1.
Why does my dad use this nice ass thermos TO KEEP HIS BURRITOS WARM
2.
My three year old thinks he is ACTUALLY British thanks to Peppa Pig. The other day he mentioned how he hadn't seen a neighbor boy outside in awhile and said "Perhaps he's on holiday." 💀
3.
socrates: to do is to be plato: to be is to do scooby: do be do
4.
is my boyfriend broken
5.
Lori Loughlin: please my daughter she’s very dumb
6.
You ever flex on rich people by only paying the $80 application fee to get into UCLA?
7.
I’ve learned in my 27 years of life that you cannot send 2 questions to a man in the same text message, or separate messages before receiving a reply to the first one. You will only get an answer to one of your questions. Simple creatures. Slow down for them.
8.
Coworker: “hey can you take my shift?” Me: “of course!” Me: hey so it turns out I have open heart surgery Tuesday Ik it’s kinda late notice but like do you think you could pick up my shift? Coworker : sorry it’s my dogs half birthday otherwise I totally would ://
9.
Today I discovered Creed and I use the same neighborhood dispensary so you know that shit good
10.
11.
this is how ice cream sandwiches are made. still hungry?
12.
My mom got on the Jumbotron and acted a fool🤦🏾♂️😂
13.
When I mix my different groups of friends on my birthday https://t.co/iCwvZQ1e86
14.
uni: u need to start attending lectures me:
15.
16 year old me: i can’t wait until i’m older life is gonna be so fun me now:
16.
Babies stare a lot for someone who doesn’t know how to fight https://t.co/gN0KUtDPjp
17.
felicity huffman's daughter getting a 900 on the math
18.
me texting “fuck you” to someone i barely know and kind of like
19.
Do airpods Not have wires Because we are scared Of connection? - Rupi Kaur