How Old Are You Actually?

Age is just a number, right?

Jerod Harris / Mike Coppola / Brian To / Getty Chris Ritter / BuzzFeed
  1. Check off everything you have ever done in your life. Like, EVER.
    1. You have pooped in a diaper.
    2. You learned to walk, but maybe fell a few times along the way.
    3. You learned how to use a toilet.
    4. You learned to speak good. Or is it well? Whatever, you can talk.
    5. You have played on a playground, and probably got some scrapes and bruises along the way.
    6. You lost your baby teeth.
    7. You’ve been to a pizza party.
    8. You learned how to color inside the lines.
    9. You learned how to ride a bicycle. No training wheels, woohoo!
    10. You have been on a play date.
    11. You have played a sport in an organized league.
    12. You have had to go through sex-education. It was traumatizing.
    13. Also, you have gone through puberty and thus went through an “awkward phase.”
    14. You have had a crush on someone. Butterflies!
    15. You have kissed someone. It was wet.
    16. You have failed a quiz, a test, or a class. You have failed something.
    17. You have learned to drive a car. It was awesome.
    18. And if you learned how to parallel-park, you are officially a boss.
    19. You can see an R-rated movie on your own. It’s not as exciting as sneaking into the theater.
    20. You have been to a school dance. It was hot, sweaty, and awkward.
    21. You have moved away from home. Scary!
    22. You have tasted alcohol, even though you might not be 21.
    23. You might have even been a little bit tipsy or — gasp — gotten drunk!
    24. You’ve had an adult sexual experience, as opposed to just making out with a stranger at a bar.
    25. That being said, you have made out with a stranger at a bar as well.
    26. You have celebrated a birthday where your parents DIDN’T throw you a party.
    27. You have a resume. It’s mostly bullshit.
    28. You’ve been on an interview and it was quite possibly the most terrifying thing you have ever done
    29. You think about sex. A lot. Like, your mind is dirtier than a gas station restroom in Texas.
    30. You’ve dated someone and hooked up with someone and know the difference between the two.
    31. You do your own laundry, or at least try to.
    32. You can cook for yourself. Eggs and grilled cheese count!
    33. You have lived on your own. Spread those wings!
    34. You have your own pet. It may be a fish, or it may be a dog, but you’re responsible for keeping it alive!
    35. You have had a full-time job. Money in the bank!
    36. But then you had to pay taxes. Ugh, numbers!
    37. You are completely fine with staying in on a Friday night.
    38. Also, drinking alcohol just to get drunk doesn’t sound as good as it used to.
    39. And you’ve probably upgraded to “good” alcohol, like craft beer or wine that costs more than $5 a bottle.
    40. Also, when you get carded when you purchase alcohol, it’s kind of exciting.
    41. You’ve fallen in love and it was amazing.
    42. You’ve had your heart broken, and you had some Ben & Jerry’s to ease the pain.
    43. You pay your own cell phone bill. No more family plan for you!
    44. Hangovers now feel like an eighteen-wheeler ran over your head.
    45. You have been in a serious relationship with someone. Or pizza.
    46. You also have broken up with someone, or been dumped. Either way, it isn’t fun.
    47. Some of your friends have gotten married. It’s the worst.
    48. Also, they’ve had babies. They probably post pics on Facebook.
    49. Your mother at one point or another has asked you why you are not married yet.
    50. Also, she has asked when she will get some grandkids. Just stop, mom!
    51. You are really your own person and don’t really give a fuck about what people think about you.
    52. You’ve made a big move, and it was exciting and scary and fun and stressful, all at the same time.
    53. You’ve been on a vacation somewhere crazy and life-changing, like Europe or a cross-country road trip.
    54. You’re at the point in your life where you know which friends really matter and which don’t.
    55. You have your own business card. They are awesome.
    56. You have noticed a gray hair on your head. Whatever, it’s natural.
    57. You have noticed several gray hairs on your head. PANIC.
    58. You’ve dieted or exercised not because it is a fad, but because you actually want to lose weight.
    59. You think of people younger than you as “youths” or “kids.”
    60. You’ve been in a solid, long-term relationship for longer than a year. Imaginary relationships do NOT count.
    61. You’ve married someone. Bonus points if you are STILL married to them!
    62. There has been some sort of “new” technology you didn’t really understand, but you gave it a try anyway.
    63. You’ve noticed your metabolism isn’t the same as it used to be, aka you can’t have half a pizza consequence-free.
    64. You’re so well established at your job that you feel comfortable pooping in the office.
    65. You’ve thought about having kids. Hey, that biological clock is a-ticking!
    66. You’ve actually HAD kids and it was the most incredible thing to ever happen to you.
    67. You’ve lost someone close to you. It was gut wrenching, but it’s part of life.
    68. You’ve lost your parents, and it’s sad and weird because now you really are calling the shots.
    69. You no longer get carded when you purchase alcohol.
    70. Your body will not cooperate when you try to eat some of your favorite foods. Looking at you, dairy!
    71. You get mail from AARP. #dark
    72. You’ve retired. Yay, no more 9-to-5!
    73. You have grandkids! You most definitely spoil them.
    74. In the past you sort of didn’t give a fuck about what everyone thinks about you. Now you REALLY don’t give a fuck.
    75. You’ve realized life is magical, and while there are some speed bumps along the way, it really is a hell of a ride.

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