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26 Things You Wish You Could Tell Your Younger Self About Queer Sex

It's not all lube and butt plugs (but, yeah, those are important, too).

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We asked members of the BuzzFeed Community what they wish they had known about queer sex before they had it.

Here's what they said. (And FYI, a lot of these apply to all sex-having humans, regardless of sexual orientation or gender identity.)

1. Don't be afraid to tell someone exactly what you want.

"Your partner is not psychic (probably), and they cannot read your mind (also probably). TELL them what feels good. Don't fake anything because then they'll keep doing that thing you hate."

—La Viola Viva Ward, Facebook

2. When it comes to trying sex toys, start small.

Instagram: @nailpopllc / Via

"When using a sex toy for the first time, start out small (I'd say 1" thickness at the most) and use plenty of lube. Take it slow, and don't rush yourself or your partner, you'll regret it if you do."

—Katie Grosso, Facebook

3. And use (way) more lube. / Via

"Heterosexual propaganda has given you a really unrealistic idea of how penetration works and you should be using about 500% more lube otherwise it'll HURT."

—Kayla Bashe, Facebook

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5. "Queer sex does not have to resemble heterosexual sex to be valid."

Instagram: @queersexualitea / Via

"Your concepts of virginity, intercourse, and hooking up are yours to define. Remember that the way you feel is more real than any gender role will ever be."

—Dana Vigue, Facebook

6. Consent can be hot.

Instagram: @smuconduck / Via

"Girls love consent. Guys love consent. Everyone loves consent. It's hot. Always ask. Be inches away from their lips and ask if you can kiss them. Slide your fingers across the edge of their waistband and ask if you can touch them. Trust me, it's awesome. And it's chill if they say no. That's why you asked. Duh."

—Jessica Esteves, Facebook

7. If you're nervous, let your partner know.

Comedy Central / Via

"Explain why. It's not embarrassing, it's endearing and sincere. If they care and if they're worthy of your time, they want to know and they want you to feel safe. If they start to push or manipulate, bail. That's bullshit and you don't take that kind of shit."

—Jessica Esteves, Facebook


9. But porn by and for LGBTQ people: 👍

"Don't try and watch porn fetishizing your identity for straight people and assume that's how sex is supposed to be...If you really want to watch porn to get pointers I can give you one bit of solid advice: Watch porn made by LGBTQ people FOR LGBTQ people. It will make all the difference in the world and maybe something will click for you."

—Alexandria Danielle Horner, Facebook

10. "It's okay to not like certain things during sex."

VH1 / Via

"It's okay not to like penetration, even though heterosexual porn (even lesbian porn is made for straight guys to get off on) has told you for years that the end goal of all sex is penetration."

—Kaden Shook, Facebook

11. It's okay to be asexual or demisexual. / Via

"It is okay and perfectly normal to not feel the same tingly sexual attraction that most of society feels. When the rest of the world is sexualizing every last thing, don’t feel broken because you don’t get it. Your body is yours, proudly read it as is. Asexuality is a real spectrum; it's okay to not desire sex or feel sexual attraction.

"And yes, some aces and demis do have and enjoy intercourse."


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12. One word: foreplay.

Instagram: @bedsider / Via

"I honestly wish someone had taught me foreplay. I didn't learn about it until much later in life and I just assumed (from watching porn) that people were horny and ready to go!"

—Mike Kimball, Facebook


18. Just because you're butch, it doesn't mean you always have to top or shouldn't enjoy penetration. / Via

"It’s okay to take your pants off too, it doesn’t need to be only about her. Just because you’re butch also doesn’t mean that you can’t enjoy penetration."


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19. There's nothing shameful or wrong with wanting to bottom.

Instagram: @robbydobbydont / Via

"Try to separate your judgment of sexual acts from society's views. Being a 'bottom' is not shameful or de-masculinizing; if it’s something you like, that’s great. Don’t let society or your partner tell you you’re somehow lesser or weaker because your the one being penetrated. Remember: Without a bottom there is no top."



22. Let yourself have an orgasm.

Faith Holland / Via

"I wish someone would have told me not to hold it in. It took me over six years of having sex to have an orgasm, and that’s because the sensation that I would feel right before I would have orgasmed felt like I was going to pee on myself so I would hold it in. As soon as I decided not to, I discovered something magical!"



24. Take some time to clean up, particularly if you’re going to be rimmed/rimming/having anal sex.

Cartoon Network / Via

"I know it takes the spontaneity out of it, but it also will help prevent nasty accidents. Once you’ve met someone that you feel comfortable being that spontaneous with, then go for it. Until then, prep. You don’t want your first time to go sour because there was a shitty accident."


25. Use a butt plug to prep for anal sex.

Instagram: @shethinx / Via

"Prep with a butt plug an hour or two before anal. Your body gets used to feeling full and the stimulation, and you’ll minimize pain during sex. Plus, it helps get you mentally prepared and in the mood."


26. And you are the only person who gets to define your sexuality.

Instagram: @paigegrrrl / Via

"You do not actually have to have had sex with a woman to be bisexual. Ignore the people that tell you different. It’s not a phase. Don’t let them diminish who you are."


Responses have been edited for clarity and/or length.

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