"Ajnabee" Is The Greatest Movie Of All Time (Don't @ Me)

Akshay Kumar may have just won a National Award, but let's take a moment to remember his best performance ever.

When you get right down to it, all films can broadly be sorted into one of two tiers – films that are good, and films that are turds.

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But every so often, there comes a film SO turdy, so hilariously incompetent at everything it wants to achieve, it attains moksha and enters a new realm – the Ajnabee tier.

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Post-ironic, I think the kids call it.

Yeah, there are many films that are "so bad, they're good". But, dear reader, I propose to you that this 2001 thriller is the gold standard to strive for.

Let's delve a bit, shall we? Remember this iconic scene in Ghost? Have you ever wondered if there's anything that can recreate its raw and visceral sensuality?

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Well, Ajnabee does it by replacing pottery with... atta.

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I mean, name a sexier household item. I'll wait.

Now, have you ever wondered what La La Land would look like if Ryan Gosling started shooting without ever having seen a piano being played?

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Well, wonder no more.

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This isn't even a whimsical song sequence, by the way. The scene is literally Bipasha alone at home, "playing" a piano.

Another reason Ajnabee is the bomb dot com – the dialogues. Dialogues like these, said unironically.

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"Hell" is a disco*, geddit?

(*Their word, not mine. I'm hip.)

Of course, no great Bollywood film is complete without a great song. And Ajnabee has the greatest song ever penned by man.

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Dat "offo", tho.

And then there's the special moments... Like Bipasha trying to seduce Bobby with something that can only be described as "rain dance meets aggressive dry heaving".

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It's tough to single out just one Bipasha scene from her Filmfare award-winning debut, but this might just be my pick.

Now, because most Bollywood plots are dumb, it takes something really extra for a film to achieve cult status with me.

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Oh, ya. That's Bobby Deol deadlifting an entire car on his own, beeteedubs.

Which brings me to the film's climax, and one plot point in particular. THE plot point.

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That's right! The password scene, which involves Bobby Deol having to "hack" into Akshay Kumar's bank account on this legit-ass website.

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In a pants-shittingly tense reveal, Bobby guesses that the password must be a phrase that Akki keeps repeating throughout the course of the movie...

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It's a phrase that lives on in pop culture even today, 16 years later...

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Kindly note that the (fully visible) password has spaces. It's the little things like these, I tell you.

It's nostalgia... It's a meme... It's the ultimate cult reference...

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It's also a phrase that is said a grand total of exactly *one* time in the entire movie before Bobby guesses it.

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Not joking. Akshay does say the word "plan" a lot, but he only says "everything is planned", like, once in passing. Props to intuitive hacker Bobby, bruv.

Nothing thereafter tops that scene, obvio. But it should be noted that this film also has one of my top 10 favourite movie deaths of all time – death by ship anchor.

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In summation, Ajnabee is the greatest and most hilarious cinematic experience ever. A film that takes itself just seriously enough for all its turdiness to shine through.

In fact, it's a film so great, the production house uploaded the entire thing on YouTube for free... TWICE.

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The world really does need this masterpiece in multiple aspect-ratios, IMHO.

To paraphrase a very wise man, everything is here:

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