So when I watched the criminally underrated Hercules for the first time in years, I wasn't surprised that I had more than a few questions. Disney, I NEED YOU TO GIVE ME THE DAMN ANSWERS.
1.First of all, who do I need to contact about the Muses getting their own spin-off? Because it NEEDS to happen, and you can START by casting Rihanna. I'd settle for an album, TBH.
2.Next, why are Disney Dads so hot? Aladdin's dad...King Triton...Mulan's father...and then you have Zeus' and his Olympic-sized pecs staring you in the face. DAMN DADDY.
3.This scene with the spirits swimming through the River Styx in the Underworld rocked me to the core. Was any movie scene quite as eery and low-key terrifying when we were kids?!
4.On that note, if Hades is always complaining about having to live and work from the Underworld, wouldn't he consider redecorating the place?! It seems a little..........morbid.
5.Another questionable decision on Hades' part: If he's got ONE shot to weaken the baby Hercules, why does he send Pain and Panic, who are CLEARLY incompetent, to do the job?! Seems like a pretty poorly thought out Evil Genius Plan to me!
6.So I don't know what the rules of being an Ancient Greek God are but..........if Zeus rules all the cosmos, is there really NOTHING in his power that he can do to help Hercules when he's sapped of his powers? I mean, all he basically did was drink some evil baby formula. Seems pretty wishy washy to me.
7.OK, when we were kids, was there ANY sicker burn than this? I think not!
8.Why did it take 18 years for Zeus to show up and explain to Hercules who he was and how he could become a hero? Seems like he was holding out a bit...no?
9.The whole "Phil-watching-the-Nymphs-from-the-bushes" thing is a little pervy, especially for a Disney movie...right?!
10.For a city that is being DECIMATED by a hodgepodge of disasters, don't the residents of Thebes seem a LITTLE picky over who is going to save the day?
11.Is "Zero To Hero" the best Disney song ever recorded???????? MAYBS!
12.Seeing as Hades' hair on his head is blue flames, what's his situation down THERE? Like, is he quite literally a fire crotch?
13.You might already know this, but that is Scar, from The Lion King. HOW DID HE DIE TWICE IN DISNEY CONTINUITY?!
14.I'm not Jonathan from Queer Eye so I wouldn't have the answers but how does Meg's hair do that swoopy thing in the back AND the front?!
15.OK, scratch what I had to say before about "Zero To Hero." I need to ask, is "I Won't Say (I'm In Love)" the best Disney song ever?!
16.OK, was anyone else weirded out by Pain and Panic fusing together to turn into a SEXY FLYING HORSE (who even knew there was a such a thing) complete with a BUTT TATTOO?! This is a family movie!
17.Once again, he might be the evil mastermind and not me, but I'm not impressed by Hades' nefarious decision making capabilities. If Meg getting injured was the one way his spell over Hercules could break, wouldn't he do EVERYTHING in his power to make sure she wasn't harmed.
18.Isn't a swirling river of depressed dead spirits kind of morbid for what the afterlife is in a Disney movie?
19.If he's an immortal god, what happens to Hades at the end of the movie?! Like he's pulled down by all these dead spirits...but he doesn't DIE, right?!
20.Can someone explain to me what exactly is going on with Zeus's nipples?! They look like they were drawn by a kindergartner who drank too much grape juice at lunch.
21.AND FINALLY, IF THIS WAS THE WHOLE KEY TO BEING A HERO AND BECOMING A GOD, WHY DID SOMEONE NOT EXPLAIN IT AT THE BEGINNING OF THE MOVIE AND NOT THE VERY LAST MINUTE?!
