All The Disney Princes Ranked From Least Gay To Most Gay
Living happily ever gayer.
Hello. We're Sam and Stephen and we're very, very gay! That means we've spent a *LOT* of time thinking about which Disney princes are gay and which aren't. (The hetties can KEEP John Smith, but we'll claim Li Shang and Hercules for starters.) We know Disney is
very gay — we don't make the rules. Here's our list.
On a scale of 1–gay: 0
Why: With a name like John Smith you know he's just another mediocre straight man (also, problematic!). Also technically not even a prince! Not worth Pocahontas's time.
On a scale of 1–gay: 0.5
Why: The man is getting kissed by women even when he’s a freaking frog. That's almost TOO straight. And Princess Tiana is nobody's beard.
On a scale of 1–gay: 1
Why: Listen, those lips are NOT meant for a straight man. But kissing a comatose woman in the hopes of bringing her back to life? Sorry, that's straight AF.
On a scale of 1–gay: 2
Why: Basically the OG season of The Bachelor. We're sorry but only a straight guy would think going on a nationwide search for his one true love with only a glass slipper is clever/romantic. Sad!
On a scale of 1–gay: 3
Why: You might expect Aladdin to be further down this list, since he and his nipple-free chest are VERY important to the queer community. But Aladdin himself isn’t really that gay! Aladdin’s the kind of guy who’s straight but LOVES his gay fans — and will frequently talk about that time he made out with a dude in college. Aladdin is the Nick Jonas of Disney princes.
On a scale of 1–gay: 4
Why: Okay, Flynn Rider himself really isn’t that gay, but he gets some serious queer points for being named “Flynn Rider.” That’s a gay porn name if we’ve ever heard one. He's the Sean Cody of Disney princes, if you will.
On a scale of 1–gay: 4.5
Why: That hat and cape combination? Our prince is PRIDE ready! But he's willing to fight a dragon to save a princess. The only way a gay man would fight a dragon is for bottomless mimosas at brunch or new Carly Rae Jepsen music.
On a scale of 1–gay: 5
Why: He just can’t wait to be king, but he’s also kind of a queen! Simba’s got a perfectly coiffed mane and a penchant for staring at his own reflection. Also, lions have been known to have gay sex in the wild, so...
On a scale of 1–gay: 6.5
Why: He challenges an entire army of men to climb a gigantic phallic-shaped object to prove their worth, all the while singing the musical number "Be a Man." INTERESTING! Also, those eyebrows are PLUCKED to perfection. Definitely more than a little gay!
On a scale of 1–gay: 7
Why: Prince Adam was a ~confirmed bachelor~ who lived in a meticulously decorated, over-the-top castle and was obsessed with his looks. Basically, he's every West Elm-obsessed design gay (you know the one we're talking about). And as the Beast, he helped bring the bear community into the national spotlight. Pretty gay!
Hans and Kristoff
On a scale of 1–gay: 7.5
Why: We already know Elsa is gay, gay, gay. And then there was that gay spa owner in Frozen. Listen, we're not disputing that Hans *OR* Kristoff could end up with Elsa. But they probably BOTH fall somewhere in the middle of the Kinsey scale. Maybe there's something in the water in Arendelle?
On a scale of 1–gay: 8.5
Why: The muscles. The flowing locks. The loincloth. The dude was practically BUILT to be an Instagram Gay.
On a scale of 1–gay: Gay!
Why: Listen, we *ALL* know what went down in Ancient Greece. On top of that, Hercules is basically every #masc4masc muscle queen you find on your Instagram Discover page. Also, "Go the Distance" is definitely about bottoming for the first time.
On a scale of 1–gay: 1,000,000
Why: Prince Eric is gay, plain and simple. First of all, he was perfectly content to marry a woman who literally never spoke — that’s what we call a beard. And he refused to ~kiss the girl~, even when an entire chorus of sea creatures was begging him to do it. Those well-manicured eyebrows and sculpted chest aren’t fooling anyone, Eric. We love a gay-as-hell prince!!! Nostalgia Trip
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