1.
[during sex] Me: hurt me Him: your metabolism isn’t what it was in high school and it shows Me: wait Him: you never lived up to your potential because you rely on talent instead of work ethic & immediately abandon everything you’re bad at because you’re afraid of failure
2.
"Okay now let's do a silly one!" - me after sex
3.
pee after sex or you will get a tgi friday’s
4.
pee after sex or you will get an HGTV
5.
me during sex: hurt me them: you were never that smart you just were good at reading as a child so you were given special attention and it gave you a complex me: wait- them: you don’t try at school because youre convinced ur natural intellect will save you but u don’t have it
6.
british people be having sex like: mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
7.
i’m tryna have sex so rough that the earthquake is shook
8.
How parents go from “Sex is bad” to “I want grandkids”?
9.
Shower sex is overrated fuck me in the microwave
10.
Ya sex is fun but have you ever been happy for a week straight? Naw me either who tryna fuck
11.
Sex is like pizza, if you're going to use bbq sauce you better know what the fuck you're doing
12.
This girl told me she liked to be teased in the bedroom so we laid down and I said her new glasses looked stupid and she starts crying. wtf?
13.
yeah sure love is love but I’m pretty sure douching ur ass for 2 hours to bottom for a top who you have to double text in order to get a one word response isn’t love, sweetie.
14.
jake gyllenhaal is so weird i feel like the actual reason he and taylor broke up is because he barked during sex
15.
My favorite sex position is when someone makes a playlist for me
16.
This Father's Day, make sure you hook up with an older man who has the same name as your actual father.
17.
when vegans have sex they ask to be artichoked. i will not be reading any replies to this tweet.
18.
Yeah sex is great but have you ever had gay sex
19.
i was having sex once and the girl said “cum for me” and i thought she said “comfort me” so i stopped n i hugged her
20.
Girls be tryna have sex for hours... first of all sweetheart, I have asthma
21.
sex is intimate and sacred. your body is a temple and you shouldn't share it with anyone who hates rick & morty
22.
[undoes GFs bra first time] "wow have you been practicing?" don't be ridiculous [me and dog exchange glances]