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26 Things You Wish You Could Tell Your Younger Self About Queer Sex

It's not all lube and butt plugs (but, yeah, those are important, too).

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We asked members of the BuzzFeed Community what they wish they had known about queer sex before they had it.

Here's what they said. (And FYI, a lot of these apply to all sex-having humans, regardless of sexual orientation or gender identity.)

1. Don't be afraid to tell someone exactly what you want.

giphy.com

"Your partner is not psychic (probably), and they cannot read your mind (also probably). TELL them what feels good. Don't fake anything because then they'll keep doing that thing you hate."

—La Viola Viva Ward, Facebook

2. When it comes to trying sex toys, start small.

"When using a sex toy for the first time, start out small (I'd say 1" thickness at the most) and use plenty of lube. Take it slow, and don't rush yourself or your partner, you'll regret it if you do."—Katie Grosso, Facebook
Instagram: @nailpopllc / Via instagram.com

"When using a sex toy for the first time, start out small (I'd say 1" thickness at the most) and use plenty of lube. Take it slow, and don't rush yourself or your partner, you'll regret it if you do."

—Katie Grosso, Facebook

3. And use (way) more lube.

"Heterosexual propaganda has given you a really unrealistic idea of how penetration works and you should be using about 500% more lube otherwise it'll HURT."—Kayla Bashe, FacebookGet this print for $4 at Etsy.
etsy.com / Via etsy.me

"Heterosexual propaganda has given you a really unrealistic idea of how penetration works and you should be using about 500% more lube otherwise it'll HURT."

—Kayla Bashe, Facebook

Get this print for $4 at Etsy.

4. Take it slow so you can really enjoy your partner.

"Don't overthink things and freak yourself out. Take your time — seriously slow. down. Enjoy every inch of her!"—Alisha Ann, Facebook
Instagram: @amalsd / Via instagram.com

"Don't overthink things and freak yourself out. Take your time — seriously slow. down. Enjoy every inch of her!"

—Alisha Ann, Facebook

5. "Queer sex does not have to resemble heterosexual sex to be valid."

"Your concepts of virginity, intercourse, and hooking up are yours to define. Remember that the way you feel is more real than any gender role will ever be."—Dana Vigue, Facebook
Instagram: @queersexualitea / Via instagram.com

"Your concepts of virginity, intercourse, and hooking up are yours to define. Remember that the way you feel is more real than any gender role will ever be."

—Dana Vigue, Facebook

6. Consent can be hot.

"Girls love consent. Guys love consent. Everyone loves consent. It's hot. Always ask. Be inches away from their lips and ask if you can kiss them. Slide your fingers across the edge of their waistband and ask if you can touch them. Trust me, it's awesome. And it's chill if they say no. That's why you asked. Duh." —Jessica Esteves, Facebook
Instagram: @smuconduck / Via instagram.com

"Girls love consent. Guys love consent. Everyone loves consent. It's hot. Always ask. Be inches away from their lips and ask if you can kiss them. Slide your fingers across the edge of their waistband and ask if you can touch them. Trust me, it's awesome. And it's chill if they say no. That's why you asked. Duh."

—Jessica Esteves, Facebook

7. If you're nervous, let your partner know.

Comedy Central / Via reddit.com

"Explain why. It's not embarrassing, it's endearing and sincere. If they care and if they're worthy of your time, they want to know and they want you to feel safe. If they start to push or manipulate, bail. That's bullshit and you don't take that kind of shit."

—Jessica Esteves, Facebook

8. Most porn probably isn't that realistic.

BET / youtube.com / Via giphy.com

"Don’t watch porn and think that’s how sex goes."

Miss Andri

9. But porn by and for LGBTQ people: 👍

http://lostangelesblog.com/2015/03/11/bachcap-finale-nothing-corn-can-stay/
http://lostangelesblog.com/2015/03/11/bachcap-finale-nothing-corn-can-stay/

"Don't try and watch porn fetishizing your identity for straight people and assume that's how sex is supposed to be...If you really want to watch porn to get pointers I can give you one bit of solid advice: Watch porn made by LGBTQ people FOR LGBTQ people. It will make all the difference in the world and maybe something will click for you."

—Alexandria Danielle Horner, Facebook

10. "It's okay to not like certain things during sex."

"It's okay not to like penetration, even though heterosexual porn (even lesbian porn is made for straight guys to get off on) has told you for years that the end goal of all sex is penetration."—Kaden Shook, Facebook
VH1 / Via vh1.tumblr.com

"It's okay not to like penetration, even though heterosexual porn (even lesbian porn is made for straight guys to get off on) has told you for years that the end goal of all sex is penetration."

—Kaden Shook, Facebook

11. It's okay to be asexual or demisexual.

"It is okay and perfectly normal to not feel the same tingly sexual attraction that most of society feels. When the rest of the world is sexualizing every last thing, don’t feel broken because you don’t get it. Your body is yours, proudly read it as is. Asexuality is a real spectrum; it's okay to not desire sex or feel sexual attraction. "And yes, some aces and demis do have and enjoy intercourse."—c4ede46b8aGet this embroidery hoop art for $20 at Etsy.
etsy.com / Via etsy.me

"It is okay and perfectly normal to not feel the same tingly sexual attraction that most of society feels. When the rest of the world is sexualizing every last thing, don’t feel broken because you don’t get it. Your body is yours, proudly read it as is. Asexuality is a real spectrum; it's okay to not desire sex or feel sexual attraction.

"And yes, some aces and demis do have and enjoy intercourse."

c4ede46b8a

Get this embroidery hoop art for $20 at Etsy.

12. One word: foreplay.

"I honestly wish someone had taught me foreplay. I didn't learn about it until much later in life and I just assumed (from watching porn) that people were horny and ready to go!"—Mike Kimball, Facebook
Instagram: @bedsider / Via instagram.com

"I honestly wish someone had taught me foreplay. I didn't learn about it until much later in life and I just assumed (from watching porn) that people were horny and ready to go!"

—Mike Kimball, Facebook

13. Embarrassing (and noisy) bodily functions do happen.

"Someone will fart at some point. Laugh at it, have fun, and move on."—Jonathan Andrew Brown, Facebook
NBC / Via millsbizz.tumblr.com

"Someone will fart at some point. Laugh at it, have fun, and move on."

—Jonathan Andrew Brown, Facebook

14. "You can have sex before you are in a relationship. That's it."

Get this temporary tattoo for $6 at Etsy.—Raymundo Ochoa, Facebook
etsy.com / Via etsy.me

Get this temporary tattoo for $6 at Etsy.

—Raymundo Ochoa, Facebook

15. Keep your fingernails trimmed.

"Here's something I wish someone had told me about sex with women before I started having it: TRIM YOUR DAMN NAILS!"—Maria Alejandra, Facebook
Instagram: @objectreality / Via instagram.com

"Here's something I wish someone had told me about sex with women before I started having it: TRIM YOUR DAMN NAILS!"

—Maria Alejandra, Facebook

16. It's also okay if you don't want to have sex.

—Owyn Cooper, FacebookGet this pinf or $1.50 at Etsy.
etsy.com / Via etsy.me

—Owyn Cooper, Facebook

Get this pinf or $1.50 at Etsy.

17. "Breathe through your mouth while giving cunnilingus."

—Laura Kokkonen, Facebook
Instagram: @banginart / Via instagram.com

—Laura Kokkonen, Facebook

18. Just because you're butch, it doesn't mean you always have to top or shouldn't enjoy penetration.

"It’s okay to take your pants off too, it doesn’t need to be only about her. Just because you’re butch also doesn’t mean that you can’t enjoy penetration."—joanlarkin122Get this mug for $25 at Etsy.
etsy.com / Via etsy.me

"It’s okay to take your pants off too, it doesn’t need to be only about her. Just because you’re butch also doesn’t mean that you can’t enjoy penetration."

joanlarkin122

Get this mug for $25 at Etsy.

19. There's nothing shameful or wrong with wanting to bottom.

"Try to separate your judgment of sexual acts from society's views. Being a 'bottom' is not shameful or de-masculinizing; if it’s something you like, that’s great. Don’t let society or your partner tell you you’re somehow lesser or weaker because your the one being penetrated. Remember: Without a bottom there is no top."—Zlfg13
Instagram: @robbydobbydont / Via instagram.com

"Try to separate your judgment of sexual acts from society's views. Being a 'bottom' is not shameful or de-masculinizing; if it’s something you like, that’s great. Don’t let society or your partner tell you you’re somehow lesser or weaker because your the one being penetrated. Remember: Without a bottom there is no top."

Zlfg13

20. "ALWAYS use protection. Safe sex is better than putting yourself at risk."

NBC / Via giphy.com

21. No always means no, even to your partner.

"Just because you’re in a relationship (no matter how long you’ve been together) it doesn’t mean that they can’t rape you."—bstarrrrr13
Instagram: @theaviationblonde / Via instagram.com

"Just because you’re in a relationship (no matter how long you’ve been together) it doesn’t mean that they can’t rape you."

bstarrrrr13

22. Let yourself have an orgasm.

Faith Holland / Via giphy.com

"I wish someone would have told me not to hold it in. It took me over six years of having sex to have an orgasm, and that’s because the sensation that I would feel right before I would have orgasmed felt like I was going to pee on myself so I would hold it in. As soon as I decided not to, I discovered something magical!"

BettyHdz

23. Remember the clit.

“'Play with your clit. There is nothing wrong with that and you won’t go to hell for doing that.' —Me to younger me."—julieb4395d4e2d
Instagram: @look_at_this_pusssy / Via instagram.com

“'Play with your clit. There is nothing wrong with that and you won’t go to hell for doing that.'

—Me to younger me."

julieb4395d4e2d

24. Take some time to clean up, particularly if you’re going to be rimmed/rimming/having anal sex.

Cartoon Network / Via giphy.com

"I know it takes the spontaneity out of it, but it also will help prevent nasty accidents. Once you’ve met someone that you feel comfortable being that spontaneous with, then go for it. Until then, prep. You don’t want your first time to go sour because there was a shitty accident."

chriss110

25. Use a butt plug to prep for anal sex.

"Prep with a butt plug an hour or two before anal. Your body gets used to feeling full and the stimulation, and you’ll minimize pain during sex. Plus, it helps get you mentally prepared and in the mood."—summeramanouchi
Instagram: @shethinx / Via instagram.com

"Prep with a butt plug an hour or two before anal. Your body gets used to feeling full and the stimulation, and you’ll minimize pain during sex. Plus, it helps get you mentally prepared and in the mood."

summeramanouchi

26. And you are the only person who gets to define your sexuality.

"You do not actually have to have had sex with a woman to be bisexual. Ignore the people that tell you different. It’s not a phase. Don’t let them diminish who you are."—laurenhollytriffo
Instagram: @paigegrrrl / Via instagram.com

"You do not actually have to have had sex with a woman to be bisexual. Ignore the people that tell you different. It’s not a phase. Don’t let them diminish who you are."

laurenhollytriffo

Responses have been edited for clarity and/or length.

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