1.
2.
[inventing the toaster] engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4 chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
3.
crocs but thigh high
4.
i was arguing with my bestfriend, and in the middle of it she took her glasses off n said βi donβt wanna see you right nowβ
5.
Wanna hear a new level of βbeing a shitty roommateβ? I asked my roommate to take the trash out, as I have been gone a week and a half. She then proceeded to PICK THROUGH THE TRASH AND ONLY THREW OUT THINGS THAT SHE THREW AWAY. W H A T ?!
6.
The funniest part about my graduation will be my parents finding out I'm not an Engineering major anymore
7.
Regular back: -will hurt eventually -boring -stupid bones Backstreet's back: -alright
8.
I blanked when I got to the counter at Starbucks and said βvodka sodaβ and she said βhuhβ and I said βhuhβ and then we stared at each other until I remembered I was there for coffee.
9.
My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when theyβre bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes βouch hard no for that one?β And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
10.
This girl I used to go out with is still using my Netflix and that's cool. She's watching Scandal and is currently on S7E12. Series finale is S7E18. Guess who's changing her password as soon as she gets to episode 17? Yep, it's Petty Labelle.
11.
happy holidays only to emma from teen jeopardy who didnβt know how to dab
12.
literally no one: girls: *bruises leg*
13.
Me sitting in class, not retaining any of the information my professor is teaching
14.
My dad recorded himself every single day for a month trying to drop a k-cup off his head into the keurig until one day... https://t.co/UrQiF57tzd
15.
478 MILLION??? IN HALF AN HOUR FUCK
16.
SHE PUNCHED ELLEN I CANT EVEN
17.
can somebody with bangs tell me which planet is making me sad please