1.
I just left the gym and a guy in the parking lot yelled “damn you must be heavy set!” so feeling powerful and also annoyed i said “go fuck yourself” and he said “alright go to hell then” and it just dawned on me that he actually said “heaven sent” but whatever whats done is done
2.
I told my man I wanted to go to a restaurant where they cook infront of you so he brought me to subway 💖
3.
Walked into my office and thought someone must have broken in because it looks trashed... and then I saw this little sweetie covering behind my computer. ❣️
4.
Who sent my husband my tweet? https://t.co/Gj2MiTsRAt
5.
I hate my school
6.
this cannot be real
7.
My postman has left his sack on my doorstep. What does this mean? Am I the postman now?
8.
?????? no thank you ??? what??????? ????????????????????????? https://t.co/Q08IuHdpgJ
9.
Well, friends. This is what came in the mail. I’m gonna need something else, please.
10.
Yesterday my colleague called me a 'book murderer' because I cut long books in half to make them more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?
11.
It's two am in the morning, I'm cleaning my office and found a package I ordered quite a few months ago, ah yes my four (4) tiny cowboy hats I ordered that I remember being quite pricey for some reason, anyway turns out I can't read and accidentally ordered 60 tiny cowboy hats.
12.
I accidentally bought bio-degradable dog poo bags instead of bio-degradable food caddy liners & now use them to store things in the freezer like bread & veg instead of plastic freezer bags, which is great except my freezer looks like I enjoying freezing bags of dog shit.
13.
I was sleeping and Katrina tried to wake me up by kissing me (aw how cute) but I ended up panicking and accidentally punched her in the face... sorry babe, I’m ALWAYS in defense mode 😎
14.
never thought i’d care about the products accidentally dropped in the shower but here i am now a fake blonde on my hands & knees trying to salvage the $20 purple shampoo that slipped out of my hand