of them all. The basilisk? Aragog? All the Petrifying? At a school, nonetheless! And yet Harry, Ron, and Hermione were up to their patented hijinks.

Made us want to be Muggles when... a fucking DIARY was the villain all along? OK, so it was a Horcrux in the end but at the time, we were left scratching our heads.

6. Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban


Enchanting because... we got to meet Sirius Black, the most badass character in the series. Oh, and he's Harry's godfather? BEST PLOT TWIST EVER.

Made us want to be Muggles when... Aunt Marge showed up. Yeah, the Dursleys suck, no one is going to argue that. But Marge is like pretty much the worst Aunt in history. Seriously, she's worse than Voldemort. SMDH.

5. Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix


Enchanting because... Luna Lovegood. Need we say more?

Made us want to be Muggles when... Harry was cranky as fuck for literally the entire book. Seriously Harry, have a glass of Butterbeer or something, because you need to CHILL your ass out.

4. Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone


Enchanting because... it's the first book, duh! The one that cast a spell over us all... forever! And you ALWAYS remember your first. ;)

Made us want to be Muggles when... it was so damn short. Seriously, "just" over 300 pages? Don't cheap out on us, J.K.!!! It left us wanting a LOT more. Luckily, we still had six books to go.

3. Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince


Enchanting because... we were left wondering the entire time WHO the Half-Blood Prince was. Then, he revealed himself... changing the entire course of the series! Heavy stuff, indeed. But would we expect anything less from Severus Snape?

Made us want to be Muggles when... Dumbledore died. SERIOUSLY, WHY?!?!

2. Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire


Enchanting because... while there was no Quidditch (except at the World Cup, siiiiiiiick) there WAS the Triwizard Tournament, aka the spectacular competition that put all of our high school sports escapades to shame. Seriously, who cares about your exploits on the soccer field when Harry narrowly dodged a Hungarian Horntail?

Made us want to be Muggles when... Hermione founded S.P.E.W. Or when Cedric died. Each was cripplingly painful, nay, HEART WRENCHING to read.

1. Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows


Enchanting because... where do you even begin? The final trip from the Dursleys? The escape from Malfoy Manor? The Gringotts escapades? Oh, and need we mention the Battle of Hogwarts? The final book in the series was like shot after shot of Firewhiskey: you didn't know if your body could take any more, but you wanted more anyway.

Made us want to be Muggles when... Ron was gone. Who knew we would miss him THAT much! But for most of the entire first half of the book, Harry and Hermione are on a SLOG together, and unfortunately we the readers are along for the snoozefest of a ride. Once our magical trio reunites, the pace picks up, culminating in the thrilling Battle of Hogwarts. #blessed

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