Hi. My name is Sam, and as you can see...I take my Disney movies very, very SERIOUSLY.
So when I watched Disney's classic The Little Mermaid for the first time in AGES, I wasn't surprised that I had a few more questions than answers regarding the movie. Disney...I need to know what the hell is going on.
1.First of all, I need to know who let this guy on Prince Eric's boat to begin with. I don't like to judge a book by its cover but...the application process to be on a royal ship seems to be lax, at best. He's sketchy!
2.Also, why the hell is Prince Eric sailing around on this big-ass ship?! Grimsby mentions a princess that Eric didn't take a shine to, but it also could be a fishing boat?! And there are cannons on the ship too?! I'm not a nautical expert by any means but I feel like there's a lot going on here.
3.I'd also like to know where Eric's parents are. He's sailing around the ocean WILLY NILLY. Who is running the kingdom while he's off seeing the world?! It seems like he's shirking his royal duties to me.
4.Speaking of parenting, what are the odds that Triton has SEVEN daughters in a row (not to mention the fact that they spend their time in a glorified girl group...that doesn't seem like the most productive use of their free time?).
5.Ariel has a HABIT of skipping rehearsal, so why is Sebastian surprised when she doesn't turn up for her big performance?! She has clearly established she will show up tardy at BEST.
6.I know I'm not the first person to ask this, but why is Flounder named "Flounder" if he isn't in fact a flounder?! What were his parents thinking?!
7.If Ariel doesn't know what a fork is, then does that mean merpeople don't have utensils, and if that's the case, how do they eat? That just seems like you're ASKING for a mess!
8.OK, I'm not a psychologist..........but King Triton kind of has a weird obsession with his youngest daughter, no?! Like he has seven children but all he thinks about is how she spends her free time. Kind of creepy, TBH!
9.ALSO WHERE IS ARIEL'S MOTHER? (I THINK SHE'S DEAD BUT THEY NEVER REALLY MENTION HER AT ALL.) THIS MOVIE WOULD HAVE WRAPPED UP IN 15 MINUTES IF SHE WERE AROUND.
10.I'm no expert, but how does Ariel's hair stay so perfect under water?! I need to know what product she is using.
11.Call me a Debbie Downer, but I just don't think having a FIREWORKS show on a WOODEN SHIP is exactly the best idea. How did Grimsby not shut this one down right away?!
12.Speaking of Grimsby, why does he look like a background character in Hamilton and not someone who is spending time on the open ocean for weeks on end?! Fashionable, but not practical!
13.More of an observation, but as someone who spends a fair amount of time at the beach, this pose just seems uncomfortable. How did Ariel not scrape herself or throw her back out?!
14.I don't mean to be too critical, but it was literally Sebastian's ONE JOB to keep an eye on Ariel, and instead he has a full-on Broadway number and loses track of her. How has he kept a job in the royal palace for so long?!
15.Ursula's and Ariel's makeup is BEAT to perfection. How does it not wash away under the sea?!
16.Another question that's been asked before, but it bears worth repeating. If Ariel can read and write (she checks out Ursula's contract and signs it) then why doesn't she explain her whole predicament to Prince Eric via writing?
17.OK, so the middle portrait on Prince Eric's wall *KIND OF* looks like Prince Philip and Princess Aurora. Is Eric related to them?
18.Again, I don't want to be telling anyone how to live their life, but I feel like Ariel was moving kind of slow to get that kiss from Prince Eric. She only had three days, and here she is taking a leisurely stroll of the kingdom and meandering trip on a rowboat. Put the pedal to the metal, girl!!!
19.A little off topic, but WHAT is King Triton's workout routine?! Ariel wasn't the only one screaming "DADDY" while watching this movie! I need to know!
20.OK, I don't know the rules of merpeople magic, but couldn't King Triton just change Ariel back and forth from human to mermaid whenever she wanted? She went back and forth a few times during the movie; who's to say she can't do it again?
21.And finally, does anyone else think Ariel is kind of the worst? She was willing to throw her ENTIRE group of family and friends away just because she was dickmatized by the first human thot she ever laid eyes on. I mean, slow your roll, girl!