Hey guys. My name is Sam and as you can see, I take my Disney movies pretty seriously. Maybe *TOO* seriously.
So when I watched Disney's seminal classic Beauty and the Beast for the first time in a while, it wasn't surprising that I had more than a few questions regarding the movie. Disney...what the hell is going on?!
1.First of all, when the Enchantress knocks on the castle door, how is it that the prince answers the door himself?! What self-respecting prince answers his own castle door? Don't they teach that in the first class of Royalty 101?!
2.This seems to be a common thread in most Disney movies but...where the hell were the prince's parents?! Shouldn't he at least have a governess or an au pair or something?!
3.Not to harp on this for too long, but the magic rose expires when the prince turns 21, and the narrator says the castle sort of falls dormant for years. So that means at the very least a MOODY SPOILED TEENAGER had free rein of a castle in France!
4.Also, wasn't it kind of a dick move for the Enchantress to curse the ENTIRE castle and its inhabitants? Like, by all means the prince was fair game. But I find it kind of rude to turn the rest of the castle into a bunch of household items, if you ask me!
5.We've discussed this before but...Belle is kind of the worst, no? Like she's kind of demeaning singing, "Little town, full of little people..."
6....and then it continues when she says she wants "more than this provincial life." Like, definitely a good idea to have a five-year plan girl, but no need to shame where you come from!
7.Also can we talk about how all she does is BORROW books from a book STORE?! What kind of racket is she running?! I doubt she's worked an honest day in her life!
8.I was not paying attention in sixth grade biology but...what the hell is LeFou carrying here? It looks like the cross between a cat, a raccoon, and a deer?!
9.I'm also not well-versed in enchanted castle etiquette, but I feel like it's good form to let your guests know that all the household objects talk...which Lumiere does NOT do when Maurice first walks in. What gives?!
10.Even crazier, why does Maurice settle in like nothing in the castle is unusual?! Like if my teapot and cup started talking to me, I would like to know what my tea has been laced with (and where I can get some more LMAO), thank you very much!!!
11.Can Gaston take a hint?!?! Belle would literally rather re-read some dusty old book for the second time than give him the time of day...so planning out a surprise wedding is just creepy, dude!
12.Another question regarding Gaston. Isn't eating all those dozens of eggs every day for years bad for your cholesterol?! Also, why is he eating them RAW with the shell?! Antoni from Queer Eye would have a heart attack (and the way he's going, Gaston might too...)!
13.If the castle crew was trying to feed Belle DISCRETELY without alerting the Beast, why does Lumière put on an elaborate song-and-dance number before she digs in?! Like, she just gave up her entire life, let her eat in peace!
14.What is the Grey Stuff, and is it really *THAT* delicious?! This has been bugging me for years!
15.Another piece of evidence that Belle really is the worst. Why does she decide she has to visit the ONE place in the castle the Beast has made off-limits to her?! Like, was the evil doorknob not a dead giveaway?!
16.I'm very here for a fairytale romance, and I get the desire to not be a walking candlestick/teapot/clock for the rest of your life...but isn't it a LITTLE problematic that these guys are supporting the Beast wooing Belle, who is technically his PRISONER?!
17.Don't get me wrong, Belle has been serving LEWK after LEWK while playing haute couture prisoner but like...where are all these perfectly tailored outfits coming from?!
18.OK, so I'm ALL for the Beast releasing Belle from the castle to go save her father but like, wouldn't it be common courtesy to give the rest of the crew a heads up they'd be remaining as enchanted household objects for the entirety of their lives?! It's just good manners!
19.More of an observation than a question but LeFou's snowman disguise outside of Maurice and Belle's house is...not great!
20.Also, I'm literally GAGGED at Belle shooting down Gaston's offer to marry him in return for springing Maurice out of the asylum, when earlier in the movie she was willing to be the Beast's PRISONER FOR LIFE in return for her father's freedom.
21.How did Gaston go from saying Belle was crazy for saying there is a Beast to 30 seconds later (after seeing him in the enchanted mirror) calling for a crazy field trip to go and kill him?! The dude is swayed a little too easy!
22.I'm not an expert in enchanted kitchenware anatomy, but at the end of the movie we see Chip's tooth is, well, CHIPPED. So why is it that when he is in teacup form, the chip is on the top of his head?!
23.Most important of all, why can I not decide who is hotter: the prince in Beast or human form?! THERE IS NO WRONG ANSWER.
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