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23 Times Parents Taught Their Kids About Sex And Were So Extra

"Let me just say I will NEVER be able to look at two plums placed next to each other the same way again."

We recently asked members of the BuzzFeed Community to tell us how the adults in their lives explained the birds and the bees.

Here's what they said:

1. This horse visual that's worth a thousand words:

Middelveld / Getty Images

"The only sex talk I was given was in fourth grade when my dad drove me three hours away to this farm where he gets his racehorses bred. Long story short, we get there and he has me watch a stallion mount a dummy for its semen to be collected. Upon seeing the horrified look on my face afterward, my dad goes, 'Welcome to the miracle of life.' And that was that. He didn't say a word to me the whole rest of the trip. I don't even know if that counts as 'the talk' because all I learned that day was that horses have massive dongs and wanking them off is gross."


2. And this talk that uses canine sexuality as a convenient in:

Atlantic_adv / Getty Images

"My mom sat me down...Mind you I'd known about sex for years. She then proceeded to explain how dogs have sex, then said 'Imagine them as humans.'"


3. This euphemistic dodge:

Ipggutenbergukltd / Getty Images

"I thought for a while sex could only be done with a married couple, except I have a cousin whose parents I knew weren't married when they had her. My mom just told me my uncle and his girlfriend 'slept together.' Until I was 15 — FIFTEEN — I thought you could get pregnant by sleeping in the same bed as a boy."


4. This epic twofer:

Hasloo / Getty Images

"When I was about nine, my mom and I were on our way to church. For some reason we were talking about how I knew Santa wasn't real. Randomly she interjects and says, 'So, you know about sex, too?'

I responded 'yes.'

We never spoke of it again. But it was like she was pulling off a Band-Aid. Didn't want to tell me Santa wasn't real, didn't want to tell me that sex existed."


5. The ol' captive audience trick:

NBC / Via

"When I was about 12, out of the blue while I was in the car with my mum, she randomly said to open the glove box. I did, and then she proceeded to tell me to look for a book. I picked up the book and saw it said 'puberty.' I asked Mum what it was and she said, 'Read it.'

Let's just say that that car ride was the worst as my mum proceeded to explain every picture and diagram she saw in her peripheral vision, and it was an hour-and-a-half journey."


6. This very artistic anatomy lesson:

Instagram: @gvartwork / Via

"I was 12 years old when I started my period. So, my father decided now would probably be a good time to have the birds and the bees talk. He sat me down on the couch, grabbed my little brother's Etch a Sketch, and proceeded to draw pictures of male and female anatomy, and explain to me exactly how sex works. Really, Dad? You couldn't have taken out of piece of paper?"


7. And this creative use of stick figures:

Sally Tamarkin / Getty Images

"My mom was explaining how sex worked to my nine-year-old brother. She was drawing stick figures to help him understand when five-year-old me walked in. I ran over and looked at my mom's drawings and was horrified. I ran out of the room screaming and crying. To this day my mom and I still don't know why I did this."


8. This embarrassing AF group project:

VH1 / Via

"My parents were pretty much all or nothing when it came to my sisters’ and my education — sex talk or otherwise. Despite us all being at varying ages, my parents only intended on doing everything ONCE. For example, when my oldest sister had the very real need for a training bra in middle school, I got one too, despite the fact that I was in the fourth grade.

When it came time for 'the talk' (whether or not we needed it), we ALL had to read the What’s Happening to My Body? Book for Girls. I’m told from the book’s cover, which is now scorched into my mind forever, that’s it’s the 'new edition,' but it was clearly from the 1970s, complete with illustrations of women’s bodies and their bushes.

However, we didn’t just have to read it. OH NO. We all had to provide book reports with complete chapter summaries back to our father. 'Awkward' does not even begin to describe it. Somehow I got my oldest sister to write the last bits of my report for me, so this remains the WORST group project of my life. And I guess I’ll never know how that book does end."


9. This amazing bait and switch:

Bravo / Via

"Growing up, my mom was very open with me about sex. She talked about waiting for the right time and using protection and whatnot. Seriously, I don't remember how young I was when she started talking to me about it, but it was a pretty constant thing. She always ended the conversation with, 'You can talk to me about anything. If the day comes that you think you're ready for sex, let me know and I'll get you birth control and condoms.'

Fast forward to my sophomore year of high school. I was in my first serious relationship. Me and my boyfriend had been talking about having sex for the first time. After a while I sat my mom down and told her I needed her help getting on birth control. She was completely mortified, she covered her face with her hands, and said, 'I thought I was strong enough for this but I'm not, I'm sorry, but I can't do this for you. Go talk to one of your aunts, I know they will be able to help you.' I was like 'Seriously!? You said to come to you when I was ready!'

Ultimately I waited to lose my virginity until I was old enough to go to the doctor by myself. To this day we laugh about her reaction."


10. This disappointment that nonetheless resulted in some safer sex ed:

@petrick_23 / Via

"I was at the doctor when I was nine and saw a basket of candy on the front desk. I walked up and grabbed a fistful and brought them back to where my mom was sitting. I proceeded to open one, realize it was not candy, hand it to my mom, and ask what it was. That's how I learned what condoms were and why / how people used them..."


11. This talk that ruined fruit forever:

@enindl / Via

"When I was nine my dad gave me the 'talk.' It was uncomfortable and all but he had these BOOKS. They compared stuff to fruit and crap. Let me just say I will NEVER be able to look at two plums placed next to each other the same way again."


12. This extremely literal (and not-so-inclusive) analogy:

Brittakokemor / Getty Images

"I was in 8th grade, and sitting in my Catholic confirmation class. The deacon walks into the room and we had already known we were going to be talking about sex. He begins the lecture with comparing the male anatomy to a plug and the female anatomy to a socket. He explained to us that you need a plug and a socket to make it work. You can't have two plugs, and you can't have two sockets. A bunch of teenagers trying not to crack up. As if being a teenager wasn't already awkward enough."


13. This horrifying introduction to what periods are:

Disney / Via

"I was about nine when my father decided to enlighten me about my period whilst we were watching an Anne Frank movie. They showed her period had started and there was blood on her sheets. He asked me if I knew what that was about. A nose bleed, surely, was what I thought. He drags me into the next room and pops open an encyclopedia to a page that contained a diagram of a uterus. He tells me when I grow up, blood is going to squeeze out of that organ every month till I die. Needless to say, I went to bed crying that I didn't want to grow up."


14. This winning combo of parent-provided info and fanfic that gets down to the nitty gritty.

Rebecca Hendin / BuzzFeed / Via

"My mother gave me the whole, 'this is what a period is, this is what your reproductive organs are, and this is a penis yadda yadda yadda' talk. She didn't give me the sex talk though. I had no idea how sex 'worked.' I learned how sex 'worked' by reading fanfiction. That's like one step up from learning about sex from porn. Thank god all the stories I read had really accurate authors. That's also where I learned how to put a condom on a guy."


15. This bio 101 class taught by Prof. Mom:

@jmpearce94 / Via

"My mom majored in biology, so when the 'talk' came she was very scientific about it. She grabbed paper and drew the organs for me and labeled everything. It was like an actual science class. I didn't know about the actual sex part till later but I could tell you all the science behind it!"


16. This simple explanation that backfired:

@martha_weddings / Via

"My mom told me sex only happened when people were married. I got caught kissing my female best friend in kindergarten. When they asked why we did that, I told them I loved her and we got married. They were stunned. My dad mutters 'well, she's not wrong.'"

(I'm straight and in a committed relationship. Still really funny to think about.)"


17. This too-little-too-late effort:

Universal Pictures / Via

"I went to see Meet the Parents with my mom and girlfriend. In one scene they talk about having premarital relations. My mom shot me an 'OMG' look, but was quiet for the rest of the evening. The next morning she sat me down and had this conversation:

Mom: When two people care about each other...
Me: No, no, no...We are not doing this and I'm not going to talk to you about it!
Mom: Why not!?!?!
Me: Because I'm 22 years old."


18. This church curriculum that left some questions unanswered:

@thebestchristianmemes / Via

"I went to a 'purity' class at my church when I was 13. Examples of the curriculum included giving all the girls a plate of brownies, and then pointing to the last crumbled-up piece at the bottom that everyone had touched and saying 'No one wants that piece.'

I also was genuinely confused about how the menstrual cycle worked, and I got yelled at for asking if you could get pregnant while being on your period. I wasn't trying to find a loophole into having sex in seventh grade, I was just genuinely confused as hell."


19. This minimalist approach:

"When I was thirteen years old, my dad and I were sitting in the car and he said out of nowhere, 'You know about sex right?' I had MANY questions about sex but I was so, so astonished and embarrassed that I just grunted, 'Yeah.' That was the full extent of my sex talk with my parents."

Will Varner

20. This bluntly honest wedding-day real talk:

NBC / Via

"I got the sex talk on the day of my wedding (yeah, my folks are old fashioned). My mom: 'You know it's going to hurt the first time, right? It'll take a while to not be awful.' And.... that was it."

—Colleen Mary Snodgrass, Facebook

21. This classic scare tactic:

Paramount Pictures / Via

"My mom started off by telling me sex is fun, it feels good, and that I'd probably like it a lot, and then ended it by showing me really REALLY graphic pictures of STDs and said 'This is what happens when you have sex though.'"

—Myah Alexi Pickens, Facebook

22. This attempt to blend the dramatic arts with sex ed:

"My mom met with me once a week for a few months so we could read a 'how babies are made' book, only it was written as a play, with dialogue, so I had to read parts that asked my mom questions and she would answer. It literally forced a conversation. And I was 10-11 years old, so the last thing I wanted was to ask follow up questions to this information. Looking back it was really the oddest thing."

—Kara Pearson, Facebook

23. And this PG-13-rated explanation:

Getty Images

"When I was eight, I heard a classmate say the word 'sex'. So I asked my mom what it meant. She says 'Sex is when two people that like each other kiss each other while naked.' That's it. That was my sex talk."

—Danielle Jane, Facebook

Responses have been edited for length and clarity.

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Lixia Guo / BuzzFeed News

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