1. Listen up, peasants: For too long, the human race has not acknowledged the most fabulous, the classiest, and the most important member of our species. Ina Garten, aka “The Barefoot Contessa,” is our One True Queen, and should be worshipped as such.
WHAT WOULD INA DO???
2. Yes, we all know Ina is HBIC in the kitchen. But it’s about damn time we recognized her as the TRUE AMERICAN ROYALTY that she is.
4. You want FOOLPROOF cookbooks? She’s got those by the bushel, because she doesn’t mess around in the kitchen.
5. They sell like crazy. Like, several have been on the New York Times bestseller list. WHAT ABOUT YOUR FAVES???
6. Then there is her Barefoot Contessa show on Food Network. It’s pretty much the classiest show on TV because Ina ALWAYS serves up swanky Hamptons REALNESS.
7. Basically every other Food Network chef is just LUCKY to be in the presence of her aura. Giada included.
8. Also, can we talk about how CLASSY Ina is on her show? Like, she INSISTS on using “good” ingredients, but she also realizes no one else is on her level.
9. Thank the LORD for her signature catchphrase, “store-bought is fine.”
Because not all of us can afford GOOD vanilla.
10. Truly, she is the epitome of taste.
11. She also makes everything seem SO easy on her show, even though she’s juggling a roast chicken, a flourless chocolate cake, and gourmet mac ‘n’ cheese at the same time.
“How easy was that?” FUCKING DIFFICULT, ACTUALLY. But you nailed it, Ina.
12. Then there is Ina’s impeccable sense of style. She almost always rocks one of her oversized button-down blue shirts. It’s usually chambray, because she’s classy like that.
13. She also knows how to TURN UP way better than all y’all. Get on her level!!!
14. Wait… how have we not mentioned Ina’s husband/man candy Jeffrey yet?
15. Yes, Ina and Jeffrey are WITHOUT A DOUBT THE CUTEST COUPLE EVER. Even though Ina doesn’t know where Jeffrey is half the time.
16. Ladies and gentlemen, THIS is what true love looks like. We should all be so lucky as to marry someone who can cook like Ina.
17. Ina also surrounds herself with a bevy of celebrities, because why would she EVER hang out with petty commoners. Here she is taking a selfie with a fan.
18. Why deal with plebeians when you can chill with Tony winner and Frozen star Idina Menzel? Ina’s friend motto: If you don’t have at least one letter out of an EGOT, get the hell away.
19. Then there are Ina’s gay friends. Let’s just say she’s got more than her fair share.
20. Like, Madonna and Lady Gaga need to stay in their lanes because Ina is a TRUE gay icon.
21. In most people’s free time, they like to pursue pleasurable activities like reading or joining a gym. In Ina’s free time, she likes to guest star on 30 Rock.
Because Ina > you and me.
22. Oh, and she doesn’t just cook amazing food and surround herself with fabulous friends. Ina is also a former White House nuclear energy analyst.
23. Which means she isn’t just WAY more fabulous than you and me. She’s also a certifiable smartypants.
24. Really, everyone else should JUST. STOP. TRYING.
25. Because we need to bow down to Ina Garten, our One True Queen.
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