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14 Foods To Totally Avoid On Valentine's Day

It's for the best.

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1. Assorted cheeses.

Because you'll fart.
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Because you'll fart.

2. Steamed broccoli.

Because you'll toot.
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Because you'll toot.

3. A hefty ice cream sundae.

Because you'll pass gas.
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Because you'll pass gas.

4. Any amount of refried beans.

Because you'll break wind.
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Because you'll break wind.

5. Cabbage, in any of its iterations.

Because you'll poot.
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Because you'll poot.

6. A nice, big bowl of prunes.

Because your butt will sing a tune.
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Because your butt will sing a tune.

7. Slightly damp Brussels sprouts.

Because you'll let one rip.
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Because you'll let one rip.

8. Some spicy chili ( that doesn't have to look like dog food, but it's encouraged).

Because it'll make you float an air biscuit.
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Because it'll make you float an air biscuit.

9. A thick glass of milk.

Because your pants will suddenly star in Whiplash.
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Because your pants will suddenly star in Whiplash.

10. A sensual bunch of asparagus.

Because not only will you rip one, you'll also ruin your urine.
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Because not only will you rip one, you'll also ruin your urine.

11. A large crock of baked beans.

Because you'll get ready to rumblllllllllllllle.
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Because you'll get ready to rumblllllllllllllle.

12. Roasted root veggies.

Because your new theme song will be "Turnip For What," and no one will like it.
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Because your new theme song will be "Turnip For What," and no one will like it.

13. Corn, in any capacity.

Because your farts will come with a natural confetti.
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Because your farts will come with a natural confetti.

14. A juicy steak, especially if hellfire is still cooking it.

Because your meat sweats will ruin your chance of love. Plus, it's clearly still cooking.
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Because your meat sweats will ruin your chance of love. Plus, it's clearly still cooking.

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